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Coffee House => Coffee House Boards => CH / General => Topic started by: GadgetMaster on December 22, 2004, 11:58:41 PM

Title: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 22, 2004, 11:58:41 PM
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

:-D
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 23, 2004, 12:01:49 AM
With sympathies to 'Men' and apologies to all the lovely 'women' on the planet

A "Husband Shopping Center" has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among any men.

The store has six floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?"
And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"

And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! Its getting better and better. But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor number 123,974,389,012,345 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
 :-P  :-P  :-P
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Karlos on December 23, 2004, 01:05:13 AM
:lol:

That last one sounds like it could be one of Wilse's old ones :-D
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 10, 2010, 06:34:36 PM
Was out shopping today.

A woman farted on the elevator.

I thought it was funny on so many levels.

:hat:
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Karlos on December 10, 2010, 09:26:34 PM
Oh dear!

:lol:
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 10, 2010, 10:30:39 PM
Quote from: Karlos;598095
Oh dear!

:lol:

Yeah. I know. :D

I can't believe I started this thread at Christmas time 6 whole years ago. WoW!
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Karlos on December 10, 2010, 10:31:57 PM
Quote from: GadgetMaster;598106
Yeah. I know. :D

I can't believe I started this thread at Christmas time 6 whole years ago. WoW!


Yeah, time flies, doesn't it?
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on December 10, 2010, 10:35:07 PM
Quote from: GadgetMaster;598091
Was out shopping today.

A woman farted on the elevator.

I thought it was funny on so many levels.

:hat:

All my hetero friends try to convince me beautiful women do not fart, and if they do it smells like flowers....
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 10, 2010, 10:44:46 PM
Quote from: Speelgoedmannetje;598109
All my hetero friends try to convince me beautiful women do not fart, and if they do it smells like flowers....

Show them this video :

[youtube]CPeVU2bUMGc[/youtube]
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 10, 2010, 10:47:35 PM
Quote from: Karlos;598108
Yeah, time flies, doesn't it?
It sure does.

But groaners always withstand the test of time. The don't ever get any better. :biglaugh:
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Karlos on December 10, 2010, 10:55:23 PM
Quote from: Speelgoedmannetje;598109
All my hetero friends try to convince me beautiful women do not fart, and if they do it smells like flowers....


The best you can hope for is a fart that doesn't smell much. Farts that smell floral is clearly wishful thinking!
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on December 11, 2010, 12:44:37 AM
Quote from: GadgetMaster;598111
Show them this video :

[youtube]CPeVU2bUMGc[/youtube]


Eh, I understand nothing of it because of the quick talking and the background noise? What do they say?
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on December 11, 2010, 12:45:26 AM
Quote from: Karlos;598113
The best you can hope for is a fart that doesn't smell much. Farts that smell floral is clearly wishful thinking!
Matters what kind of floral scent...
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: adz on December 11, 2010, 04:44:03 AM
Nothing worse than a fart you can actually taste :lol: Or one that burns on its way out :roflmao:
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: A4000_Mad on December 11, 2010, 12:10:37 PM
Quote from: GadgetMaster;158060
A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

:-D


That's a good one :lol:
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 14, 2010, 06:38:15 PM
Quote from: Speelgoedmannetje;598123
Eh, I understand nothing of it because of the quick talking and the background noise? What do they say?

Even I can't understand half the stuff she is saying. That's not the important part. It's the funny Prrrrp sound that you need to listen out for at the same moment she squirms in her chair. :lol:
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 14, 2010, 06:39:14 PM
A friend of mine won't enjoy the holidays this year.  

Unfortunately, he got fired from a Pepsi factory. :(

He tested positive for Coke. :hat:
Takes a bow. *Thank you. Thank you.*
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: whabang on December 14, 2010, 07:42:45 PM
Is this the season of jolly thread necros? :D
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: odin on December 14, 2010, 08:16:23 PM
Quote from: adz;598139
Nothing worse than a fart you can actually taste :lol: Or one that burns on its way out :roflmao:

:nervous:

I like to keep my mouth away from that particular orifice during certain activities.
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: adz on December 14, 2010, 10:04:02 PM
Quote from: odin;598674
:nervous:

I like to keep my mouth away from that particular orifice during certain activities.


Yeh, that's some sound thinking there ;)
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 17, 2010, 09:37:35 PM
Quote from: whabang;598664
Is this the season of jolly thread necros? :D

Yep and the season for Avatar silliness.
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 17, 2010, 09:52:47 PM
Two  former friends bumped into each other, and one of them, draped in a  mink coat and dripping in jewelry, went on and on about what she'd been  up to in recent years.

"I've married one of the richest men in the state," said the well-dressed woman, snottily.

"Astounding," replied the modest former friend.

"And we live in the most luxurious mansion in town," bragged the wealthy woman.

"Astounding," said the second woman, hesitantly.

"We're the most popular couple at the country club," sneered the first woman.

"Astounding," said the other woman, quietly.

"So what have you been doing all this time?" asked the stuck-up woman.

"I've been going to charm school," replied the polite woman.

"Oh?" scoffed the rich woman, "what have you been doing there?"

The gentle woman said with a smile, "I've been learning how to say 'astounding' instead of 'bull$hit.'

 (http://forums.mukamo.com/filipino-jokes/18422-crackers-groaners-amusing-quotes.html#ixzz18PMwikHo)
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 17, 2010, 09:56:43 PM
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig." She retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down dirti mindehdah lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell da 'Mississippi.'


Yeah go back and read it again, and get your mind out of the gutter this time .:lol:
...
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: Karlos on December 17, 2010, 09:59:43 PM
(http://images1.memegenerator.net/ImageMacro/4402412/y-u-no-speaka-de-eenglish.jpg?imageSize=Medium&generatorName=Y-U-NO)
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: GadgetMaster on December 20, 2010, 10:31:22 PM
What do you call a chav in a suit? ................................The Accused

What do you call a chav in a university?..........................The Cleaner

What's the most confusing day of the year for a Chav?

Fathers Day!


How do you start an argument with a chav?

Speak!
 
 
What do you call a chav in a tastfully decorated house?

The burglar.

 

What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

 

What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

 

What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

 

What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit.

 

Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight
of stairs.

 

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.
 
 
 
What do you say to a chav at work?

Can i have a big mac please?


 How do you identify the bride at a chav wedding?

She is the most pregnant one.
 
 
 What do chavs use as protection during sex?

A bus shelter!


What do you call a large group of chavs descending on somewhere (a pub for instance)?

A Chavalanche
 

If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to run him
over?

It might be your bike.


Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.


What do you call a chav with half a brain?
Gifted.



What do you call chavs with a brain?
A crowd.


Why do Chavs always travel around in pairs?

One can read and one can write!


What do you call a Chav in the dock?

Guilty.


Where do Chavettes go for work?

Street corners.
Title: Re: Politically Incorrect Christmas Groaners
Post by: KThunder on December 22, 2010, 04:12:40 PM
Quote from: GadgetMaster;599588
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig." She retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down dirti mindehdah lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spell da 'Mississippi.'


Yeah go back and read it again, and get your mind out of the gutter this time .:lol:
...


That is the funniest freaking thing I've read in a long time :)