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Coffee House => Coffee House Boards => CH / Entertainment => Topic started by: Wilse on February 27, 2003, 03:00:15 PM

Title: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Wilse on February 27, 2003, 03:00:15 PM
Eminem's Glasgow gig is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening
attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible
attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the drugs and booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and
"judge the Glaswegians for himself".
 ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on February 27, 2003, 03:01:57 PM
:lol:

Nice one ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on February 27, 2003, 03:16:51 PM
When I last went home to Hartlepool to see me folks, like, HRH Prince Charles was getting into serious trouble opening a new set of luxury apartments on the Marina sea front.

It transpires that he seriously upset a few folks by wearing a fox fur hat and was booed and heckled throughout the ceremony.

It was later disclosed in the local press that he meant no offence and this incident was the result of a simple misunderstanding based on the advice of HRH The Queen:

Prince Charles : "Errr, Mater, one is opening a new block of apartments in, errr, ah, Hartlepool. One's never visited the region and was wondering what one would suggest one should wear."

The Queen : "Yes, yes, I see. Let one think...Hartlepool, hmmmm, Hartlepool. Where the focks that?"

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on February 27, 2003, 04:30:39 PM
@Wilse

 :lol:

@Karlos

Another groaner! :-P

Heard something similar to that, it was on an advert at the cinemas with an American comedian selling whiskey.  Can't remember who it was.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on February 27, 2003, 04:56:18 PM
Hi Vincent,

Unfortunately I haven't heard much good material recently. Well, I have heard some but it's either too tactless or tasteless...

A guy walks into a greasy spoon cafe and asks the proprietor for an all day breakfast.

Customer "I want it cooked a certian way"

Owner "No problem, as long as its nowt fancy..."

Customer "I want to have to wait until I'm about to leave for my food. I want the egg frying until its like rubber. I want two slices of fried bread, each burned to the point of total carbonisation. I want some beans that have been on the hob so long that they've congealed into an unidentifable lump of red-brown cack. I want some mushrooms fried into a soggy black pulp that a starving rat wouldn't touch"

Owner "Hey!, Just hold on a minute there..."

Customer "Don't interrupt! I want two rashers of bacon burned to the point that they've the tensile strength of mild steel, and to wash it all down a cup of tea so weak it's translucent and has odd white lumps bobbing in it..."

Owner, getting p*ssed off, "Look here mate, I don't know what your game is, but I havent got the time to ruin perfectly good food for the like of you"

Customer "Well you found bloody time yesterday!"
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on February 27, 2003, 05:02:31 PM
 :lol:

That's a good one.

I haven't heard any good jokes for years, and the only ones I can remember are the Scotsman, Englishman, Irishman ones.  I think everyone's heard them. ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Dagon on February 27, 2003, 11:39:24 PM
Quote
Eminem's Glasgow gig is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the drugs and booze..

Eminem=commercial just like that fagget Marilyn Manson.
It`s all about publicity... they only make publicity by "judging" him as  a "bad" guy... Oh I`m scared, oh I`m shocked of what he is saying lol
I laugh at this kind of music
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Mike_Amiga on February 27, 2003, 11:44:17 PM
Send that joke to DJ Jake at Feminem.com (http://www.feminem.com)

The Insane Clown Posse would like that one. :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: dezignersrepublic on February 27, 2003, 11:44:31 PM
@Dagon

I agree,  a usual eminem song has the following structure:

Sing about something
sing about apologising to his mum for mentioning her in previous songs
gets pissed off and starts criticising his mum again
ends up singing about how his mum neglected him as a child for the 100th time
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 05, 2003, 11:44:04 AM
Hi all,

Another (slightly rude) joke...

A farmer recently invested in several new sows with the aim of setting up a sideline in pig farming.
Having penned them up with his existing boar, he waited patiently for several weeks to see if any of the pigs became pregnant...

And he waited...

After a few months, he contacted his local vet to come and check that everything was OK. Having completed his diagnosis, the vet explained, 'It seems that there are no fertility problems but your boar has yet to show an interest. You may have to consider getting involved witht the process yourself. I have some information on artificial insemination I could give you. In any event, once your sows are pregnant, you will notice they spend more time laying down than usual...'

Not being the sharpest tool in the box, the farmer declines the leaflets and decides to get his hands dirty just as the vet said he should. He rounded his porcine charges into the back of his truck and drove out to the edge of the wood hoping nobody saw and proceeded to 'service' each one himself. he returned home that evening utterly exhausted. He continued in his efforts for the rest of the week.

On saturday, too exhausted to drag himself out of bed he asked his wife to check on the sows: 'Just let me know if any of them have started lying down yet.'
She returns from the farmyard and fixes him with an exasperated look, 'I checked the pigsty and all the sows had gone. I found all but one of them had climbed into the back of your truck!'

Farmer, 'What about the other one? Was she lying down yet?'

Wife, 'That's the really weird part. She was sat up front beeping the horn!'

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 05, 2003, 02:20:01 PM
 :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 05, 2003, 02:23:10 PM
Hi Vincent,

Wondered how long it'd take you to notice :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 05, 2003, 03:10:51 PM
Hi Karlos

I've only been on the net since about 2.

I've been busy looking at accelerator cards for my A1200 (as you've noticed) :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 05, 2003, 07:32:55 PM
haha... nice joke Karl. As soon as I hear some good ones I'll post a few of my own. Unfortunately , all I have at the moment are groaners!

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 06, 2003, 04:01:44 AM
Hi Venkman, I see you've found the comedy of Karlos :-D

We don't mind groaners here, some of Karlos' recent jokes have been groaners.  Anything that'll get a slight smile will do :-D

Also, it's a great way to get your post count up ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 06, 2003, 11:43:49 AM
Ok, another cafe groaner for ye'

This guy is driving along Route66. Over the hours, miles and miles of featureless landscape pass by, during which time he gets seriously hungry.

Fortunately, he notices a sign for a roadside cafe a few miles on, heralding 'Good food at popular prices!'

On arrival, famished, he walks in through the door and makes his way to the counter, where the owner and his wife present him with the days' specials menu.

He scans down the list and is astonished to see that a pot of coffee, hash browns, bacon and eggs will cost him 35 dollars. He complains, 'Hey, what kind of con is this? Your ad said "good food at popular prices"!'

Owner & wife chorused, 'Wyll, screw you. We like 'em!'

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 06, 2003, 11:50:35 AM
Hey Vincent... Yup, I've been exposed to Karlos's particular brand of comedy before. Kinda hard to avoid it when we're both in the same room  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 06, 2003, 11:55:56 AM
Oh dear...

Here's a really old one.

Two long standing employees of the Sellafield nuclear waste processing facility are waiting for the works bus. One looks pensive, 'I had my medical recently. Things don't look so great',

Second guy, 'Really, what's up?'

'It's kinda embarrasing. Let's just say that between us we've got five testicles...'

The second guy turns to face him, features fixed by shock, 'Jeez! What, you mean you only got one?!'

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 06, 2003, 12:32:14 PM
Okay here's a groaner for ya's... (kinda long)

There is this guy who is into tractors in a huge way. He eats, drinks and sleeps them (sad innit?)

Anway, he's taking some time off from work one day, and goes for a walk in the countryside. While he's out there he finds a tractor that is unattended and decided that he's going to have a go. He gets in, starts it up and proceeds to drive it along the road.

Somehow he manages to lose control and the tractor rolls down a steep slope and ends up as a crumpled heap in a ditch.  He spends a few weeks recoverinbg in hospital and swears to himself that he'll never go near another tractor as long as he lives.

While he is in hospital there is a fire in the kitchens. The man decides to be a hero and hobbles down there to see if he can help. The man gets to the fire and suddenly sucks in a deep breath and all the flames get sucked in with it. The fire is totally extinguished.

A nurse runs up to the man and says "wow, thats great! How did you manage to do that?" To this the man replies "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 06, 2003, 01:14:05 PM
Uh ho, looks like I got groaner competition!

-edit-

An engineer dies and duly reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, bit of a mix up here I'm afraid. You're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer promptly reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.   We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 06, 2003, 01:48:56 PM
A man is walking through the park one day, and he sees another man throwing a stick for his dog.

As the man gets closer, the dog owner throws the stick into the pond and the dog jumps in after it.

The man says to the dog owner, "Hey your dog is really clever".
To this the owner replies, "He's not that bloody clever, he's fogotten that he can't swim."

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 06, 2003, 01:54:23 PM
Vincents' gonna love this when he logs on next...
A groan war!

:flame: Beats flame wars :destroy:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 06, 2003, 02:06:40 PM
There's a good name for a movie...

