Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]

[Karlos]

:lol:

Nice one ;-)

[Karlos]

When I last went home to Hartlepool to see me folks, like, HRH Prince Charles was getting into serious trouble opening a new set of luxury apartments on the Marina sea front.

It transpires that he seriously upset a few folks by wearing a fox fur hat and was booed and heckled throughout the ceremony.

It was later disclosed in the local press that he meant no offence and this incident was the result of a simple misunderstanding based on the advice of HRH The Queen:

Prince Charles : "Errr, Mater, one is opening a new block of apartments in, errr, ah, Hartlepool. One's never visited the region and was wondering what one would suggest one should wear."

The Queen : "Yes, yes, I see. Let one think...Hartlepool, hmmmm, Hartlepool. Where the focks that?"

:-P

[Karlos]

Hi Vincent,

Unfortunately I haven't heard much good material recently. Well, I have heard some but it's either too tactless or tasteless...

A guy walks into a greasy spoon cafe and asks the proprietor for an all day breakfast.

Customer "I want it cooked a certian way"

Owner "No problem, as long as its nowt fancy..."

Customer "I want to have to wait until I'm about to leave for my food. I want the egg frying until its like rubber. I want two slices of fried bread, each burned to the point of total carbonisation. I want some beans that have been on the hob so long that they've congealed into an unidentifable lump of red-brown cack. I want some mushrooms fried into a soggy black pulp that a starving rat wouldn't touch"

Owner "Hey!, Just hold on a minute there..."

Customer "Don't interrupt! I want two rashers of bacon burned to the point that they've the tensile strength of mild steel, and to wash it all down a cup of tea so weak it's translucent and has odd white lumps bobbing in it..."

Owner, getting p*ssed off, "Look here mate, I don't know what your game is, but I havent got the time to ruin perfectly good food for the like of you"

Customer "Well you found bloody time yesterday!"

[Karlos]

Hi all,

Another (slightly rude) joke...

A farmer recently invested in several new sows with the aim of setting up a sideline in pig farming.
Having penned them up with his existing boar, he waited patiently for several weeks to see if any of the pigs became pregnant...

And he waited...

After a few months, he contacted his local vet to come and check that everything was OK. Having completed his diagnosis, the vet explained, 'It seems that there are no fertility problems but your boar has yet to show an interest. You may have to consider getting involved witht the process yourself. I have some information on artificial insemination I could give you. In any event, once your sows are pregnant, you will notice they spend more time laying down than usual...'

Not being the sharpest tool in the box, the farmer declines the leaflets and decides to get his hands dirty just as the vet said he should. He rounded his porcine charges into the back of his truck and drove out to the edge of the wood hoping nobody saw and proceeded to 'service' each one himself. he returned home that evening utterly exhausted. He continued in his efforts for the rest of the week.

On saturday, too exhausted to drag himself out of bed he asked his wife to check on the sows: 'Just let me know if any of them have started lying down yet.'
She returns from the farmyard and fixes him with an exasperated look, 'I checked the pigsty and all the sows had gone. I found all but one of them had climbed into the back of your truck!'

Farmer, 'What about the other one? Was she lying down yet?'

Wife, 'That's the really weird part. She was sat up front beeping the horn!'

:-D

[Karlos]

Hi Vincent,

Wondered how long it'd take you to notice :-)

[Karlos]

Ok, another cafe groaner for ye'

This guy is driving along Route66. Over the hours, miles and miles of featureless landscape pass by, during which time he gets seriously hungry.

Fortunately, he notices a sign for a roadside cafe a few miles on, heralding 'Good food at popular prices!'

On arrival, famished, he walks in through the door and makes his way to the counter, where the owner and his wife present him with the days' specials menu.

He scans down the list and is astonished to see that a pot of coffee, hash browns, bacon and eggs will cost him 35 dollars. He complains, 'Hey, what kind of con is this? Your ad said "good food at popular prices"!'

Owner & wife chorused, 'Wyll, screw you. We like 'em!'

:-)

[Karlos]

Oh dear...

Here's a really old one.

Two long standing employees of the Sellafield nuclear waste processing facility are waiting for the works bus. One looks pensive, 'I had my medical recently. Things don't look so great',

Second guy, 'Really, what's up?'

'It's kinda embarrasing. Let's just say that between us we've got five testicles...'

The second guy turns to face him, features fixed by shock, 'Jeez! What, you mean you only got one?!'

:-P

[Karlos]

Uh ho, looks like I got groaner competition!

-edit-

An engineer dies and duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, bit of a mix up here I'm afraid. You're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer promptly reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

[Karlos]

Vincents' gonna love this when he logs on next...
A groan war!

:flame: Beats flame wars :destroy:

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:
right, it's about time we had more funny stuff in here instead of flame/real-life threads :-D

Man, I wish Wilse were still here... ;-) He always has something funny up his sleeve...
Come back Rob, all is forgiven! :lol:

[Karlos]

Pete,

Just noticed you got your first checkered square, eh :-D

We have got just too much time on our hands today...

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:

There's plenty more of them from me :-D

:lol:

-edit-

Ok, now for my obligitary morning groaners...

The latest Saudi crime incident show, following in the vein of Crimewatch UK launched an appeal for information on a woman believed to be stealing from a range of jewellers across Riyahd. Local police are seaching for a 5 foot 5 inches tall woman, with two brown eyes...

:roll:

A break in at a local pharmacy was under investigation by special branch officers who had linked the crime to a growing black market for expensive drugs. A significant quantity of viagra was stolen in the raid.
Police are said to be looking for three hardened criminals....

:-P

[Karlos]

Pete,
Hey, I'm at work today, Shaun is lecturing the newbies next door. What's your excuse?

-edit-

Middle Eastern blind date show gets off to a shaky start...





:lol:

[Karlos]

Vincent wrote:
I'll just have to groan at yours instead :-P

Which one ? :-)

[Karlos]

I so need this version of word...



:-D