Amiga.org
Coffee House => Coffee House Boards => CH / General => Topic started by: motorollin on December 28, 2006, 03:18:32 PM
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I feel a bit silly posting this here. But I need some advice, and I don't want to talk to anyone about this in person.
Lately I've been having some very strong feelings towards someone I work with. This is totally inappropriate since this person happens to be my boss, and also I am in a long-term relationship.
I can't get this person off my mind. I've been finding I am wishing I am with him instead of with my partner, which makes me feel so guilty because I do love my boyfriend. I feel sure this is just an infatuation which will probably pass, but it's made more difficult by the fact that we work together every day (and even sit next to each other). It's so strange because I've known this person for years and never felt this way about him. I only started feeling like this recently when I found out that this person has been involved with someone else we both work with, and I was horrified at how jealous I felt. Since then I have been thinking about this person all the time, and what it would be like to be with him.
I don't know what to do. I'm starting to obsess over this (and him), and I'm feeling more and more guilty :cry:
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One piece of advice: Never mix business and pleasure.
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Tricky situation, dude!
I've been in a similar situation myself, although that girl wasn't my boss.
We started out working together, and suddenly, we were flirting openly. I got myself together, and decided to stick with my girlfriend (whom I'm now married to).
Before I took that descicion, I decided that I'd never cheat on my girlfriend, and that I'd break up with her before getting into a new relationship. It'd been unfair to do otherwise.
As it turned out, I stopped flirting with the girl at work, and things returned to normal. We remained good friends until I got another job.
Not much advice, I know, but one thing is certain: You need to decide on how to proceed. Any action not thought through might have disastrous effects (especially since it's your boss we're talking about).
If it's just a sexual attraction, then it's probably just something that will pass (the grass is always greener on the other side, and all that). If it's emotional, then perhaps you should take a look at your relationship. Is there a reason behind this?
Anyway, I hope it all works out for you.
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Perhaps I didn't make it clear that I'm not trying to decide whether or not to cheat on my boyfriend. I would never do that. Besides, despite the fact that I have some suspicions, my boss denies that he goes "that way". I'm just trying to get past this so I can get him off my mind.
If this was just a physical attraction I could deal with it. The fact that I'm thinking about this guy so much makes me think it's more.
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If at all possible I would try getting it out in the open with your current partner and discuss it. It might get it more 'out of your mind' and get some calm in your head.
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I'm not sure how he would react. I think it would be too hard for him to accept that I've been feeling this way about somebody else.
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"Don't screw the crew"
Something a friend of mine once said to me, and something that has stuck with me ever since, office romances are seriously bad news.
Avoid like JW's
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the_leander wrote:
office romances are seriously bad news.
I know. That's why I said it's out of the question. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from someone who has been in the same position as I need to get past this without hurting anybody or making an idiot of myself.
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motorollin wrote:
I would never do that.
Oh, that wasn't really a suggestion; I was just rambling about my own experiences. :-)
My point is that there might be a reason for your interest in the other guy, maybe something is missing in your current relationship, or it might be something as simple as a subconscious desire to take a "walk on the wild side".
Those things are usually a reflection of that, which happens without one taking notice, and a sign that something needs to change.
In my case, I needed to cut down on my working hours. I had two full-time jobs at the time.
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motorollin wrote:
I'm not sure how he would react. I think it would be too hard for him to accept that I've been feeling this way about somebody else.
Second piece of advice: Change your signature, lest he ever reads here and recognises the rigs ;-)
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motorollin wrote:
the_leander wrote:
office romances are seriously bad news.
I know. That's why I said it's out of the question. I guess I'm just looking for some advice from someone who has been in the same position as I need to get past this without hurting anybody or making an idiot of myself.
I've never been in such a situation but I can say that "getting shafted by the boss" should be strictly too-much-work or too-little-pay related only ;-)
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I must say, I am of the other opinion: I like screwing the crew. I find that there is less bullsh*t and preening and wooing going on because you already know the person.
The only catch is that there has to be good damage control if it doesn't work out.
But in your case, you aren't available. It's a very definite no go.
You want the boss, that's fine. But you must ditch the current partner first.
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Karlos wrote:
Change your signature, lest he ever reads here and recognises the rigs
Naah, he doesn't understand Amigas :-)
X-ray wrote:
You want the boss, that's fine. But you must ditch the current partner first
No way. Not going to happen. Besides, what would be the point? He likes girls anyway.