Joke Wars - Attack of The Groans  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 06, 2003, 02:57:57 PM
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Quote
Vincents' gonna love this when he logs on next...


Too right, it's about time we had more funny stuff in here instead of flame/real-life threads :-D

Venkman, I forgot that Karlos said he knew you in the newbie post ;-)

Looks like you're gonna fit in quite well :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 06, 2003, 04:05:29 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
right, it's about time we had more funny stuff in here instead of flame/real-life threads :-D



Man, I wish Wilse were still here... ;-) He always has something funny up his sleeve...
Come back Rob, all is forgiven! :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 06, 2003, 04:45:16 PM
@ Vincent

Nice to know that my own brand of humour is appreciated... :crazy:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 06, 2003, 04:47:01 PM
Pete,

Just noticed you got your first checkered square, eh :-D

We have got just too much time on our hands today...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 06, 2003, 06:05:07 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Pete,

Just noticed you got your first checkered square, eh :-D


Congrats mate :-D

Quote
We have got just too much time on our hands today...


I haven't had much time to surf today, I've spent all afternoon putting my tower & monitor on my desk, and getting it all sorted out again.  I just wish I had my accel card :-(

Here's a golden oldie for you guys (bloody long!):

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were trying to escape from a prisoner of war camp in Germany during WWII.  They had been watching the fence next to their hut for a while, and they had spotted an opening.

"Right," said the Englishman.  "The shift changes about 11pm, we'll wait until the last guard on the outside is on his way back, and the searchlights have just passed, then we'll climb the fence."

"Sure," said the Scotsman.  "It's real queit oot there at that time, we cud really mak' it tae the wids."

The Scotsman and Irishman both agreed this would be the best time.

11pm was closing in and the guard was walking back to the gate.

"Right, time to go" said the Scotsman.  He ran to the fence, climbed over it and jumped down the other side.  He landed on an old fallen branch and it snapped.  The guard turned round.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

"Miaow," came the Scotsman's reply.

"Damn cat."

The guard turned and started making his way back to the gate again.

The Scotsman then creeped quietly to the woods ahead.

"Phew," said the Englishman.  "That was close."  He ran towards the fence, climbed over it, and dropped down the other side.

Snap!  He also landed on a fallen branch.

"Halt! Who goes there," the Guard said as he turned round.

"Miaow."

"If that cat does it again, I'll scare it off with a shot from my gun."

The guard turned back towards the gate again.

The Englishman creeped over to the Scotsman in the woods and waited on the Irishman.

"Right," the Irishman said.  "Here goes nothing."  He ran to the fence, climbed it and dropped down the other side.

Snap!  Another branch broken under foot.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

The Irishman replied: "Don't worry, it's just another damn cat."

If that's not a groaner, I don't know what is. :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 06, 2003, 09:35:26 PM
:lol:

Yep that is most definately a groaner...

I hadn't noticed that I'd gotten my first square... Woohooo!!!!!!

It's true! We did have waaaay too much time on our hands. :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Mike_Amiga on March 07, 2003, 01:17:04 AM
Sing with me....

Eminem ain't nothin' but a bitch, BITCH! :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 07, 2003, 01:39:30 AM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
:lol:

Yep that is most definately a groaner...


There's plenty more of them from me :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 07, 2003, 11:27:51 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

There's plenty more of them from me :-D


:lol:

-edit-

Ok, now for my obligitary morning groaners...

The latest Saudi crime incident show, following in the vein of Crimewatch UK launched an appeal for information on a woman believed to be stealing from a range of jewellers across Riyahd. Local police are seaching for a 5 foot 5 inches tall woman, with two brown eyes...

:roll:

A break in at a local pharmacy was under investigation by special branch officers who had linked the crime to a growing black market for expensive drugs. A significant quantity of viagra was stolen in the raid.
Police are said to be looking for three hardened criminals....

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 07, 2003, 11:50:06 AM
*groans*

Having another busy day I see...

:lol:

Scientists have discovered a new breed of dog. It is a strage hybrid of an Andrex puppy and a Pit-Bull Terrier.

It's the kind of dog that makes you crap yourself, and then runs off with the toilet paper...

*groans again*
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 07, 2003, 11:54:21 AM
Pete,
Hey, I'm at work today, Shaun is lecturing the newbies next door. What's your excuse?

-edit-

Middle Eastern blind date show gets off to a shaky start...



(http://image.excite.co.uk/www/today/girl/big/20030306.jpg)

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 07, 2003, 03:18:48 PM
 :lol: :lol:

Unfortunately, I don't have time to write another joke here today :-(

I'll just have to groan at yours instead :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 07, 2003, 03:20:49 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
I'll just have to groan at yours instead :-P


Which one ? :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 07, 2003, 03:45:58 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:

Which one ? :-)


Well, it looks like all of them so far :-P :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 07, 2003, 03:49:11 PM
Karl,

Well you didn't come in on Monday, so I guess having today off makes us even  :-P

Did you hear about the dancing troupe who tried to river dance and all downed?

Old one, I know...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 07, 2003, 03:54:48 PM
I so need this version of word...

(http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/word3.jpg)

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: JimS on March 07, 2003, 06:19:02 PM
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf
one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long
one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly
toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club,
the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe
and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long
one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed
right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered
over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It
headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on
a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a
nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down
the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight
toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the
pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the
water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.
Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad
and snatched the ball into his mouth.
Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the
frog and flew away. As they passed over the green,
the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball,
which  bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with
your Dad."


________________
BTW, As an American, I would like to take this opportunity to appologize to the world for the existance of eminem.  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 07, 2003, 06:34:42 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 08, 2003, 10:02:48 AM
:lol:

Funny stuff!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Marky_D_Sahd on March 08, 2003, 03:34:39 PM
    Three blondes are walking along a beach when one of them sees a bottle in the sand.  Sensing some free wine, the ladies carefully open the bottle.  A genie appears, thanking them for setting him free.
    "I usually grant three wishes to my liberator," says the djinn, "but since there are three of you, I'll have to give you only one each."
     "I know what I want," says the first blonde, "Everybody always treats me like I'm stupid.  They're always explaining simple things to me, assuming that I can't finish easy jobs or that I'm going to fall for any line they give me.  It makes me soooo mad!  I wish that people would treat me with more respect for my mind."
     "No proplem," says the genie and SNAP! She'a a brunette.
     "My turn," says the second blond, "I hate it when men treat me as if I were lazy and useless.  They always decide up front that I won't be able to finish a job, so they give it to someone else. When they say they need help, they look right past me.  I wish that men treated me with more repect."
     "No problem," says the genie, and SNAP! She's a redhead.
     "I don't know what those other girls are complaining about.  I like the way men treat me.  They always help by completeing jobs for me, they take me out to nice places and hold doors open for me.  Heck, if anything, I wish I could be dumber and more helpless than I am now."
     "No problem," says the genie and SNAP!  She's a man.

Told to be by two blonde fourth grade girls a few years back who collected blonde jokes.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Marky_D_Sahd on March 10, 2003, 05:24:07 AM
me hears crickets chirping....

Why is it that whenever I post to a joke thread, I'm the last one? :=?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 10, 2003, 09:20:10 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 10, 2003, 01:14:45 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 10, 2003, 01:54:57 PM
So True ;-)

(http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/gap_mission.jpg)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 10, 2003, 02:01:59 PM
 :lol: Too true! :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: JimS on March 10, 2003, 05:06:00 PM
Three Blondes & St. Peter
 
 Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter  tells them they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple  little question.
 
 St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
 
 The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful."

 "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde  the same question, "What is Easter?"
 
 The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
 
 St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde. He asks, "What is Easter?"
 
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
 
 "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
 
 "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
 
 St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out...and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on March 10, 2003, 05:44:47 PM
LMAO
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 10, 2003, 10:48:37 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Quote

Vincent wrote:
right, it's about time we had more funny stuff in here instead of flame/real-life threads :-D



Man, I wish Wilse were still here... ;-) He always has something funny up his sleeve...
Come back Rob, all is forgiven! :lol:


Hi Karlos,

I only got back from Tenerife early this morning. I'm now crispy pink. 8-)
Anyhoo, not much funny to add but I found this in my in-box and it made me chuckle:

--
A letter to the London observer from Terry Jones (yes, of Monty Python).
Letter to the Observer
Sunday January 26, 2003


The Observer
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I  know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult.

Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.
Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
--


 ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: DeXXo on March 11, 2003, 01:18:38 PM
 :roflmao:
How do they name a son of a blonde and a brazilian footballer ?

Retardinho...

