Joke for Friday

[PMC]

Sven Goran Ericsson is troubled by the recent form of his star player and decides to call him into the office to discuss his form.

"David" said Sven "I've noticed that you look kind of distracted on the field lately, ever since that unfortunate Loos business".

"I'm sorry boss.  I've had something really important on my mind" replied David Beckham

"Well, if a player has a problem then as his manager I must try to solve it for him don't you think?" said Sven.

"You see boss, it's about this birthday present Vicky bought me..."

"I see" replied Ericsson.

"It's this jigsaw.  It's got a picture of a Tiger on the box and it's really hard and it does my head in and Vicky bought it for me for my birthday and..." sputtered Beckham

"A jigsaw you say?" asked Sven, slightly confused

"Yes boss, it's really difficult and it's got a picture of a Tiger on the box it's doing my head in..."

"Tell you what David, bring it in my office tomorrow and we'll try to solve it together, then you can get back to playing football" said Ericsson.

The very next morning, a grinning David Beckham appears bearing a large box with a picture of a Tiger on the front.  Gleefully, he tips the contents all over Sven Goran Ericsson's desk and stands there grinning inanely.

"David" said Ericsson slowly "put the f###ing Frosties back in the box".

[PMC]

Warning:  Risque joke for Friday, read on at your own risk!


Little Johnny has a reputation at his school for being a gambler.  He bets on all kinds of things and more often than not he wins.
 
His teacher is quite worried and decides to have a quiet word with him one day.  She lets the class go home early but asks Johnny to stay behind.
 
"What do you want me for miss?" He asks.
 
"Well Johnny, I'm quite worried about your gambling.  I thought we'd have a little chat about how gamblers don't always win" she replied.
 
"Oh, but miss....!"
 
"I want you to write 'I won't make bets at school' one hundred times before you go home tonight" she commands.
 
Ten minutes later Johnny looks up from his paper and looks at his teacher
 
"Miss?" He asks "Do you dye your hair blonde?"
 
"Why no I don't Johnny" she replies.
 
"Nah, you're definitely not a natural blonde.  In fact I'd bet £20 that you are a fake" he says, confidently
 
The teacher thinks to herself for a moment and says "Okay Johnny, it will cost you £20 if I prove you wrong" and with that she stands up and whips off her drawers to prove to Johnny that she is in fact a very obvious natural blonde.
 
"What can I say Miss, you beat me that time and gamblers don't always win.  Here's £20" says Johnny.  
 
Her point made, the teacher lets Johnny go home early. She proudly announces to the headmaster that she's finally broken little Johnny's gambling habit.  
 
"Oh really?" replied the headmaster.  "Just this morning he bet me £150 that he'd have your pants off by the end of the day..."

[PMC]

A young chap is walking through the countryside watching the world go by.  As he walks he notices an elderly couple nearby holding hands, oblivious to his presence.

"Harold, do you remember that day, fifty years ago when we made love against that fence over there?" asked the old lady

"How can I forget Ada?" the old gent replied with a twinkle in his eye.

"How about you and I make love against that fence again, just for old time's sake?" asked the elderly lady

The young chap thought to himself 'I really ought to see this...'

Sure enough, she grasps the fence in her hands as the old boy approaches behind her.  All of a sudden they both launch into a frenzied lovemaking session that would rival most 18 year olds for athleticism.  The young chap can't believe it, these two old timers are going at it like a couple of teenagers!  The young chap has learned a lesson in the facts of life he never knew before.

He waits a few minutes until the old chap finally collapses on top of his wife, exhausted and can't help himself, he has to find out the secret of their youthful lovemaking.

"Oh it's no secret young man" said the old lady "fifty years ago this fence wasn't electric".

[PMC]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one afternoon when the doorbell goes.

Nelson puts down his paper and goes to the door.  He opens it to see a trailer full of cars and an oriental gentleman standing in front of him with a clipboard.

"You sign! You sign" says the chap.

