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Coffee House => Coffee House Boards => CH / General => Topic started by: Plus4 on November 19, 2004, 01:01:56 PM
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Raul, Ronaldo and Beckham were all at Real Madrid's canteen. They were
eating their packed lunches and Raul said; "Tapas again! If I get tapas
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off the top of the stadium."
Ronaldo opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
Beckham opened his lunch and said, "Ham & Cheese again. If I get a Ham
& Cheese sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day Raul opened his lunch box, saw Tapas and jumped to his
death.
Ronaldo opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.
Beckham opened his lunch, saw the Ham & Cheese and jumped to his death
as well.
At the funeral Raul's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how
really tired he was of Tapas I never would have given it to him again!"
Ronaldo's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the skinny arseless bint wearing
oversized sun glasses and trailer trash trucker baseball cap. "Hey,
don't look at me," said Posh, "David makes his own lunch."
:lol:
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:roflmao:
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Sven Goran Ericsson is troubled by the recent form of his star player and decides to call him into the office to discuss his form.
"David" said Sven "I've noticed that you look kind of distracted on the field lately, ever since that unfortunate Loos business".
"I'm sorry boss. I've had something really important on my mind" replied David Beckham
"Well, if a player has a problem then as his manager I must try to solve it for him don't you think?" said Sven.
"You see boss, it's about this birthday present Vicky bought me..."
"I see" replied Ericsson.
"It's this jigsaw. It's got a picture of a Tiger on the box and it's really hard and it does my head in and Vicky bought it for me for my birthday and..." sputtered Beckham
"A jigsaw you say?" asked Sven, slightly confused
"Yes boss, it's really difficult and it's got a picture of a Tiger on the box it's doing my head in..."
"Tell you what David, bring it in my office tomorrow and we'll try to solve it together, then you can get back to playing football" said Ericsson.
The very next morning, a grinning David Beckham appears bearing a large box with a picture of a Tiger on the front. Gleefully, he tips the contents all over Sven Goran Ericsson's desk and stands there grinning inanely.
"David" said Ericsson slowly "put the f###ing Frosties back in the box".
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:roflmao:
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:roflmao: at both.
Heard the second one before, but it's still :lol:
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Warning: Risque joke for Friday, read on at your own risk!
Little Johnny has a reputation at his school for being a gambler. He bets on all kinds of things and more often than not he wins.
His teacher is quite worried and decides to have a quiet word with him one day. She lets the class go home early but asks Johnny to stay behind.
"What do you want me for miss?" He asks.
"Well Johnny, I'm quite worried about your gambling. I thought we'd have a little chat about how gamblers don't always win" she replied.
"Oh, but miss....!"
"I want you to write 'I won't make bets at school' one hundred times before you go home tonight" she commands.
Ten minutes later Johnny looks up from his paper and looks at his teacher
"Miss?" He asks "Do you dye your hair blonde?"
"Why no I don't Johnny" she replies.
"Nah, you're definitely not a natural blonde. In fact I'd bet £20 that you are a fake" he says, confidently
The teacher thinks to herself for a moment and says "Okay Johnny, it will cost you £20 if I prove you wrong" and with that she stands up and whips off her drawers to prove to Johnny that she is in fact a very obvious natural blonde.
"What can I say Miss, you beat me that time and gamblers don't always win. Here's £20" says Johnny.
Her point made, the teacher lets Johnny go home early. She proudly announces to the headmaster that she's finally broken little Johnny's gambling habit.
"Oh really?" replied the headmaster. "Just this morning he bet me £150 that he'd have your pants off by the end of the day..."
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Hmm, I saw that one coming a mile off. :-)
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little BILLY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second
is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the
top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
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Another one about little Johnny...
Mrs Smith the English teacher asked the pupils to think of a sentence with the word 'definitely' in it. Little Emily put her hand up.
"Tell us your sentence, Emily" said the teacher.
Emily said "The sky is definitely blue"
"No," said Mrs Smith, "that is not true. It is not definitely blue because at night it is black and at sunset it is pinkish."
"I know," said little Andrew, "sponges are definitely soft."
"No," said Mrs Smith, "that's not true. Some sponges are hard, and some animals that live in the sea are called sponges and they are quite prickly"
Little Johnny puts up his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," says Mrs Smith
"Do farts have lumps in them?" he asks
"No, Johnny, they do not" says Mrs Smith
"Then I've definitely crapped my pants"
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Aren't you glad you're not Billy/Johnny's parents...
Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful."
Little BILLY says,
"No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
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A young chap is walking through the countryside watching the world go by. As he walks he notices an elderly couple nearby holding hands, oblivious to his presence.
"Harold, do you remember that day, fifty years ago when we made love against that fence over there?" asked the old lady
"How can I forget Ada?" the old gent replied with a twinkle in his eye.
"How about you and I make love against that fence again, just for old time's sake?" asked the elderly lady
The young chap thought to himself 'I really ought to see this...'
Sure enough, she grasps the fence in her hands as the old boy approaches behind her. All of a sudden they both launch into a frenzied lovemaking session that would rival most 18 year olds for athleticism. The young chap can't believe it, these two old timers are going at it like a couple of teenagers! The young chap has learned a lesson in the facts of life he never knew before.
He waits a few minutes until the old chap finally collapses on top of his wife, exhausted and can't help himself, he has to find out the secret of their youthful lovemaking.
"Oh it's no secret young man" said the old lady "fifty years ago this fence wasn't electric".
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Glad I sparked such a jokefest....
See you next week!
P4
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A magical frog is walking through the forest w3hen he comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, 'since you are the first creatures I have seen, I will grant you each three wishes'.
The bear goes first and says, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest.'
The rabbit says, 'I wish for a helmet.'
Poof they got their wish.
For the bear’s second wish, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country.'
The rabbit says, 'I wish for a motorcycle.'
Poof they got their wish.
For the bears last wish, 'I wish I was the only male bear in the whole world.'
The rabbit makes his last wish by saying 'I wish the bear was gay'
Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away. :-D
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Not really jokes but some interesting ANAGRAMS.
Makes you wonder,...
Schoolmaster = The classroom
Listen = Silent
Clint Eastwood = Old West Action
A Telephone Girl = Repeating "Hello"
Western Union = No Wire Unsent
Astronomers = Moon starers
The eyes = They see
Conversation = Voices Rant On .
The Check is in the Mail = Claim "Heck, I sent it (heh)"
Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active
Software = Swear Oft
The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
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@GadgetMaster
:roflmao: at the 3 wishes.
This is infinitely better than the good old "groaner's thread" :-P
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At a press conference today, NASA announced that they are extending the human space flight program.
As well as putting humans on Mars and the moon, they`re also going to attempt to land on the sun.
One reporter jumped up and yelled "This is insane, the sun is so hot, they`ll burn alive!"
A NASA spokesman replied "I can assure you they won`t, President Bush has come up with the solution by himself... we`re gonna land at night"
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Vincent wrote:
@GadgetMaster
:roflmao: at the 3 wishes.
This is infinitely better than the good old "groaner's thread" :-P
Hey :-x :lol:
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@Doobrey
:roflmao:
Karlos wrote:
Hey :-x :lol:
*ahem* it was called groaner's for a reason :-P
It did turn into a bit of a competition to see who could post the crappest joke :lol:
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"...It did turn into a bit of a competition to see who could post the crappest joke..."
:inquisitive:
Oh, so that's why someone said my 'supermarket incident' should have gone in groaner's corner, eh?
Thanks a lot to the person who said that :-P
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A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back-seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" :crazy:
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
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:roflmao:
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Teenage blonde to her mother:
-If I get pregnant, where does the child come out?
-The same place you put the... ...you know.
-But won't the child kick my teeth out?
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A drunk had been at a pub all night. At last call, the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time, to the same result.
He figured he'd crawl outside to get some fresh air, since maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his house.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning by his wife shouting, "So you've been out drinking again, have you?!"
"No! What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on his best innocent expression.
"The pub called... you forgot your wheelchair again."
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A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the sidewalk before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
"Sorry. I didn't realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
"It's not your fault," replies the cabbie.
"Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
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:roflmao:
These are quality :lol:
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Not quite Friday yet, but I couldn't wait!
As they approached Dublin number 1 runway, the tower heard:
PILOT - Bjeesus will ya look how shart dat runway is?
CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy
PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings ever, Shamus !
CO-PILOT - Yer nat kiddin, Paddy !!
PILOT - Right, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engine in reverse !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !!
PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down !!
CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat, too !!
PILOT - An den stamp an der brakes as hard as yer can an pray ta de HolyMudder a Gad !!!
CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can.
So, as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse,put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop but a few meters from the end of the runway!!!
As Paddy and Shamus sat in the {bleep}pit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be de shartist runway in de world!" Shamus replied, "Yes, but da ya see how wide it is?"
:-D
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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home one afternoon when the doorbell goes.
Nelson puts down his paper and goes to the door. He opens it to see a trailer full of cars and an oriental gentleman standing in front of him with a clipboard.
"You sign! You sign" says the chap.
"Sorry mate, but you must have the wrong address. I didn't order any of these" says Nelson Mandela
"So, you not Nissan Maindealer?"
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@PMC
Dear god....
We might not be able to salvage this thread now :-P
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@PMC.. :smack:
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@PMC
Groaners not allowed here. They have their owen little corner. Have respect man. :insane: :whack: :-D
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!Nissan Maindealer! :laughing:
Pete goes out to the pub for a BIG session :pint: , Over a period of hours he get completely p*ssed. Everyone knows when Pete has had a drink he gets crazy and confused, he staggers home and upstairs...
Waking up his wife he holds up a tired looking chicken "Look at this pig I've been sh*gging"
Wife "Your're drunk again and THAT is a chicken"
Pete "I know, it was the chicken I was talking to"
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At least one person appreciated it... Can't be that bad surely? I was worried that someone might find it offensive and was prepared to remove it, but not laughing at my joke doesn't warrant deleting it...
Here's a true one:
I was trying to explain to a friend about an ex's obsession with collecting animals of all different types and was asked "but what about the smell?" to which I replied "They get used to it, I did".
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@ PMC
I also liked your joke, and believe me Nelson Mandela is not immune from being included in jokes. I didn't find it offensive at all.
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Cheers X-ray.
I must confess that Nelson Mandela is a role model of mine, but then I haven't lived in SA since his release and rise to power so can't comment on his competence as a political leader, only on my impression of his public persona.
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PMC wrote:
At least one person appreciated it... Can't be that bad surely? I was worried that someone might find it offensive and was prepared to remove it, but not laughing at my joke doesn't warrant deleting it...
I don't think there's actually been a joke here so offensive that it's been deleted. Maybe we're only just on the right side of the line tho :-D
--edit--
That's NOT a challenge by the way :-D
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"..That's NOT a challenge by the way.."
----------------------------------------------------------
X-ray notices the microphone being taken away from him and Bloodline.
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X-ray wrote:
"..That's NOT a challenge by the way.."
Even though I wrote that, I expect the floodgates to open ;-)
X-ray notices the microphone being taken away from him and Bloodline.
And Karlos... And Me... :-P
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Just give the mic to Blobzie, we'll be alright then.
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X-ray wrote:
Just give the mic to Blobzie, we'll be alright then.
Has anyone else noticed La Blob's discrete absence from some of the more bawdy posts on here lately?
I hope her conspicuous absence isn't connected with the general bawdiness of the posting recently?
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I think she was repulsed by the Sock. I don't blame her, it is for boys of a rude nature such as myself.
But you're right, she hasn't been around much lately.
Come back, Blobzie, we promise to keep it clean (well, as long as we can :-P )
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X-ray wrote:
Come back, Blobzie, we promise to keep it clean (well, as long as we can :-P )
:-o That's been 10 minutes so far! How have you managed this far?
I'm sure the detoxing symptoms would've kicked in by now :-P
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X-ray wrote:
I think she was repulsed by the Sock. I don't blame her, it is for boys of a rude nature such as myself.
But you're right, she hasn't been around much lately.
Come back, Blobzie, we promise to keep it clean (well, as long as we can :-P )
To be honest I was repulsed by the sock, but I found it sufficiently amusing to have to contribute my tuppence worth!
I do miss Blob's posts as I generally seem to learn something new from her every time. I do appreciate her subtle wit too, even though I've been on the receiving end of one or two of her harsher quips.
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@ Vince
I'm battling here, but holding on tight...
@ PMC
Yes, I remember my first encounter with Blobzie. It was in the SETI (not settee) thread. She told me that any intelligent lifeform would have understood the reference to settee as she meant it to be in the thread title. (I don't remember the wording exactly, just the sting of the comment).
