Ian Paisley died and went to heaven, when he got there me knocked long and hard on the door. St.Peter came out and asked his name.
"YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY" he roared at St Peter.
St.Peter looked at his list and could not find his name. "Sorry" said St.Peter you're not on the list.
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM???"
"As a matter of fact I do" said St. Peter, "but your name is not on the list".
"THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST!"
St. Peter trys to explain that its not easy to get into heaven, and that you have to be a Catholic.
When Paisley hears this he starts to complain, so St. Peter says that had he been good to Catholics that he would have some chance.
"WELL!!" roared Paisley, "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD TO CATHOLICS, WHY ONLY 2 WEEKS AGO I MET A YOUNG GIRL WHO HAD MADE HER COMMUNION AND I GAVE HER A POUND, AND 2 WEEKS BEFORE I MET A YOUNG BOY WHO HAD MADE HIS COMMUNION AND I GAVE HIM A POUND, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY NOW MR. ST. PETER 
"
St. Peter took a few notes on what he said, he told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to God and get some advice. About ten minutes later St. Peter came back out and said to Paisley.
"HERE'S YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW FUCK OFF!!"
A better one:
Ian Paisley gets accidentally cyrogenically frozen for 50 years. When he wakes up, the first question from his big, angry mouth is "What the hell happened?".
His doctor comes over and says "Good afternoon Mr. Paisley. You have been cryogenically frozen for 50 years, and I have good news and bad news for you." To which Ian replies "Whats the bad news?" "Well," says the doc, "Ireland invaded England 25 years ago, Gerry Adams is Prime Minister, and Mary McAleese has been crowned Queen." "Mother o'God!" cries Ian. "Whats the GOOD news?" "Rangers beat Celtic last night" says his doc, with a grin. Ian sits back and smiles. "What was the score?" His doc turns to him and says "Three goals and four points to one goal and one point".
