Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

A new house eh?

Rememer - big kitchen ;-)

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he gets interviewed and they hire him.

The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home crestfallen, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice.

Boss says, “Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign offering Free chips and dip...

A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and eats it.

“Hey! This dip tastes like crap.”

“Very perceptive! Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

:-)

[Vincent]

Karlos wrote:
A new house eh?

Rememer - big kitchen ;-)

The council have sold all the flats in this area.  They're in the process of being demolished, and they're building houses instead.  So, unfortunately, we've got to take what we're given :-(

Fortunately, you couldn't get a smaller kitchen than ours :-)

Even better - the kitchen we will get will be more than twice as big as this one - plenty of room :-D

Good joke by the way :lol:

[Karlos]

(very) slightly topical...

A weary Marine pulls into a little town to discover every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't  care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[Karlos]

Liar liar...

One day, Jeffery Archer's closest friend died suddenly.

Waiting for him at the pearly gates was Saint Peter. On arrival, he started to look around and noticed there were countless millions of clocks everywhere, stretching of to the horizon in all directions.

As he looked over at one, he noticed it had a person's name on the face. Suddenly the second hand advanced two ticks.
 
Puzzled, he asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks here?"

"Well, there's one for every person living on Earth. Every one lies, the clock moves one second."

"Ah, I see. So, which one is Jeffery's clock?"

"You mean Jeffery Archer? Well, the Boss has had that one up in his office ever since the overhead fan broke."

:-)

[Venkman]

:lol:

you're a bottomless pit of jokes aint ya :-p

[Karlos]

Little Kelly was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Kelly?"
 
"My goldfish died," replied Kelly tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

Thick with sympathy for the little girl, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Say, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Patting down the last heap of earth she looks up at him.

"That's because he's inside your bloody cat!"
 

[Karlos]

A man and his pet monkey walk into a pub one fine afternoon.

The guy walks over to the bar and orders a pint.
The monkey leaps from his shoulder, runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it.

Before anybody can stop it, the monkey picks up one of the balls and swallows it.

Landlord, ''Hey squire, did you see what your monkey just did?''

''Nope. What?'

''The cheeky bugger just ate my pool ball!''

The guy apologizes pays the landlord a tennerfor the ball, took his monkey and walked out.
 
A week later the same man and his monkey go to the pub again.

The guy sits down and orders a drink. The monkey climbs down from his shoulder and sits down on the bar by the guy.

The monkey spots a cocktail glass down the bar and scurries across. Before anyone can stop it, it grabs the cherry and sticks it up his back eye, pulls it out again and finally eats it.

Landlord, ''Hey! Did you see what your dirty little monkey just did?''

''Yeah, I know, he measures them now...''

:-)

[Karlos]

Hmm, my  firewall's outbound traffic indicator seems to be synchronising itself the VU from amp just now...Bizzare!

On which surreal note, I bid you all good night!

[Karlos]

Hi all,

A happily married couple were looking forward to their 10th anniversary. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband noticed she was getting rounded.

Jokingly, he quipped ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your ass is huge! I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
 
Foolishly feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's rear end.

''Yup, just what I thought. Just about the same size. Honey, you need to cut back on the fries!''

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband, wanting to take back the insult, cuddled up to his wife.

''How about it, honey? How about we rock the boat a bit?''

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"Hey honey, what's the matter?''

''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ol' ass grill for one little weenie, do you?''

:-)

[Karlos]

Ah, well.

I tried to leave this thread alone. Honestly I did...

A penguin walks into a pub and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The landlord is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the pub.

One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the landlord and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.

Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird.
The landlord says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.

Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sarnie. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.

Ringmaster, "Hello there! I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?"

"Is it that big tent in the park?"

"Yes"

"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"

"Yes, that one. With the pole and flaps..."

Fixing the ringmaster with an exasperated look, "Don't be stupid. I'm a plasterer!"

[Karlos]

Wow, I still didn't get kicked from the site!

Here's another...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

:-)

[Karlos]

Okey, here's a better one...

President Bush wakes up one cold winter morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.

Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the an agent, "he urine has been analysed our team has determined that it's the Vice President's"

Turning purple with anger, Bush shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir. It's the First Lady's handwriting."

:-D

[Vincent]

Karlos wrote:
Okey, here's a better one...

You can't get much worse! :-P

that last one's :lol:

[Karlos]

Gee, I can recall a day when engineer jokes were all the rage...

Anyhoo, here's another non-engineer one...

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.''
 
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.''

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says.

The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''

:-)

[Wilse]

Hey Karlos,

That reminded me of an old one that I can kind of remember. It's something like....

A man is lost in the desert. He has plenty of food and water but hasn't had sex in years. It's all he thinks about. One day he comes across a lone camel. As he approaches, he starts having impure thoughts and scolds himself, "don't be disgusting, you can't sink that low!" he tells himself. As he walks past, however, the urges become too much and he gives in to his lust. He starts banging away and the camel, obviously a bit put out by this, turns round and bites the chap's right ear off. The man lets out a yelp but carries on undeterred. The camel turns round and bites his left ear off, which causes him to pause. While pondering his predicament, he hears whimpering coming from behind a nearby sand dune. He investigates and finds the most beautiful young woman he has ever seen, tied naked to a palm tree. Upon seeing the man, she gasps, "please help me! If you do, i'll do anything for you!"

"Anything?", he asks.
"Absolutely anything!", she replies.

So he unties her and she collapses into his arms, asking breathlessly what he'd like her to do.
He looks at her with a glint in his eye and says, "come behind this sand dune with me and hold this camel while I f*ck it."

I know, terrible, see ya....

[Karlos]

Hi Wilse,

:lol:

Man, I thought nobody was reading this thread anymore except Venkman and Vincent :-)