Here's to Blobzie and her very dry sense of humour :pint:
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X-ray wrote:
@ PMC
Yes, I remember my first encounter with Blobzie. It was in the SETI (not settee) thread. She told me that any intelligent lifeform would have understood the reference to settee as she meant it to be in the thread title. (I don't remember the wording exactly, just the sting of the comment).
Here's to Blobzie and her very dry sense of humour :pint:
Ah, I think I remember now.
My favorite Blob moment was when she referred to her soft spot for JonoPike being "a bog in Ireland". Another one was when I posted something about why confidence is a commodity that deserts you when you need it most (I was suffering from pre-first date jitters), to which she proceeded to play out a worst case scenario for me in a truly excruciating way. It was definitely kicking someone while they're down, but it confirmed my suspicions that Blob does indeed have a very evil streak.
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@ 'bog in Ireland'
:roflmao:
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Here's to you, Blob if you're reading this.
:pint:
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A rabbit hops into a butchers shop one morning
"Excuse me mate" asks the rabbit "have you got any lettuce?"
"No. This is a butchers shop. We only sell meat here" answers the butcher.
"Oh, right." says the rabbit before hopping back out of the shop again.
The next day, the rabbit comes hopping back in
"Excuse me mate, got any lettuce?"
"I told you before, this is a butchers shop!" replied the butcher.
"Oh, right." answers the rabbit as he goes hopping off on his merry way.
The next day the rabbit comes back
"Excuse me mate, got any lettuce?"
"If you come in here and ask me if I've got any lettuce once more I'm going to nail your ears to this counter!" shouted the butcher.
"Oh right." off he goes again.
The very next morning, Mr Rabbit comes back in again.
"Excuse me mate, got any nails?"
"No I haven't got any bloody nails!" shouts the butcher.
"Oh right. Got any lettuce?"
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Animal rights activists break into a laboratory one night and set the rabbits free. Two of them make a break for it together and by an amazing stroke of luck wind up in a cabbage field.
After an evening spent gorging themselves on fresh cabbage, the rabbits then move on to the next field, only to discover that the farmer is growing carrots. They spend another evening happily muching away before planning their next move.
The third field yeilds a plentiful supply of lady bunnies. Our heros spend a fruitful evening munching cabbage & carrot before going off on the pull.
The very next morning the two rabbits are sitting there scarecely able to believe their good fortune.
"Tell you what" said the first "it's been a hell of a three days since we escaped from the laboratory, but I really think we ought to make our way back there".
"I know what you mean" said the second "after all the food and the loving I really could do with a cigar".
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:lol:
Continuing the rabbit theme...
A rabbit walks into a pub one evening...
"Do you sell toasted sandwiches?" asked the rabbit.
"Certainly, what flavour would you like?" replied the bartender.
"Cheese and onion please."
The bartender makes the sandwich and hands it to the rabbit. The rabbit scoffs it down and leaves.
The next day the rabbit goes back to the pub.
"Toasted sandwich please" asks the rabbit.
"Cheese and onion again?"
"No, I think I'll have corned beef today thanks." The rabbit eats the corned beef toasted sandwich and leaves.
The next evening the rabbit visits the pub again.
"Toasted sandwich please."
"Which flavour today?"
"Ham please." After eating the toastie the rabbit leaves.
The next evening the rabbit limps into the pub in a right state. His ears are all mouldy and his fur is coming out in clumps.
"Jesus!" exclaims the barman. "what the hell happened to you?"
The rabbit replies "I think I have mixed-a-my-toasties."
:-P
I think I'll get me coat ;-)
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Star Trek: Lost Episode Transcript
(Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?"
(Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
(Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
(Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for
some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside
their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an
unstoppable rate."
(Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
(Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
(Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable
geometric shape' idea."
(Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command
unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We
however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
(Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to
compensate for their increase."
(Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is
something we have missed."
(Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.
(Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency
escape sequence 3F . . ."
(Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !"
(Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?"
(Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
(Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their
functionality."
(Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
(Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft
fun-pack'.
(Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?"
(Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time
span of 6 more hours."
(Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
(Picard) "Identify."
(Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
(Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS"
(Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
(Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
(Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space ?!"
(Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits"
(Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!"
(Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
(Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived."
(Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers."
(Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it
often proves fatal."
(Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
(Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that."
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:roflmao: