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Coffee House => Coffee House Boards => CH / General => Topic started by: iamaboringperson on March 24, 2004, 11:10:47 PM
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steeringwheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake.
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. Evelyn remarked to Bruce, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," Bruce replied, "it's Thursday." And Gary chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
NURSING HOME
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. Gary was falling asleep but Anthea was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily Gary reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, Gary reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Jack, Charlie and Bert are sitting in the retirement home discussing their daily rituals.
Jack, "It's bad. I get up every morning at 7 and it takes me 2 hours to pee a thimblefull"
Charlie, "Well, I get up at 7:30 most days, it takes me until the afternoon to dump a small pebble.."
Bert, the eldest looks on impassiely.
"You young'uns know nothing. I get up at 6:30, pee like a race horse and crap like a cow within half an hour"
His friends look at him in exasperation,
"So why are you complaining?"
"I don't get out of bed until 8..."
/hides
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@iama
:lol:
@Karlos
eeeww :lol:
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@Karlos
:lol:
My only reason to get up on sunday morning after a good saturday's drink..
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The problem with geriatric humour is you need an infantile mind to find it funny. To make these 'jokes' work requires a 19-year old's mind in a 90-year old's head and life ain't like that.
To imagine a '96-year old running a bath and putting a foot in' is ludicrous. We have a 90-odd year old living with us atm and she has a problem just putting one foot in front of the other just to get to the bathroom.
And yes, all the 'deaf' jokes are true. I go through them on a daily basis. But it ain't funny I can tell you.
And yes, all the incontinence jokes you can think of are true and will certainly be applied to you one day soon. You will certainly *hi* in your pyjamas and maybe you'll wonder why it seemed so funny, not so long ago.
In fact all the jokes you make about the old folk could equally be applied to young people with mental problems. Why not start a jokes thread about those people?
Sorry to spoil the party, but making old folk the butt of teenage jokes just gets my back up.
JaX
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JaXanim wrote:
You will certainly *hi* in your pyjamas and maybe you'll wonder why it seemed so funny, not so long ago.
Already have, once when I was pretty ill with food poisoning. Just because its hugely embarrasing at the time, doesn't mean I ddin't see the funny side.
In fact all the jokes you make about the old folk could equally be applied to young people with mental problems. Why not start a jokes thread about those people?
It depends on your outlook. I first heard a version of that joke from my late grandad.
We (mostly) all grow old, stuff stops working as well as it did once. It's a fact of life. If you can't accept, with good humour, the slight loss of dignity that old age will inevitably bring to us all (should we be lucky enough to get that far) then your'e in for a miserable time.
My grandparents never took old age too seriously and accepted its ravages with good grace. I hope I will do the same.
Sorry to spoil the party, but making old folk the butt of teenage jokes just gets my back up.
True, these particular jokes are at old peoples expense, just as there are jokes made on every division of people you can think of.
I fall into countless categories for various jokes and I don't find them an affront to my dignity, theyre just jokes.
When I'm older I'll still fall into many categories, just not all the same ones I do now.
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Yes, old folk making jokes about themselves is OK. Just like you found *hittin* your pyjamas can have a funny side and so it might be.
But I don't see the fun in teenagers making jokes out of something/somebody they know little/nothing about, other than using their own (misguided) interpretation of what being old involves.
Old people can make very funny jokes, after all they've seen/done it all. Teenagers probably make great jokes about teenagers. They just can't make good jokes about old folks.
Cheers,
JaX
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I have to disagree a bit. People aren't pigenholed into who's allowed to make jokes about what. Thats' just political correctness. Observational humour is something that someone of any age can possesss.
As for "teenage", I wish I could say I was, but that's a while ago now!