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Author Topic: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]  (Read 60076 times)

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #14 from previous page: October 26, 2010, 08:25:22 PM »
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.?

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #15 on: October 26, 2010, 11:17:01 PM »
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2010, 02:11:26 AM »
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2010, 02:26:07 AM »
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed

him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.



"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #18 on: October 27, 2010, 02:33:48 AM »
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all
the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman all the time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the
pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and
you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.

Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"


Cabbie: "I married his ******* widow."
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #19 on: October 27, 2010, 03:37:43 PM »
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They're both useless but it's fun to watch them fall down stairs.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the arse.

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova a shame?
A. Because a Nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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Offline the_leander

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Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
« Reply #20 on: February 18, 2011, 02:36:19 PM »
Heard this one at work yesterday:

So the British government are to reduce army by 7,000 soldiers.....
Probably by equipping them with insufficient equipment and sending them to Afghanistan.
Blessed Be,
Alan Fisher - the_leander

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