 
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 11, 2003, 03:06:27 PM
I'm not heard any good jokes recently... Or even bad ones for that matter, so I've been unable to post anything yet...  

Everyone else's joke have made me chuckle though

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on March 11, 2003, 03:39:47 PM
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

Just my little contribution
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 11, 2003, 06:17:03 PM
@Palee72

That's a typical groaner to me :-D

Mind you, so's this one:


How many plays did William Shakespeare do?

As many as he wanted if she thought she was good enough.


I await your groans :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 11, 2003, 10:02:00 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
I await your groans :-D


GROANS!!!!!

:lol:

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 12, 2003, 09:38:53 AM
Aaargh!

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 12, 2003, 09:47:09 AM
Karl, is that all you've got to say?  :-o

I was counting on you to come up with a really good joke...  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 12, 2003, 12:14:07 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
Karl, is that all you've got to say?  :-o

I was counting on you to come up with a really good joke...  :-D


So was I :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 12, 2003, 02:28:24 PM
The joke I have remembered is:

What do you call a Russian Doctor?

Ivor Chestikov...



 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 12, 2003, 02:30:37 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
The joke I have remembered is:

What do you call a Russian Doctor?

Ivor Chestikov...



 :-D


Don't forget his snooker playing mate, Inov the Red.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 12, 2003, 02:48:11 PM
 :-D

I do have another one that's very similar to these last two, but I'm gonna refrain from posting it...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 12, 2003, 02:51:22 PM


Ye Gads, we got some groaners today!

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 12, 2003, 02:57:08 PM
*sings*

Heeeeeeey Groaners....
Ooooohhhh Groaners....

So what? I'm bored!



 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on March 12, 2003, 03:20:18 PM
Hope this doesn't offend anyone...  A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her, and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."



 :-o  :-o  :-o
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 12, 2003, 03:38:54 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 12, 2003, 03:40:47 PM
:lol: :lol:

Pretty good
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 13, 2003, 03:18:50 AM
:lol: :lol:

Sorry for not posting much today, Sioux's been busy doing reports on this machine, it'll be a week or two before I'll be back to being here more often. ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 13, 2003, 10:03:32 AM
Bit of a rude one this so...

It's 1969 and Michael Caine is throwing and 'end of the 60's' party, to which all the era's celebs and best bands are invited. Everything is as OTT and deborched and as he could have hoped for.
Having hob nobbed with Jimmy Page for a while, Michael notices Jim Morrison and Ray Manzarek looking a bit glum in one corner and decides to go and see whats wrong.

Michael, "Gentlemen, you don't seem to be enjoying the party."

Jim, "All the chicks keep turning us down, man. It's a real drag."

Having anticipated every eventuality, Michael tells Jim to go upstairs and check the third door on the left...

15 Minutes later, Jim returns wide eyed, knock-kneed and grinning like a cheshire cat, "Man, she's rock and roll. Can the rest of the band go see her?"

Michael agrees.

Later, when the live music is due to kick off, the Stones are amping up but Mick Jagger is nowhere to be seen...

A few minutes later, he comes staggering down the stairs, similarly knock-kneed and grinning.

Worried just how many 'clients' his hired 'guest' has seen, and more importantly, just how much it's going to cost him the next day, Michael heads upstairs...

Confronting the hooker he's shocked to find that she's already seen half the rockstars present.

"I thought I told you! Your only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 13, 2003, 10:15:50 AM
:roflmao:

That's pretty good...  :-D

Some thoughts for the day:

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 13, 2003, 10:45:01 AM
@Karlos:

Quote
"I thought I told you! Your only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"


:lol: Excellent - that one's going to do the rounds.

I heard something else loosely music related that made me laugh; Shania Twain's biggest influence is, wait for it....Pink Floyd! Seriously! She said so in an interview!
WTF?  :-?
It made me wonder what Harry Enfield's take on it would be. Perhaps something like:
"Oi, Twain! You might be a tasty bit of skirt getting away with your mediocre pop, stroke country sound and I`d be quite happy to  impress you much but if you should come round here, smoking weed and  putting `Uh oh oh oh` vocals in amongst `Shine on You crazy Diamond` I should have to say `OI! TWAIN! NOOOO!

...........now take your figure-hugging, yet unflattering spandex and twee, country pop, and bugger off back to Canada, you stupid, flannel lipped BINT!!!!!'
:madashell:

Or something.
 :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 13, 2003, 11:12:26 AM
Hi Wilse!

Amen to that! "Country singers, who do they think they are, eh?" :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 13, 2003, 12:10:53 PM
A mint walks into a pub, goes up to the bar and says to the barmaid "I'm dead strong me! I'm an extra-strong, rock hard mint. Nothing's harder or stonger than me, now gimme a pint!" The barmaid serves the mint a pint and it goes and sits in the corner.

A few mintues later a lozenge walks in, goes to the bar and asks for a pint. At first sight of the lozenge, the mint panics and runs into the toilets to hide. When the lozenge has left the mint comes back to the bar.

"I'm dead strong me! I'm an extra-strong, rock hard mint. Nothing's harder or stonger than me, now gimme a pint!" Says the mint

"Okay" says the barmaid "But you can't be that tough, cos you nearly wet yourself when you saw that lozenge"

"Ahh" replies the mint "I'm not going anywhere near him. He's menthol"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 13, 2003, 12:25:39 PM
Anodther silly one...

This guy has been going out with his new girlfriend for a few weeks and is finally faced with the first classic relationship milestone - 'meet the parents'.

So, he smartens himself up and turns up at 7pm looking suitably respectible and calm, despite being a little nervous.

Over dinner, he establishes a rapport with the father, whom he discovers shares many interests and viewpoints.

Unfortunately, the previous evening was a 'night out with the lads' affair, and the vindaloo was coming back to haunt him.
He discretely lets one go, thankful he managed to do it silently. Unfortunately, it's a bit of a stinker. He feels self-concious as nobody says a word for a moment, then with a longh whine, the family dog skulks out from under the dining table.

Father, 'Rover, get out of here...'

Counting his blessings that everbody thought it was the dog, the guy relaxes.

Later in the evening, having sunk a few pints of guiness with the old boy, he lets one loose again. This time, whilst remaining stealthily silent, it's a true, full on olfactory assault enough to make everbody's eyes water.
To the guys immense relief, the dog, who had previously returned to his spot under the table comes skulking out again..

Father, "For heavens sake Rover! Get out of there! Now boy, before he craps on you!!"

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 13, 2003, 12:29:47 PM
shall I groan now or later?
 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 13, 2003, 01:09:34 PM
@ Karlos, Wilse & Venkman

 :roflmao:

They're good ones today :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 13, 2003, 01:47:22 PM
Yep, there seems to be a higher quality of groaners than usual today  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 13, 2003, 02:01:55 PM
Here's an old one that some of you may have missed:
--

Damn, It's Good to Be a Man! ........ Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too "yucky". Same work. . . more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different? " One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8. 95 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me. " You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and
think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair
of shoes, one color, all seasons. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. Damn, it's Good to be a Man.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 13, 2003, 02:11:46 PM
Y' darn tootin!

Hey Wilse, are you at home then? I thought your daytime posting days were over...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 13, 2003, 02:31:36 PM
Gates (CEO of Microsoft), Andy Grove(CEO of Intel) and Jerry Sanders (CEO of AMD) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.

Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.

Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."

The others nod, and the meeting continues. Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper. Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air.

When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"

The others nod, and the meeting continues.

Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Jerry emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 13, 2003, 02:42:06 PM


:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 13, 2003, 04:46:09 PM
I got this groaner in my email, made me chuckle a bit...

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!"

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls."

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 13, 2003, 06:42:27 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Y' darn tootin!

Hey Wilse, are you at home then? I thought your daytime posting days were over...


What can I say? I'm an amiga.org junkie. ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 14, 2003, 02:04:09 AM
Karlos, I wouldn't consider that a groaner, maybe it's because it's just me being Scottish though ;-)

Made me snigger anyway :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 14, 2003, 02:22:58 AM
I've just been checking my emails and got this one today:

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'... "

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . .. sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check"

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether............

"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

 :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 14, 2003, 09:40:42 AM
Groan! :-P

Suppose that's revenge for some of mine ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 14, 2003, 11:55:30 AM
oh my word!

That is one heck of a groaner....

Q: What do you get if a cat eats a duck?

A: A duck-filled-fatty-puss

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 14, 2003, 12:19:29 PM


:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 14, 2003, 04:40:07 PM
@Venkman

Groan...

Kinda reminds me of...

