-warning - bad taste alert-
I have just returned home after watching Oliver Stone's new flick World Trade Centre, and I have to say I was a little disappointed by the storyline. Two planes crashing into the Twin Towers... on the same day. It's a bit far-fetched.
How come when Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider he gained superpowers yet when Alexander Litvinyenko ate some sushi laced with polonium he lost his hair and died? Once again it's one rule for comic book superheroes and another for KGB turncoats.
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh
NORTHERNERS. On hot summer nights go to bed wearing a shower cap full of frozen peas to cool your head. And when you wake up you'll have a tasty mushy pea snack ready for breakfast.
I WAS just settling down in front of my PC for a good w*nk when there was a power cut. Never mind, I thought, I'll put on a pornographic DVD instead. In the next horrifying moment I caught a glimpse of what the end of civilisation might really be like. It's going to be no joke, is it?
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name triangle for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Businessmen - Why not combine a trip to the toilet with a couple of farts, a scratch of the balls and a w*nk. This "multi-tasking" will say you much time each day.
FOOL your friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margerine and ripping holes in the bread.
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa?
So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m1nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
People who say that relaxing the licencing laws will lead to to an increase in violence should look at the figures. The present opening hours were intoduced in 1914, and were followed by 4 years of fighting in which millions of people were killed.
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I sh@t the bed. What's healthy about that?
WOMEN: carry a dustpan and brush in the boot of your car to sweep up the broken glass off the road each time you have a minor crash