I appreciate all the replies. I think this is something I have to try and bury. I think it's weird that I never had these feelings until I found out he was involved with someone we work with. I think I feel that this threatens our friendship (yes we are friends as well as work colleagues) which is why I feel so jealous. The problem with being gay is that it's sometimes easy to confuse envy with desire :crazy:
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And I thought just being straight was complicated enough :lol:
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No, we've got it worse. We have do decide whether you /want/ the other person, whether you want to /be/ them, or whether you're just a neurotic, posessive nutcase. In this case, I think I might be the latter :nervous:
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Perhaps you need a break from work...
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I'm resigning in September to go back to Uni :-D
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So to summarise:
1) You have a boyfriend who you will not under any circumstances give up.
2) You fancy a straight man, who probably doesn't fancy you at all (by default).
3) This man is your boss, at your place of work.
My good man, if ever there was a set of circumstances that lent themselves to a non-starting, calamitous and impossible relationship, these are them.
You know the answer. You just gotta accept it and move on.
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An ammendment to #2 for the record: I have suspicions that he may swing both ways :-)
But I *know* it can't ever happen. I'm not looking for advice about how to make it happen. I'm looking for advice about getting over this without losing a friend.
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@motorollin
The one question I would ask is whether you are having relationship problems with your current partner. You say you've worked with your boss for a long time without having feelings for him, until a pang of jealousy polarised you into your current siutuation, which makes me wonder if you are looking wistfully over the fence because your b/f and you are having issues?
In my own humble experience I only ever think about other people when I'm with someone when I feel less than secure in the existing relationship for whatever reason.
Obv, you're sensible enough to realise that it could cause problems with a friendship if you overstep the line and you acknowledge it's not much more than a fantasy, but I'd have a long think about your current relationship and how you feel before I'd do anything rash.
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I thank god I am single and Happy. :-D
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It sounds like the guilt is exacerbating the situation by keeping you increasingly occupied with this other person. The surest way to remedy it is to remove yourself from that environment; easier said than done, of course, and September is a long way off.
Moving on is a difficult process that you'll just have to bear. There's no way to skip through it. But stick to your resolve, hope for the best and you'll no doubt come out a richer person at the end of it.
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NoFastMem wrote:
It sounds like the guilt is exacerbating the situation by keeping you increasingly occupied with this other person.
Yes I thnk you are right. I am increasingly preoccupied with feelings of guilt rather than feelings for the person in question (though they are still there).
NoFastMem wrote:
The surest way to remedy it is to remove yourself from that environment; easier said than done, of course, and September is a long way off.
I agree that getting away from him is the best answer. I think I'll just have to stick it out until September.
NoFastMem wrote:
Moving on is a difficult process that you'll just have to bear. There's no way to skip through it. But stick to your resolve, hope for the best and you'll no doubt come out a richer person at the end of it.
Fingers crossed. You seem to have more confidence in this than I :-(
Thanks again for the honest and supportive comments.
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I doubt your b/f will have much trouble with you having a quick snack, as long as you come home for dinner.
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
I doubt your b/f will have much trouble with you having a quick snack, as long as you come home for dinner.
(http://www.extropia.co.uk/karlsavs/av/bothered.gif)
Hmmm....
Actually, unless homosexual relationships are emotionally quite different, I'd have thought that the hurt caused by having a bit of a fling would be just as bad as it is for heterosexual relationships :-?
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Karlos wrote:
Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
I doubt your b/f will have much trouble with you having a quick snack, as long as you come home for dinner.
(http://www.extropia.co.uk/karlsavs/av/bothered.gif)
Disclaimer? :lol:
Hmmm....
Actually, unless homosexual relationships are emotionally quite different, I'd have thought that the hurt caused by having a bit of a fling would be just as bad as it is for heterosexual relationships :-?
I, actually have no idea. I have never had a long relationship because I have hardship with relating to other ppl.
One has to talk about this in his/her relationship.
Btw. I have seen enough (hetero) relationships wich were open.
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Snacks only make you fat and don't give you enough vitamins. Eat wholesome!
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Yes, but our huge appetite for meat won't make us slim either. And fish is not an option. :-P
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:lol:
But fish is so healthy! What with all them Omega-thingies =).
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And what about those fish bones? :nervous:
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What about those bone... bones?