What do you get if you cross an Elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle with a 8 inch ars.... er I mean arrested on animal cruelty charges :-P

Hey, it's comic relief day. Somebody must have some decent jokes...Come on guys! Are ye holding back?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 14, 2003, 04:46:49 PM
Hi Karlos,

Quote
Hey, it's comic relief day.


OK, you asked for it......

HELP MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE....  DONATE A BULLET FOR RED NOSE DAY....

hey... wouldnt it be more fun to get some ak-47s and just shoot all the
celebs???

"lenny henry... take that for telling your last funny joke on Tiswas..."
BULLET - Bang! Deid!

"joanna lumley.. take that for sapphire and steel..."  BULLET - Bang! Deid.

"normally straight-laced newsreader... take that for thinking your legs are
worthy of more than a rusty saw..."  BULLET

"bob geldof.... take that for 'mary of the fourth form'..."  BULLET

"cast of soap opera ... take that for whining about nuffink and being
pseudo-schemies..."  BULLETS

"irish bloke with big collar... take that for thinking big collars are
funny..." BULLET

"tony blackburn... take that for dumping tessa wyatt and then bubbling about
it on radio"  BULLET

"odd couple singing an unlikely duet together... take that for being as
predictable as the end of a porn movie..." BULLET

"generic pretty boy with gel in his hair from reality TV pop star fame
academy show.. take that for not being strapped to a missile bunker in
baghdad next week..."  BULLET
--

Well, you did ask.... :roll:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 14, 2003, 04:49:28 PM
Do I detect a twang of disgruntlement? :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 14, 2003, 04:51:56 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Do I detect a twang of disgruntlement? :-)


Disgruntlement? I though that was what happened when a pig lost it's voice.

-edit-
Oops - sorry. Just realised that was venkman's comment.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 14, 2003, 04:54:29 PM
Grrroooaaan!

Didn't Venkman post that one earlier?

-edit-

just noticed that you noticed :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Mike_Amiga on March 14, 2003, 06:20:19 PM
Wow, this thread is getting long isn't it. Let's hope it doesn't get locked just yet. ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 14, 2003, 08:23:56 PM
:lol:

@ Karlos.... that poodle joke made me laugh

I've not had any decent jokes all week... I'm really starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 17, 2003, 12:04:04 PM
Hi all,

Just when you thought it was safe to visit the forums, I found another groaner ;-)

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mum, Dad, and Gran. Bye, Grandad."
The father didn't quite know what to make of his son's last comment, but was glad his son was praying nonetheless.

The next morning, they found Grandad had died in his sleep. The doctor explained he'd had a heart attack that could have happened at any time. Thinking about his son's prayer, the guy reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mum and Dad. Bye, Gran..."

The guy, getting paranoid, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the very next day Gran was found dead in her bed, having similarly passed away in her sleep.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night.
Sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mum. Bye, Dad.."

Now the guy was crapping bricks. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the doorstep.

Wife, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on the driveway this morning!"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 17, 2003, 12:16:25 PM
heh... I'm not sure where u found that one, but I would've left it there...  :-D

*groans*
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 17, 2003, 12:17:14 PM
Quote


I second that groan! :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 17, 2003, 12:20:14 PM
Was it that bad?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 17, 2003, 12:59:23 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:

I've not had any decent jokes all week... I'm really starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel...


Karlos, I think you've reached the bottom with that one ;-) :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 17, 2003, 01:40:54 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

Karlos, I think you've reached the bottom with that one ;-) :-P


Yeah, on reflection, it was that bad...More like I scraped clean through the bottom and am now in the barrel underneath ;-)

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 17, 2003, 01:45:33 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:

Yeah, on reflection, it was that bad...More like I scraped clean through the bottom and am now in the barrel underneath ;-)



Is there a barrel underneath? I thought you were scrabbling about in the dirt...

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 19, 2003, 04:53:01 PM
Howdy all...

There was an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman working on a tower block construction site. All three are sick of the bad conditions, weather, poor pay, you name it.
Depression sets in after a few weeks and they lose rationality to the point that even the contents of their lunch boxes begin to annoy them.

Englishman, "Bloody hell! Not again! Beef sandwiches. Why does she always, always give me beef sandwiches?"

Unable to take any more, he jumps from the tower.

Along the same vein, the Scotsman opens his lunch, "Och, nooo! Notcheese and pickle. Why always cheese and pickle? Is a change tee much tee ask fer?"

He jumps.

The Irishman reluctantly opens his lunck. "Not bloody jam butties again. For the love of God".

He follows his workmates and leaps to his death.

Later, the three widows are consoling each other.

Englishmans' widow "I don't understand. I mean, I gave him beef, I thought it was his favourite. If only he'd said something.."

The other widows agree and mutually console each other.

Irishman's widow, "I dont understand. Paddy used to make his own sandwiches..."

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 20, 2003, 03:47:56 AM


:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on March 20, 2003, 09:58:12 AM
Groaner alert:

A Scottish fellow walks on to a building site, wearing nothing but a wellington over his privates.

The foreman sees this and shouts:
"You there! What do you think you're playing at?"

To which the Scotsman replies:
"Nothing. Just f*cking aboot."
--
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on March 20, 2003, 10:06:31 AM
You think you people have problems having to read his groaners.  I sit in the same office as him and have to put up with his bad jokes 5days a week  :-(

**Sympathy please**

Mark.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 20, 2003, 11:41:33 AM
You have my deepest sympathy  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on March 20, 2003, 12:04:08 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
You have my deepest sympathy  :-D


Thank you very much Venkman....   ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 20, 2003, 01:07:55 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
You have my deepest sympathy  :-D


So he should ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 20, 2003, 01:37:24 PM
@Bamitupboy

You have my sympathy aswell. ;-)

I don't know how you're still here after all these groaners - well done :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 20, 2003, 01:50:00 PM
I don't know how I'm still here after all these groaners either  :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 10:22:49 AM
Just when you thought it was safe to log onto a.org, I found this strange groaner...



1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator.

4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across -- all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
 


:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 10:25:21 AM
Not groansome enuff for ye?

Try this

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Well, who the hell else would follow a chicken?

:crazy:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 10:33:20 AM
Or this...

A dog trots casually into a pub. To the surprise of the landlord, he hops up on a bar stool and puts his front paws on the bar.
He looks the landlord right in the eye and says, "I'm a talking dog. Have you ever seen a talking dog before? No? Thought not. Totally unique, I am. So,  have you got a decent drink to spare for a talking dog?"
 
The landlord thinks for a moment and says, "Sure. The toilet's right around the corner."

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 10:41:37 AM
Ok, another, slightly racier groaner here...

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.
''Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?'' he says.

''That's cool.'' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, ''Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.''

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, ''Whaaaat?''

''Yeah,'' says Peggy Sue's father, ''Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!''

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ''Have a good evening, kids!''

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: ''Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!''
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 25, 2003, 08:04:26 PM


Are you tring to single handedly keep this thread alive?  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 09:00:03 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:


Are you tring to single handedly keep this thread alive?  :-D


Well, someone has to :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 25, 2003, 10:20:24 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:


Are you tring to single handedly keep this thread alive?  :-D


Nah, he's just trying to increase his post count :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 10:25:02 PM
Jeez! I have to say, what a miserable bunch of beggers youv'e all been lately :-P ;-)

Here I am, going to heroic lengths to find jokes so appaulingly poor that you just *have* to laugh, solely to bring a wee bit of light heartedness to your lives and what thanks do I get?

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 25, 2003, 10:27:31 PM
Errrmmmm......



thanks :-(



:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 25, 2003, 10:39:37 PM
Due to chronic overcrowding in Heaven, St. Peter was tasked with devising a selection process to winnow down the number of future entrants.
He comes up with a simple quiz that, he feels, should sort the wheat from the chaff. In order to be fair, he scaled the questions difficulty to match the religious knowledge of the applicant.

Later, a recently deceased bricklayer ascended to heaven, and arrived at the gates.
 
"Who was the first man?" asked Peter.

"Er, Adam. It was Adam"

"That's correct. You may enter."

Soon another man came along.

Peter, "Where did Adam and Eve live?"

"Wasn't that Eden? Yeah, Eden. A garden or something like that."

"That's correct. You may enter."

Later Mother Theresa came along.

"Ooh, I'll have to give you a hard one. What did Eve say when she met Adam for the first time?"

"Mmm, that IS a hard one."

"Enter."

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 25, 2003, 11:50:48 PM
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 26, 2003, 08:19:21 AM
Well, how abou...

Blimey, is that the time?

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 26, 2003, 09:44:38 AM
And there he was, gone!

