Computer advances I'm STILL waiting for...

[PMC]

Sixteen years ago, my Amiga spoke to me.  It said "Ben smells" and "Paul fan-cies Jenny Leeks".  

Today, synthesised speech still sounds like a Speak 'n Spell.  I want a computer to address me with "Good morning Paul, I trust you are well?" with appropriate attention being paid to tone and inflection.

What HAL9000 got right in 1968 and my Amiga 500 half managed in 1990 has hit a dead end.  Dammit, I want the machine I'm using to talk to me, to explain to me in respectful and apologetic tones exactly why a 2.5ghz machine is taking forever to open another text file or IE window.

[PMC]

Can't remember the computer in Zardoz, but a Tom Baker voice would scare the bejeezus out of me.  I am old enough to associate his voice with Daleks and Cybermen, so hearing some randy bint's text message to me via Tom Baker is guaranteed to freak me out.

The "computer" in Zardoz had a nice voice too. Hey, you're in the UK - how is that Tom Baker text messaging thing working? If it sounds OK, maybe we could all have computers with Tom Baker's voice. Instead of a Windows BSOD, you could hear "Windows has crashed...would you like a jelly baby?"

How about "Unfortunately, Windows has had to close down.  I am a very bad PC [cue sounds of self flagellation]"?

[PMC]

Nah, I want a computer I can converse with, with a personality.  

I'd like to be able to hear it directly from the computer why Half Life 2 refuses to load again and why my internet connection is much slower on my PC than on my Amiga.  

Something akin to HAL9000 would be great, with a dash of Holly from Red Dwarf.