"Sorry mate, but you must have the wrong address.  I didn't order any of these" says Nelson Mandela

"So, you not Nissan Maindealer?"

[PMC]

At least one person appreciated it...  Can't be that bad surely?  I was worried that someone might find it offensive and was prepared to remove it, but not laughing at my joke doesn't warrant deleting it...

Here's a true one:  

I was trying to explain to a friend about an ex's obsession with collecting animals of all different types and was asked "but what about the smell?" to which I replied "They get used to it, I did".

[PMC]

Cheers X-ray.

I must confess that Nelson Mandela is a role model of mine, but then I haven't lived in SA since his release and rise to power so can't comment on his competence as a political leader, only on my impression of his public persona.

[PMC]

X-ray wrote:
Just give the mic to Blobzie, we'll be alright then.

Has anyone else noticed La Blob's discrete absence from some of the more bawdy posts on here lately?

I hope her conspicuous absence isn't connected with the general bawdiness of the posting recently?

[PMC]

X-ray wrote:
I think she was repulsed by the Sock. I don't blame her, it is for boys of a rude nature such as myself.
 
But you're right, she hasn't been around much lately.
Come back, Blobzie, we promise to keep it clean (well, as long as we can  :-P )

To be honest I was repulsed by the sock, but I found it sufficiently amusing to have to contribute my tuppence worth!  

I do miss Blob's posts as I generally seem to learn something new from her every time. I do appreciate her subtle wit too, even though I've been on the receiving end of one or two of her harsher quips.  

[PMC]

X-ray wrote:
@ PMC
Yes, I remember my first encounter with Blobzie. It was in the SETI (not settee) thread. She told me that any intelligent lifeform would have understood the reference to settee as she meant it to be in the thread title. (I don't remember the wording exactly, just the sting of the comment).
Here's to Blobzie and her very dry sense of humour  :pint:

Ah, I think I remember now.

My favorite Blob moment was when she referred to her soft spot for JonoPike being "a bog in Ireland".  Another one was when I posted something about why confidence is a commodity that deserts you when you need it most (I was suffering from pre-first date jitters), to which she proceeded to play out a worst case scenario for me in a truly excruciating way.  It was definitely kicking someone while they're down, but it confirmed my suspicions that Blob does indeed have a very evil streak.  

[PMC]

Here's to you, Blob if you're reading this.

:pint:

[PMC]

A rabbit hops into a butchers shop one morning

"Excuse me mate" asks the rabbit "have you got any lettuce?"

"No.  This is a butchers shop.  We only sell meat here" answers the butcher.

"Oh, right." says the rabbit before hopping back out of the shop again.

The next day, the rabbit comes hopping back in

"Excuse me mate, got any lettuce?"

"I told you before, this is a butchers shop!" replied the butcher.

"Oh, right." answers the rabbit as he goes hopping off on his merry way.

The next day the rabbit comes back

"Excuse me mate, got any lettuce?"  

"If you come in here and ask me if I've got any lettuce once more I'm going to nail your ears to this counter!" shouted the butcher.

"Oh right." off he goes again.

The very next morning, Mr Rabbit comes back in again.

"Excuse me mate, got any nails?"  

"No I haven't got any bloody nails!" shouts the butcher.

"Oh right.  Got any lettuce?"

[PMC]

Animal rights activists break into a laboratory one night and set the rabbits free.  Two of them make a break for it together and by an amazing stroke of luck wind up in a cabbage field.

After an evening spent gorging themselves on fresh cabbage, the rabbits then move on to the next field, only to discover that the farmer is growing carrots.  They spend another evening happily muching away before planning their next move.

The third field yeilds a plentiful supply of lady bunnies.  Our heros spend a fruitful evening munching cabbage & carrot before going off on the pull.

The very next morning the two rabbits are sitting there scarecely able to believe their good fortune.

"Tell you what" said the first "it's been a hell of a three days since we escaped from the laboratory, but I really think we ought to make our way back there".

"I know what you mean" said the second "after all the food and the loving I really could do with a cigar".