Joke for Friday

[Star69]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you

shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women

sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is

delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second

is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the

top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one

that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the

wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

[Star69]

Aren't you glad you're not Billy/Johnny's parents...

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to

learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a

multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says,

"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Star69]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

[Star69]

A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.

He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.

When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.

He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"

"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.

"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."

[Star69]

A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.

After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"

"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.

"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.

"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."

[Star69]

Not quite Friday yet, but I couldn't wait!

As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:

 

PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how shart dat runway is?

CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy

PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !

CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy !!

PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!

PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!

CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!

PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de HolyMudder a Gad !!!

CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.

 

So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!

 

As Paddy and Shamus sat in the {bleep}pit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist runway in de world!" Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how wide it is?"

 :-D

[Star69]

Star Trek: Lost Episode Transcript

(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?"

(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate."

(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."

(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We
however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."

(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."

(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.

(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F . . ."

(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"

(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"

(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."

(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
fun-pack'.

(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"

(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."

(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

(Picard) "Identify."

(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"

(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS"

(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space ?!"

(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"

(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"

(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."

(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."

(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it
often proves fatal."

(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that."