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Well, one can choke on it. :nervous:
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Karlos wrote:
Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
I doubt your b/f will have much trouble with you having a quick snack, as long as you come home for dinner.
Actually, unless homosexual relationships are emotionally quite different, I'd have thought that the hurt caused by having a bit of a fling would be just as bad as it is for heterosexual relationships :-?
Sorry Eyso, Karlos is right in this case. If I did anything like that without telling him it would be very hurtful for him. If we talked about it he might be able to come to terms with me "getting it out of my system", but I couldn't handle if it the tables were turned (and he told me he was tempted with somebody else), so I prefer not to even bring it up.
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Aren't you too uncertain about your relationship to make it depend on with whom you have sex with?
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Not uncertain. But we are faithful to each other.
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How can you be faithful if you can't bring up your feelings honestly?
What is faithful anyway? One can't force one another to not have such feelings. One can't do it even himself.
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
Well, one can choke on it. :nervous:
I think that's what he was getting at :lol:
Nice play on words Karlos :-D
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Well, 'twas a bit of 'gefundenes fressen'
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
How can you be faithful if you can't bring up your feelings honestly?
Well I think that the feelings I have been having for someone else are somewhat unfaithful as I should only have feelings for my bf.
Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
One can't force one another to not have such feelings. One can't do it even himself.
Yes you're right, but there's no point upsetting my bf by telling him.
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Well Moto, my only advice would be to talk to your boyfriend about it... I know that seems weird, but a bunch of Amiga geeks on the other side of the world are not going to be able to help you as much as someone you love and know really well. If he loves you then he will understand, and hopefully be happy that you were able to share your feeligns with him...
I was in a similar situation a year ago, my g/f said she was having feelings for a man she worked with, we spoke about it... but saddly she decided to stay with me and we've been miserable together ever since. :-D
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motorollin wrote:
Yes you're right, but there's no point upsetting my bf by telling him.
If you cannot upset your bf, you'll always have to 'walk on your toes' in your relationship. :-/
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
motorollin wrote:
Yes you're right, but there's no point upsetting my bf by telling him.
If you cannot upset your bf, you'll always have to 'walk on your toes' in your relationship. :-/
*Sigh*, yes you're right. I think it's time for a chat :nervous:
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/me gives moto moral support
Surely you won't have to be affraid of your bf. He chose you :-)
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
/me gives moto moral support
Surely you won't have to be affraid of your bf. He chose you :-)
Thanks Eyso :-) You're right, he did choose me (and I accepted :-D ) I'm not afraid of him, only of hurting him. But you're right that I have to be honest with him about this. Think I'll leave it a few days though as our 5 year anniversary is coming up soon.
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motorollin wrote:
Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
How can you be faithful if you can't bring up your feelings honestly?
Well I think that the feelings I have been having for someone else are somewhat unfaithful as I should only have feelings for my bf.
oh, come now. don't be so hard on yourself.
what you are feeling is human. it's normal.
your feelings can't be hurtful to anyone. feelings are private. you are allowed to experience your feelings. never feel guilty about that.
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cecilia wrote:
oh, come now. don't be so hard on yourself.
Wahey!
A nice little bit of innuendo earlier in the thread too - I prefer fish to meat myself ;-)#
Sorry, I had to bring my lowbrow humour to the table.
On topic:
I fancy my boss too, she's cute. She's married with two kids, and also my best friend at work (also married with two kids) is amazingly beautiful. They're both 33.
I DO like older women :-)
Anyway, there's sexual undertones in my interactions with nearly all women (family excepted!), particularly at work. I think its perfectly natural to see people in a sexual way sometimes. Just because I think my boss is cute, doesn't mean I harbour any desire for her, or fantasize about her though. I'm sure if we were drunk at a Christmas party and she jumped on me I would shag her senseless though :-D
I even think that although I'm not gay (but hey, I'm open-minded) that sex sometimes plays a part in my interactions with other men too (although in a much much more minor way! :lol:). I can't quite explain it, but I think we all have a bit of gay in us ;-)
Whaddya reckon iamamboringperson? :-D
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Well Moto, I wish you the very best of luck and hope the situation resolves itself with the best possible outcome.
It's heartening to know that you have taken some comort from the moral support on here - makes you feel all warm and fuzzy doesn't it?
Cyberus
:lol: Bloody funny, no situation is too highbrow for lowbrow...