I do have some good jokes, but they are all stored on my mobile phone, and like an idiot I've left it at home
:roll:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 26, 2003, 09:49:20 AM
Doh!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 26, 2003, 11:29:23 AM
heh... Homer Simpson rulez!!!

 :-D

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to take his friend's advice.

The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," Adam replied.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"


Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 26, 2003, 11:35:29 AM
:roflmao:

More like it :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 26, 2003, 12:00:41 PM
:lol:

The first non-groaner for ages :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 26, 2003, 12:23:03 PM
I'm glad I amuse  

:-D  :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 26, 2003, 11:39:28 PM
I just heard this one. Don't read it if youre' a Bush fan :-D

One day, three boys were out fishing in their dad's boat when they heard a guy yelling for help.
Amazingly, It transpired to be President Bush who, having gotten into difficulty reeling in a catch had fallen overboard and was beginning to drown.

Together  the three boys managed to rescue the President. He thanked them dearly, on behalf of himself, his family and the government. He also invited them to the Whitehouse for a presentation for bravery. In private, he also promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.

The first boy asked for $10,000 and without hesitation, the President wrote him a cheque for the money.
The second boy, encouraged by this, asked for a sports car and surely enough was taken by a member of staff to the nearest showroom.

The third boy asked for a wheelchair.

Slightly bemused by this, President Bush asked of him, “Why do you want a wheelchair, son? You seem to be a perfectly healthy, able-bodied young man. Do your really need one?”

“No, but I will when my pa finds out whose life I saved.”

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 27, 2003, 03:00:16 AM
:lol:



There's something drastically wrong here!

That's TWO(!) non-groaners in a row  :-o  :-o

Something's definately not right  :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 08:15:37 AM
Ok, heres another...

A middle aged Isish couple, happily married for many years were becoming worried that ther love life was losing its passion. In particular, Paddy was worried he could no longer take his wife to the heights of pleasure he'd once managed.
After a frank discussion they decide to consult a sex therapist.

The therapist was able to suggest many techniques that made the couple blush. But they tried nonetheless.

After a few weeks, it was clear the variation was making little difference.

This time the therapist decided to go along a somewhat unconventional route, "Perhaps we can spice up the mood. Get a strong, young man to fan you with a towel whilst youre making love. I have heard it works wonders from a colleague in the States..."

He proffered a card with a telephone number which he told them was  the contact for an agency that could provide them with such a strong young man, complete with towel...

The couple accepted. That evening, they called the number and within the hour, a tall, dark, handsome muscular young man arrived.

In the bedroom, he stood by the bed, gently wofting the towel whilst the couple attempted to make the earth move.

It didnt happen.

Then the youn man suggested to Paddy that they change places...

After an hour, Paddy's wife was squealing with rapturous delight. Eventually, the young man finished, leaving Paddy's wife wide eyed and grinning deleriously on the bed.

Throwing down the towel with a satisfied pose Paddy sad, "Now that, my boy, is how you fan a towel!"

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 09:31:19 AM
no point posting this cos I'm sat next to you, so I can actually tell how bad it was :-p

Actaully it was pretty good :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 09:44:09 AM
Here goes...

This elderly lady goes to see her GP with a most embnarrasing problem.

"Doctor. I have terrible flatulence. No matter what I seem to eat and drink, I constantly have wind. Thank god, it doesnt make much noise, nor smell particularly but it is most embarrasing. Is there anything you can do?"

Without really listening to her, the doctor proceeds to write something on a perscription form, which he then hands her.

"Take one of these tablets, twice a day with meals, for a fortnight and come back to see me."

So, a fortnight passes, and the elderly lady returns, deeply upset.

"Doctor, I'm afraid things are now much worse! In the last fortnight, I've been just as flatulent, only this time, thanks to these tablets, they have been really odourus. It's most embarrasing, I have hardly dare leave the house! Please, Doctor, is there anything else you can do? I don't feel these are helping."

Raising his voice slightly, "Well now, Mrs Johnson. Now we've fixed your olefactory troubles, lets see what we can do for your hearing, shall we?"

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 09:46:20 AM
'embnarrasing'

Jeez! Typos, eh?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 09:47:34 AM
:roflmao:

Not bad... not bad at all

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 10:26:56 AM
Another Doctor joke...

This guy is having real problems with irritable bowels. He goes to his GP, who examines him thouroughly and gives him a perscription of sepositries.

Doctor, "You need to take these once every two days. However, they need to be inserted deep to reach the affected area. You may find this difficult, I reccomend that you discuss this with your partner and ask for assistance if you find you can't manage yourself. I realise this may be embarrasing, but it could be for the best."

The guy sheepishly agrees.

Doctor, "If it hepls, I can administer your first dose right here. Then you have 48 hours to talk to your partner about it."

"Er...ok then. That's probably for the best."

"Just bend over the examination table. You may find this a little uncomfortable."

So he does as he's told and the doctor braces himself against the guys shoulder and pushes the sepositry home with a powerful thrust, making the guy wince. Thankfully, that was it for 2 days, and the guy, still sore, gingerly minces his way home.

Unable to bring himself to talk it over with his wife, 2 days later he finds himself struggling to apply the second dose. Cursing out lound in the bathroom, his wife knocks at the door and ultimately, he explains the problem.

His wife, full of concern and sympathy, "Poor dear. I can't believe you would keep this from me because your'e embarrased. In sickness and in health, remember?"

So, she dons a marrigold and gets him to bend over the bath. She braces her other hand against his shoulder and repeats the Doctor's technique.

The guy lets out a huge, moan of dispair.

Wife, immediately concerned, "What's wrong dear? Did I do something wrong? Are you ok?"

He turns to face her, shock fixing his features into place.

"I just realised - when the doctor did it on Monday, he had a hand hand on each shouder!"

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 10:32:24 AM
:roflmao:

that was funny...

but the typos were funnier :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 10:44:08 AM
Hey Pete,

Your rating just went up another notch :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 11:21:18 AM
Hey so it did...

Hmmm... Too much caffiene, eh?

How true  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 12:08:38 PM
Okey dokey. Another silly, rude one...

A recently married essex couple are having problems with their love life (just like the one I posted earlier - spooky). They go to their doctor, unaware of the mounting malpractice suits piling against him.

Husband, "Well, doctor. It seems my wife and I are no good at sex. What can we do?"

The doctor, already transfixed by the woman's good looks and figure, begins to make advcances on her immediately, whilst her husband, not the brightest of bulbs, looks on urbanely.

Before long, she's screaming with rapture. The doctor, pulls up his pants and straightens his tie.

"Thats how you have good sex!", he says to the onlooking husband. "Any questions?"

Husband, "\How often do I have to bring her in?"

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 12:12:35 PM
:roflmao:

The quality of your jokes is definately improving :-D

One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to them and asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, "Honey, can I have a quickie?"
The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about women's rights and storms away.

Cheney then says to Bush, "George, its pronounced 'quiche'."

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 12:33:57 PM
:lol:

Q. Whats a yankie?

A. A quickie a guy can enjoy alone :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 27, 2003, 12:35:05 PM
Hey, where's Vincent?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 27, 2003, 01:43:40 PM
:roflmao:

I've finally made it here today :-D

I got to my bed at 4am so I'm a little later than usual today.

Good jokes guys :lol:

Not one groaner in sight :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 01:56:05 PM
We do seem to have a much higher quality than usual...

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 27, 2003, 04:05:23 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
We do seem to have a much higher quality than usual...

 :-D


Looking at the amount of groaners here, it's easier to improve than to get worse! :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 27, 2003, 04:19:33 PM
Well I have no doubt that there are even worse ones to come  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 01:30:13 PM
Hi all,

Sorry for keeping this silly thread on life support, but...

A bedraggled old bag lady, carrying several plastic shopping bags wanders into the first national bank and demands to see someone in authority.

The receptionist camly explains that this particular branch does not see anybody without prior appointment.

Old lady "I just want to open an account here."

The receptionist does his best to explain that this branch is not for everyday savings accounts.

Old lady "Do you know what I've got here? There's almost four hundred thousand dollars here. In cash."

She proffers a bundle of hundred dollar bills to the receptionst, who in startled amazement contacts the manager. The manager, curious to know just how the woman came by the money invites her to his office.

Manager, "I gather you wish to open an account here and have a significant deposit to make."

Old lady, "Thats correct, Mr. Manager. Nearly four hundred thousand dollars. In cash. "

Manager, smiling urbanely as he tries to hold back his disbelief, "Well. For a sum of that amount, I'm sure we can make some arrangement. If you pardon my curiosity, how did you come to posess this money?"

