The Unofficial Professor F J Lewis Appreciation Thread

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Those of you unfamiliar with History Today can read a typical exchange here.

This sort of thing is great. To me it has a certain British snobbery and a unique style (which I will attempt to emulate). It is about insulting somebody indirectly. Now I am sure that this thread is going to see some traffic, and many attempts at emulating the old boys in History Today. In the spirit of good banter I hereby stipulate that insults are to be of an indirect nature (aimed at the person's belongings or achievements, but not the person himself) and that at least a little thought goes into any contribution here. Failure to do so may very well result in the appearance of the real Professor Lewis  ;-)

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This one is for Karlos.

You see that old spaghetti western playing on the television, the one with Lee Van Cleef hiding behind some rocks waiting to rob the stage coach?
You see that clump of horse hair adhering to his boot, matted with the products of equine amorous exertion, and the dust from whatever dubious barn said copulation took place in?
Well that's your beanie, that is.
That's what you use to cover your head in the winter months.

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This is for Cannon Fodder

See that slight disturbance in the shimmering mirage on the sun-baked highway? The origin of said disturbance, upon closer inspection, being a partially run-over worm writhing at one end, the other end squinting feebly up at the sun...do you see that, sir?
That's your contribution to this thread, that is.
That's your idea of wit.
 

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Hehe
Okay another one coming up...

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This one is for Karlos

Are you familiar with canines, sir, specifically the least useful of all versions, those being the French poodles?
Surely you have seen one of those?
Good.
Then you will no doubt have seen the globular semi-moist vestige of the runt's last bowel movement, forlornly trapped in a few wisps of hair surrounding the pooch's anus. Have you seen that, sir?
Well, that's your avatar, that is.
That's what you use to announce your presence on the internet.

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hehe

I like the use of 'sir.' I think it makes the insult that much worse because it is such a false salutation. That's what those snobs are likely to do. We'll have to call it the X-ray Modification.

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Bah, you speak of my word processor, sir?
Hah!

You see those hastily-sketched likenesses of the South Sea Savages in Charles Darwin's journals? The savages who lack the simplest of etiquette, charm and reason?
See their adornments made of dessicated lizards' eyeballs arranged like beads on a thread made from coconut husks?
That's your abacus, that is.
That's what you use for a calculator.

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"...That's why you can't put your trousers on properly; you can't determine how many legs you have..."
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I see you are envious of my endowment, sir. You may well look upon that in awe and I will not stop you.

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 :lol:

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Aaah, good to see PMC partaking of the Great Snobbery.

@ PMC

You see that shambling old woman, the one with the dubious gait, no doubt from years of untreated venereal infection? See that improvised sanitary pad, haphazardly massaged out of place, and now just about to slip through a most unladylike ladder in this unfortunate crone's stockings? You see the hardened crustlike quality of that yellowed pad, from where it had previously been in contact with a suppurating boil on this woman's private parts?
Do you see that pad, sir?
Well that's your brake pad, that is.
That's what you have fitted to your motor car (just the one because you can't afford another three).

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@ Karlos

You see that lumbering behemoth of a man, his features porcine and ruddy, his belly of such immense mass that it spills over the table at MacDonalds, where he spends most of his life?
You see that hardened mass of earwax, long forgotten and partly shielded from view by this man's greasy, unkempt hair? Do you see that foul little nugget of earwax, sir?
That's your newly-purchased diamond, that is.
That's what you are going to have mounted on a ring and given to your fiancee as an engagement ring.

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It is no secret I have one, and indeed I note you are still jealous of that. I'll not stop you being jealous, you can't help it. Even the most ignorant and misinformed citizen is well aware of the legendary exploits of Professor F J Lewis, the very man with whom you now converse.

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@ Adz

See a shabby Biggles impersonator leaning out of the side of a rattling biplane, barely able to stay aloft at 1000 feet? See his quivering hand and tenuous grip on a piece of photographic equipment that is not yet advanced enough to be called a camera, but which is being employed for that purpose? Do you see that, sir, do you see him taking pictures of the landscape?
That's you, that is.
That's how you take macro photographs.

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@ Blobzie

See that toilet roll tube, found in a gutter outside a sexual diseases clinic? See how a bubble of sputum covers one end from where a vagrant put it into his mouth in an act of drunken stupor? See the other end with a semi-opaque candy wrapper haphazardly jammed in there by the wind? Do you see that ma'am?
That's your telescope, that is.
That's what you use to look at the stars, but most of the time you use it the wrong way around.

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You see the list of names below here? That's who is better than me, that is.