I think we've all been faced with one or more of the following questions at some point in our relationships:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".)
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Oh sh*t
