Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[CannonFodder]

A man escapes from prison and breaks into someone’s house thinking he will find some food, money and maybe weapons. When he enters he sees a couple having sex. He ties the man to a chair and after that he ties the woman to the bed and kisses her on the neck. Then he goes into the toilet.

The husband says to her:
- Dear, this guy just escaped from jail, look at his clothes. Probably he spent a lot of time in jail and did not see a woman for a long time. I saw the way he kissed you. If he wants sex, don’t oppose, don’t scream, do everything he says. I beg of you, give him satisfaction, even if you hate him. I don’t want him to kill us both. Be strong, my love! I love you!

The woman replies to him:
- He did not kiss me, he whispered something at my ear. He told me that he is gay and that he thinks you are cute. After that he asked me if we have any Vaseline in the house and I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong, my love! I love you too!

[CannonFodder]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied. :lol:

[CannonFodder]

:roflmao:

[CannonFodder]

These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the {bleep}s.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?

[CannonFodder]

TEXAS COMPUTER TERMS

"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your gun.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How to get rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wives/girlfriends.

"Bit" - A wager as in "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"Digital Control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.