Old lady "I make bets. Large ones. Unfortunately it's getting a bit much to carry around which is why I want to make an account."

"Bets? You made four hundred thousand dollars through bets? How?"

"Well, I can make a wager with you, to demonstrate"

"I'm not a gambling man..."

"Twenty five thousand dollars says by this time tomorrow you will have cubic testicles. We can sign a legal agreement of this wager infront of witnesses."

Still dumbstruck from the whole conversation and realising he can't lose such a wager he agrees.

And so the lady returns the next morning, lawyer in tow.

The manager, paranoid of black magic, voodoo or some other dark art comes into the office, having been groping himself all morning to reassure his family jewels have retained their original cut. They seem normal enough.
In front of the old lady, her lawyer and his own, he drops his pants and exposes himself.

Manager, "I believe the bet is mine."

Old lady, "Twenty five thousand dollars is a lot of money. To be certian, would you object if I felt for myself? I shall wear a medical examination glove."

The manager's lawyer decides that this would acceptible under their agreement.

So, the old lady dons a glove and goes to check managers' bundle. Suddenly the manager notices her lawyer banging his head against the office wall.

Old lady, "Well it seems I owe you twenty five thousand dollars."

Manager, "I see your lawyer is upset. I take it he isn;t being payed in this outcome."

"Not at all. It's just that I bet him seventy five thousand dollars two weeks ago that by this time today I'd be in the manager's office of the first national bank feeling his privates infront of witnesses."

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 29, 2003, 03:38:11 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 03:39:37 PM
Made me laugh when I heard it at 2:45 this morning ;-)

-edit-

A quick one liner from me bro...

Q: What has 148 legs and just 13 teeth?

A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 04:08:11 PM
Don't read this if you live in Arkansas...

Anyhoo, my cousin was thinking to do a gap year in the US. Whilst browsing for accomodation in different areas, he got the following form back from Arkansas...

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 29, 2003, 08:23:19 PM
LOL.... they weren't bad at all
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 09:56:11 PM
A guy goes into a pub, orders twelve shots of whisky and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

Landlord, "Bloody hell squire, why are you drinking so fast? It can't be that bad"
 
"You would be knocking them back like this if  you had what I had."

Landlord, "Really? So, if you don't mind me asking, what do you have?"

"35 pence."

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 10:36:21 PM
Ah, so this is what death is like....

*wonders if people ignore this thread on sight* :-D

Anyhoo...

-edit-
A bit rude this one :-)
-edit-

These three nuns used to go to the church from their homes every day.

On the way they would pass a house where the owner kept a parrot and stood the cage outside in the morning to give it some fresh air.

Whenever they walked by, the parrot would call out three colours.

The nuns soon realised that the parrot was calling out the colours of their respective underwear.

Convinced the parrot was somehow channeling evil, they tried to outsmart it by switching positions while walking and even wearing different coloured underwear every day.

However, the parrot, with uncanny, almost prescient ability, was never wrong.

Finally they devised a way to fool the parrot by not wearing any underwear at all.

That morning, assured they would outsmart the wretched creature they walked imperiously past the house.

The parrot sat silent for a moment, then with an uncanny sense timing, suddenly squarked out loud, ''Straight, straight, curly.''
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 10:59:46 PM
Ok, y'all,

A bit grim..

An elderly gent wasn't feeling too well and went to see his doctor. His wife, to whom he was very close accompanied him.

Having listened to the gentlemans symptoms, the doctor decided that he had nothing more than a mild case of food poisoning.

As part of a routine check, doctor asked him for a blood, urine, and stool sample.

The man, slightly hard of hearing said, ''What?''

Again, the doctor said, ''I need a blood, urine and stool sample."

The man sat there, still looking bemused.

Before the doctor repeated himself for the third time, the man's wife leaned over and yelled into his ear - ''Bertie, dear. The doctor needs to take a pair of your underpants.''

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 29, 2003, 11:10:02 PM
*groans*

now they are getting worse  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 11:51:02 PM
I bet Calen probably posted this on St. Patricks' day, but anyway...

An Irishman has been drinking at a pub all night. Eventually, the landlord tells him that the place is closing.
So the the stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the few hundred yards to his home.
He eventually arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom

 When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ''So, you've been out drinking again!!''

Trying to put his best innocent face on, ''What makes ye say that?''

'O'Sheas' pub phoned this mornin, y' eejit. Ye left yer wheelchair there again!''

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 29, 2003, 11:51:27 PM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
*groans*

now they are getting worse  :-D


Especially that last one! :-P



Damn, there's another joke in there now.

The graoner is the old guy at the Dr's.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 29, 2003, 11:55:47 PM
:lol:

That pub one's funny!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 29, 2003, 11:58:35 PM
Irish one or cheap git one?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 02:01:01 AM
The Irish one :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 02:12:07 AM
During his campaign, George W. Bush and his advisors were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.
"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college?"

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 02:14:58 AM
Oooohhhhh dear!!!!

*a very big groan*

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 02:28:04 AM
And as my grip on conciousness and 'political correctness' slips from me...

An English, Scottish, and Irish team were sent out to install telephone poles for BT.

After the first day, the English team had installed 30 poles, the Scottish team had installed 37 poles, and the Irish team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the Irish team and demanded to know why they had done so few.

In their defence, the Irish team leader retorted, "Hey, we saw what the other 'half a job' teams were up to. Their poles were still sticking out of the ground."

groan...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 02:30:34 AM
*groan*

I see everything's back to normal then :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 02:39:36 AM
An essex girl housewife with two burnt ears went to the doctor...

"What happened?"

"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"

"They called back."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 02:41:47 AM
A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of a hospital trust all died in a freak accident and are in line together at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

Doctor: ''I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.''

St. Peter: ''That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?''

Nurse: ''I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.''

St. Peter: ''Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?''

Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: ''I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.''

St. Peter: ''Oh, I see. Please go in...but you can only stay in for two nights.''
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 02:51:59 AM
Stuff you'd never know without movies...

1 It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

2 A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

3 If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

4 Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

5 It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

6 When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

7 No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

8 Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

9 When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

10 You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

11 Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

12 An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

13 Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 02:58:53 AM
The martial arts one also applies to zombies and vampires :-)

<---- The B-Movie/Horror film nutcase :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:02:51 AM
Two men were out fishing, when one managed to reel in an old brass lamp..

He picked it up and tried to rub the algae and muck off it. To the two fishermens surprise, a genie erupted from the lamp.

Unfortunately, the genie was a bit naff and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world.
 
Their wish was granted and the lake transmuted all around them into gently effervescing beer.

Suddenly, the guy holding the lamp got really angry.

"Dammit! Now we have to pee in the boat!"
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:06:49 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

We don't mind groaners here, some of Karlos' recent jokes have been groaners.  Anything that'll get a slight smile will do :-D


I bet you regret that statement by now matey ;-)

-edit-

@Everyone

No doub't you'll all be relieved to hear that I'm about to go to bed :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:00:18 PM
A silly sunday joke...

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee and, after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistics master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! They left out the 'R'”.

God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 03:09:56 PM
I like that one :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:11:47 PM
Hi Vincent,

Thought you were'nt going to be around today?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:13:27 PM
Okay...

Q. Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A. You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 03:15:48 PM
 :lol:

I'm only here for a short time, I thought I would have been busy by now, but I'm not, I'm just being lazy ;-)

I'll be going soon tho :-(
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:18:56 PM
You probably heard all these before...

What a woman says, what she really means...
 
I need = I want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper...

I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

I was wrong = Not as wrong as you

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important!


What a man says, what he really means...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry

I'm tired = I'm tired

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted
psycho trauma are you going through now?

You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before

Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different!

I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 03:25:10 PM
:lol: I've heard most of them before.

Quote
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house


Sioux won't be able to use that as an excuse when we move (hopefully) in Sept/Oct this year :-D

Quote
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead


:roflmao:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 03:40:01 PM
A new house eh?

Rememer - big kitchen ;-)

A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he gets interviewed and they hire him.

The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home crestfallen, “Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough”

So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice.

Boss says, “Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something.”

So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.

So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign offering Free chips and dip...

A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and eats it.

“Hey! This dip tastes like crap.”

“Very perceptive! Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on March 30, 2003, 08:22:05 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
A new house eh?

Rememer - big kitchen ;-)


The council have sold all the flats in this area.  They're in the process of being demolished, and they're building houses instead.  So, unfortunately, we've got to take what we're given :-(

Fortunately, you couldn't get a smaller kitchen than ours :-)

Even better - the kitchen we will get will be more than twice as big as this one - plenty of room :-D

Good joke by the way :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 09:30:57 PM
(very) slightly topical...

