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Coffee House => Coffee House Boards => CH / Entertainment => Topic started by: bjjones37 on December 16, 2004, 04:14:26 AM
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Okay, you singles can read it too. :-)
My wife got this from somewhere....
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all someone has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands!
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband!
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left?
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me diamonds.
Here have some chocolate…….
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Greetigns bjjones37,
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. :-P
Regards,
Gizz72
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I think we've all been faced with one or more of the following questions at some point in our relationships:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I have been a bit pensive darling. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Nothing
b. Football
c. Jennifer Lopez
d. How fat you are
e. How would I spend the insurance money if you died
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
Question 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is necessary: "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, sh*t loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter
e. Who, me?
Question 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she is prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define "pretty"
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer of course is "Buy a Ferrari and a boat".)
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurt look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't. She's left-handed.
WOMAN: ...silence...
MAN: Oh sh*t
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PMC wrote:
WOMAN: ...silence...
:lol:
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Vincent wrote:
PMC wrote:
WOMAN: ...silence...
:lol:
Yeah, it's when you know you're in serious trouble.
The one that gets me is when I'm watching TV and all of a sudden "Do you think she's pretty?" comes up. What this means is "Do you think she's prettier than me?" and "If someone who looked like that chatted you up in a bar, would you go off with her?".
It's like, sure she's pretty, but she isn't you and seeing as I've never spoken to her she might be a royal pain in the arse, who's completely up herself and subscribing to the "I use my looks as an excuse for having no personality" camp.
Grr!
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i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
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Haha! I can assure you Cecilia that my tongue is firmly in my cheek on this one.
;-)
Welcome to the thread BTW!
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cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
It's a curse of being sexually attracted to women :-(
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:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
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Do you think she is prettier than me?
A simple "Yes" is a hazardous answer to that one! (Believe me, I tried!) :-D
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whabang wrote:
Do you think she is prettier than me?
A simple "Yes" is a hazardous answer to that one! (Believe me, I tried!) :-D
Yeah, it's like if I saw Brad Pitt on TV and asked my g/f if she thought he was better looking than me I'd know she was lying if she said "Why no dear", so I avoid that kind of question.
However, most of the beautiful women you see in the pages of magazines are airbrushed and photoshopped so that the skin tones are more bronzed, blemishes removed and wrinkles smoothed. Kate Winslett appeared in a magazine a few months back looking svelte and athletic. Turned out that between the photoshoot and the final print, she'd "lost" at least 20 pounds.
I try and remind my g/f of the above whenever she asks me if so and so is pretty. I'm thankful enough that she happens to be the prettiest lass I've ever dated IMHO.
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I`ll buy that for a doller.... :lol:
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cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
:-?
It's a curse of being sexually attracted to women :-(
yup
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PMC wrote:
Haha! I can assure you Cecilia that my tongue is firmly in my cheek on this one.
;-)
Welcome to the thread BTW!
:angel:
It's a curse of being sexually attracted to women
fortunately, I am not afflicted with this problem. :lol:
and just for the record, I've NEVER asked any of those dumb questions of anyone. I don't have many friends who are girls - probabaly because I don't care for bimbos and as I am not trying to get laid I have no incentive to put up with such nonsense.
I really feel for you fellas, good luck on your quest! :-P
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bjjones37 wrote:
This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband!
Every?
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
hm, not very emancipated are we?
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@Speel
I just posted it as it as it was given to me. As far as being emancipated goes, one of the best things that ever happened to me was the 'bonds' of wedlock. Don't know what I would do without my wife. :-)
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Marriage is an institution they say. But who wants to live in an institution?
There are three rings to symbolise marriage - the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the sufferring.
etc, etc. Okay, I'll get my coat again...
Fair play to you BJ, it's good to see the positive side of marriage that us old cynics are sometimes blind to. If it makes you happy and feels right then it's a wonderful thing.
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cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
They keep our socks clean. :-D
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I'm getting married when I get back from Spain.
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X-ray wrote:
I'm getting married when I get back from Spain.
Commiserations
:-P
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@ Vince
You're supposed to say "Cool, X-ray, when are you going to Spain?"
and then I reply: "I'm not going to Spain, ever."
:lol:
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X-ray wrote:
@ Vince
You're supposed to say "Cool, X-ray, when are you going to Spain?"
and then I reply: "I'm not going to Spain, ever."
:lol:
Ha! And I was going to say "I didn't know you were in Spain!"... wish I had now :-(
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@ Bloodline
:-)
Anyway we all know that marriage is for men who don't know how to use socks.
Which leads me to a new angle on the Great Sock Discussion. Socks are better than women because....
(I tell you what, Bloodline, as a sign of deference and solemn respect for your achievement, I will let you make the first comments on this)
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Socks are better than women because...
... A woman will walk all over you once you've had your fun.
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:laughing:
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X-ray wrote:
You're supposed to say "Cool, X-ray, when are you going to Spain?"
:-P
I never do things properly :-P
:lol: @bloodline
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Socks are better than women because...
The worst that can happen is you get a hole in your sock, whereas with a woman you get a hole in your pocket.
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Actually, I heard a good one from a married man:
"A woman marries a man, hoping that he will change...and a man marries a woman, hoping she will not change"
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X-ray wrote:
Actually, I heard a good one from a married man:
"A woman marries a man, hoping that he will change...and a man marries a woman, hoping she will not change"
:roflmao:
No... Wait.. :boohoo: It's true, so terribly true... at least I have my socks
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cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
Gay fella's don't know how easy they've got it! ;-)
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T_Bone wrote:
cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
They keep our socks clean. :-D
My socks are 100% germ-free, all complete in pairs, and folded in my dress-case. No woman needed.
I just posted it as it as it was given to me.
Fair enough, I suspected such.
As far as being emancipated goes, one of the best things that ever happened to me was the 'bonds' of wedlock. Don't know what I would do without my wife.
I understand you love your wife sincerely, but that doesn't make one emancipated. Well, as long as your wife is okay with the ways you're dealing with her, then you're quite emancipated in your relationship.
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mdma wrote:
cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
Gay fella's don't know how easy they've got it! ;-)
....apart from the anti-gay sentiments, or even laws.
And the amount of gays (well I hardly know anyone who's gay -and male single)
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
mdma wrote:
cecilia wrote:
i can't understand why any of you ever have anything to do with women. :-D
Gay fella's don't know how easy they've got it! ;-)
....apart from the anti-gay sentiments, or even laws.
And the amount of gays (well I hardly know anyone who's gay -and male single)
:lol:
Maybe you'll pull yerself a handsome chappie in a kilt over yuletide! :-)
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heh, that's exactly what my sis said :-)
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
heh, that's exactly what my sis said :-)
Would it be the first time in your life that you've "pulled a bit of skirt"? :lol:
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Put it that way and one would wonder what's the fuss all about :lol:
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Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
]My socks are 100% erm-free, all complete in pairs, and folded in my dress-case. No woman needed.
and that's why i love you, speel!
I have no desire to be some unpaid servant cleaning up other people's dirty socks.
eeewwww! :-o