A weary Marine pulls into a little town to discover every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere,"  he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't  care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained  in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 09:48:03 PM
Liar liar...

One day, Jeffery Archer's closest friend died suddenly.

Waiting for him at the pearly gates was Saint Peter. On arrival, he started to look around and noticed there were countless millions of clocks everywhere, stretching of to the horizon in all directions.

As he looked over at one, he noticed it had a person's name on the face. Suddenly the second hand advanced two ticks.
 
Puzzled, he asked Saint Peter, "Why are there so many clocks here?"

"Well, there's one for every person living on Earth. Every one lies, the clock moves one second."

"Ah, I see. So, which one is Jeffery's clock?"

"You mean Jeffery Archer? Well, the Boss has had that one up in his office ever since the overhead fan broke."

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on March 30, 2003, 09:50:54 PM
:lol:

you're a bottomless pit of jokes aint ya :-p
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 09:57:32 PM
Little Kelly was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Kelly?"
 
"My goldfish died," replied Kelly tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

Thick with sympathy for the little girl, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Say, that's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Patting down the last heap of earth she looks up at him.

"That's because he's inside your bloody cat!"
 
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 10:13:32 PM
A man and his pet monkey walk into a pub one fine afternoon.

The guy walks over to the bar and orders a pint.
The monkey leaps from his shoulder, runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it.

Before anybody can stop it, the monkey picks up one of the balls and swallows it.

Landlord, ''Hey squire, did you see what your monkey just did?''

''Nope. What?'

''The cheeky bugger just ate my pool ball!''

The guy apologizes pays the landlord a tennerfor the ball, took his monkey and walked out.
 
A week later the same man and his monkey go to the pub again.

The guy sits down and orders a drink. The monkey climbs down from his shoulder and sits down on the bar by the guy.

The monkey spots a cocktail glass down the bar and scurries across. Before anyone can stop it, it grabs the cherry and sticks it up his back eye, pulls it out again and finally eats it.

Landlord, ''Hey! Did you see what your dirty little monkey just did?''

''Yeah, I know, he measures them now...''

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 30, 2003, 11:11:10 PM
Hmm, my  firewall's outbound traffic indicator seems to be synchronising itself the VU from amp just now...Bizzare!

On which surreal note, I bid you all good night!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on March 31, 2003, 11:38:51 AM
Hi all,

A happily married couple were looking forward to their 10th anniversary. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband noticed she was getting rounded.

Jokingly, he quipped ''Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your ass is huge! I'll bet it's as wide as the gas grill.''
 
Foolishly feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife's rear end.

''Yup, just what I thought. Just about the same size. Honey, you need to cut back on the fries!''

The wife became incensed and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn't speak to him for the rest of the day.

When they retired to bed that evening, the husband, wanting to take back the insult, cuddled up to his wife.

''How about it, honey? How about we rock the boat a bit?''

The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"Hey honey, what's the matter?''

''You don't think I'm going to fire up this big ol' ass grill for one little weenie, do you?''

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 01, 2003, 03:29:26 PM
Ah, well.

I tried to leave this thread alone. Honestly I did...

A penguin walks into a pub and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The landlord is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the pub.

One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the landlord and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.

Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird.
The landlord says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.

Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sarnie. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.

Ringmaster, "Hello there! I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?"

"Is it that big tent in the park?"

"Yes"

"The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?"

"Yes, that one. With the pole and flaps..."

Fixing the ringmaster with an exasperated look, "Don't be stupid. I'm a plasterer!"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 01, 2003, 03:32:07 PM
Wow, I still didn't get kicked from the site!

Here's another...

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 01, 2003, 03:37:23 PM
Okey, here's a better one...

President Bush wakes up one cold winter morning, looks out of the White House window and sees "The President Sucks" written in the snow in urine.

Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return.

"Well sir," says the an agent, "he urine has been analysed our team has determined that it's the Vice President's"

Turning purple with anger, Bush shouts, "Is that all?"

"Well no sir. It's the First Lady's handwriting."

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 01, 2003, 03:41:50 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Okey, here's a better one...


You can't get much worse! :-P

that last one's :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 01, 2003, 03:43:30 PM
Gee, I can recall a day when engineer jokes were all the rage...

Anyhoo, here's another non-engineer one...

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, ''To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.''
 
The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, ''Sorry, I can't do it.''

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. ''Sorry, I can't.'' he says.

The last man enters the office and the inverviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man takes the gun and goes into the room. The Agent hears 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

The man comes out of the room and says, ''Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!''

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on April 01, 2003, 04:01:20 PM
Hey Karlos,

That reminded me of an old one that I can kind of remember. It's something like....

A man is lost in the desert. He has plenty of food and water but hasn't had sex in years. It's all he thinks about. One day he comes across a lone camel. As he approaches, he starts having impure thoughts and scolds himself, "don't be disgusting, you can't sink that low!" he tells himself. As he walks past, however, the urges become too much and he gives in to his lust. He starts banging away and the camel, obviously a bit put out by this, turns round and bites the chap's right ear off. The man lets out a yelp but carries on undeterred. The camel turns round and bites his left ear off, which causes him to pause. While pondering his predicament, he hears whimpering coming from behind a nearby sand dune. He investigates and finds the most beautiful young woman he has ever seen, tied naked to a palm tree. Upon seeing the man, she gasps, "please help me! If you do, i'll do anything for you!"

"Anything?", he asks.
"Absolutely anything!", she replies.

So he unties her and she collapses into his arms, asking breathlessly what he'd like her to do.
He looks at her with a glint in his eye and says, "come behind this sand dune with me and hold this camel while I f*ck it."

I know, terrible, see ya....
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 01, 2003, 05:06:27 PM
Hi Wilse,

:lol:

Man, I thought nobody was reading this thread anymore except Venkman and Vincent :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 02, 2003, 12:40:59 AM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Hi Wilse,

:lol:

Man, I thought nobody was reading this thread anymore except Venkman and Vincent :-)


Same here! :-D

This thread is now read by 4 people :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 10:01:57 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

This thread is now read by 4 people :-D


Bah! And there was me thinking we were gonna be immortalized as a.orgs' 3 stooges!

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Eric_Z on April 02, 2003, 12:10:49 PM
"Man, I thought nobody was reading this thread anymore except Venkman and Vincent "

Well no it's just that the rest of us can't make up any
decent*cough cough* jokes so we prefer to stay on the sidelines.

Keep up the good work btw :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 12:12:55 PM
Thanx :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Bobsonsirjonny on April 02, 2003, 02:15:14 PM
I am laughing so hard it hurts :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :roflmao:  :roflmao:  :roflmao:  :roflmao:  :roflmao:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 02:18:21 PM
Haway man! Ah' y' tekkin the mickey? :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 02:21:25 PM

A little boy asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the boy returns

"Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later...

"So, Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 02, 2003, 04:55:20 PM
Now, that's a groaner :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 08:29:53 PM
No like?

Try this one

An Eskimo decided to go seal hunting one morning. After he had sorted out the  gear for his journey, he set out over the frozen ice to his favourite hunting ground.

About halfway there, his snowmobile started to run badly and make grinding noises. After a while, it was clear the thing was headed for a breakdown. So he turned around and headed back to his village.

With an impeccable sense of timing, just as he pulled up to the local mechanic, his snowmobile died.

He went inside and spoke to the mechanic explaining what happened. The mechanic, needing to take look and see what the problem was, followed the Eskimo outside to the snowmobile.

He raised the hood and began to examine the engine. After a few minutes, the mechanic looked up at the hunter.

“I think  you've blown a seal.”

"Nope, those are just icicles on my mustache.”

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 09:18:25 PM
This cookie allegedly came up in organiser...

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 02, 2003, 09:24:19 PM
Nope?

Slightly rude...

A guy goes to his opticians for an examination. They start talking as the optician is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

"Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

"No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 12:32:31 AM
A drunken bloke, reeking of beer sat down on a undeground tube station seat next to a rather sour faced priest. The man's shirt was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 03, 2003, 02:42:56 AM
They're groaners.....

.....except the last one! :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 07:45:48 AM
C'mon Vincent,

Show me how its done, then :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 03, 2003, 11:34:54 AM
wow... definately a few groaners in there...

Just thought I'd post something to let yas all know I'm still alive :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 03, 2003, 12:56:48 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
C'mon Vincent,

Show me how its done, then :-)


I haven't heard any good jokes recently :-(

I'm on here sporadicaly just now, haven't really had the time to sit and type jokes, or natter with people :-(

Things should be back to normal next week though! :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on April 03, 2003, 01:22:42 PM
There is a new pill on the market,
half Viagra half Prozac.
If you dont get a F#ck,
you dont give a F#ck!!!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 03, 2003, 01:29:37 PM
Okay, here's a quick joke.

Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to St. Peter. "So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"None. I had a perfect marriage."

"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Mercedes. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.

"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac. And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"12 times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.

"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."

Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Mercedes crying.

"What's wrong?"

"I just saw my wife."

"So?"

"She was on roller boots."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 03, 2003, 01:39:07 PM
Okay, I just got this in my emails:

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 01:43:52 PM
Nice one Vince :-)

Especially the last one :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 03, 2003, 01:44:51 PM
hehehe... funny stuff  :-D

A secretary goes to her boss and says "Excuse me, can I used your Dictaphone?"

Her boss replies "NO! You can use your finger like everyone else"



 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 01:49:57 PM
 :roflmao:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on April 03, 2003, 03:26:39 PM
Here's a little "Ode", in the style of our national bard:
--
Tae a Fert

Oh what a sleekit, horrible beastie
Lurks in yer stomach efter a feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts tae stir an enormous wind

The neeps an' tatties an' mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin' wi' the sonsie face
Will have ye blawin' a' ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae huv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle

Haud yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try an' stop the leakin' air
Shift yersel' fae cheek to cheek
An' pray tae God it disnae reek
 
But a' yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o' thunder
It ricochets aroon' the room
Michty me!  A sonic boom!

God almighty, it fairly reaks
Ah hope ah huvnae shat ma breeks!
Straight tae the bog ah better scurry
Aw whit the hell, it's no' ma worry

A 'body roon' aboot me's chokin'
Wan or two are nearly bokin'
Ah'll feel much better fur a while
Ah cannae help but raise a smile

"Wis him!!" ah shout, wi accusin' glower
Alas, too late, he's just keeled ower
"Ya dirty bugger!!" they shout and stare
Ah dinna feel welcome ony mair

Where e'er ye be, let yer wind gang free
Sounds jist the job for thee and me
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty
--

 :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 03, 2003, 03:35:42 PM
:lol:

Nice one Wilse! :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 03:47:49 PM
:roflmao:

Whit a stoater!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on April 03, 2003, 03:58:20 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
:roflmao:

Whit a stoater!


Ha-ha :lol:

Key fact 32.

32) You've turned into your dad  the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint  with
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 04:10:58 PM
Definition of a sonofabich :-)

(http://www.c-wilkie.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/jokes/images/sonofabitch.jpg)

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on April 03, 2003, 04:18:26 PM
:lol:

Did you ever see that episode of the Fast Show?

Bomb Squad Guy #1: Now if I just snip *this* wire..
#2: Sir, isn't it the green wire?
#1: No, I'm sure it's the blue one........phew!..yes the blue one!
#2: Looks like we could be here for the duration, sir.
#1: Yes. The long haul, indeed.

Suddenly Bomb Squad guy #3 appers over #1's shoulder with a huge pair of garden shears, snips the whole mess of wires in half and says:
"Sod that! This could drag on for ages. Anyone fancy a pint?" :pint:

I miss the fast show....... :cry:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 03, 2003, 04:25:50 PM
Sure do!

Ah, a quality comedy episode. Which was nice ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 04, 2003, 11:19:31 PM
Time for the late night groaner

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell who satisfies me every night in bed whether I like it or not."

"Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remmber where I live."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 05, 2003, 04:22:56 AM
:lol:

Heard it before, but still :lol:




Wahay! Page 10!  :-o  :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 02:11:49 PM
Another groaning oldie...

Hillary Clinton went for her annual medical. After the exam, the doc told her that she was in great shape and five weeks pregnant. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the clinic.

She snapped open her mobile and rang home.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?"

There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

 ***

In a recent interview, Bill Clinton was asked if he had any serious regrets over his time as President.

He didn't really have any major regrets but did feel a bit bad about splashing out on that dress...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 02:23:21 PM
A Frenchman, an American and a Cuban, are standing close to the edge a cliff. Each has just come from a bankrupcy hearing, lost their respective buisnesses and are contemplating what to do next with their lives.

The French bloke, a former wine merchant, throws a case of fine wine off the cliff.

Cuban, 'Why did you do that, man?''

''We have plenty more fine wine in France, which is where I'm headed after this...''

Reflecting on the Frenchmans decision, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff.

''Why did you do that?'' asked the American.

"'We have plenty of good cigars in Cuba...''

The Cuban tip toes right up to the edge to watch the havannas tumble to oblivion.
Without warning, the American shoves Cuban and watches him follow the cigars.

Completely shocked, the Frenchman turns to the American.

''What in God's name did you do that for?''

''We have plenty of Cubans in America."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 02:47:51 PM
Two young Italian tourists get on a bus. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

An old lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is soon galvanized when she hears one of the men talking.
 
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

Shocked at the content of the conversation she speaks out.

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' she retorted indignantly, ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the Italian.
''Ima just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 02:56:37 PM
Here's one I got from a mate in Canada

These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”

..well, I laughed :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 03:00:25 PM
I forgot where I heard this one...

An elderly couple have been married for nigh on fifty years. One day they went to a doctor because they recently had been forgeting things and they were afraid that they would leave the stove on.

Doc, “There is no way medically, but you could always write notes to help you remember things. It's unlikely that you will both suffer memory lapses at the same instant.”
 
That night, as the wife was getting up, her husband asked what she was doing. She replied, “I was just going to get some ice cream.”

The husband insisted that he would make it. As he was walking into the kitchen, she called out, “WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!”

“Okay dear,”

“And sprinkles too!”

“Okay dear.”
 
From the kitchen came sounds of banging pots and pans and nearly twenty minutes later he came back into the room with bacon and eggs.

Wife, “What did I tell you? You forgot the toast!"
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 03:06:26 PM

One day, a young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
 
''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take seven limes and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?''

''No. But it'll wipe that bloody smile off your face!''
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 05, 2003, 03:07:10 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
..well, I laughed :-)


So did I :-D

they were all pretty :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 03:10:14 PM
Thanks Vince ;-)

Well, they were a bit thin on the ground yesterday. I actually had to look for this thread just now :-D

-edit-

quick groaner

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 03:15:45 PM
Let's see if I we can get to page 11 :-D

A world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started to lose her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the country.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. She was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.

Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. Upon completion her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ''What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?''

''Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 05, 2003, 04:34:47 PM
They're both :lol: aswell!

We'll be getting some real groaners soon :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 05:26:31 PM
What can I say, I have good days and bad days, just like the next guy :-)

Here's a comparison of religious/philisophical viewpoints I got emailed today...

Taoism: S*** happens
 
Buddhism: If s*** happens, it's not really s***

Zen: What is the sound of s*** happening?

Confusianism: Confucius says: s*** happens

Islam: If s*** happens, take it hostage

Protestantism: S*** happens because you don't work hard enough

Catholicism: S*** happens because you're bad

Judaism: Why does this s*** always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: S*** happens rama rama

TV Evangalism: Send more s***

Atheism: No s***

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good s*** happening

Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, s*** happens
 
Christian Science: S*** happens in your mind

Agnosticism: Maybe s*** happens, maybe it doesn't

Stoicism: This s*** doesn't bother me

Rastafarianism: Say, can we smoke this s***?

Hmmm...Hopefully that either offends nobody, or everbody equally :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 06:45:18 PM
Hmm, I should've known that last one wouldn't go down well..Religion derived humour is usually about as warmly received as a fart in a space suit!

So, here's some humour at the expense of a class of individuals that we can all enjoy :-)

A man is waiting in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. Flinching in surprised anger, he turns around.
 
"Hey! Just what the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
 
"Big deal, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 06:58:17 PM

These two hobbits walk into a pub one night for a wee drink.

After sinking a few, one of them notices a cute woman giving him the eye. So he goes over and introduces himself.

A few more drinks later and the woman is dragging the hobbit lustfully out of the pub, his mate following at a safe distance.

They arrive at the womans house and she proceeds to drag him inside. A few moments later the second hobbit shows up and climbs up the drainpipe to the bedroom window but can't quite see in.

Soon after the lights go out, he hears starnge noises through the window

"I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

A few moments later the first hobbit comes running out of the front door and his mate clambers down to see if he's OK.

"You ok?"

"It was embarrassing. She was irresistable but I simply couldn''t do it."

Shaking his head, "Manhood problems, eh? Probably too much ale..."

"It's not that damn it! I just couldn't get on the bed!"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 07:07:54 PM
Here's a tall story a mate of mine stateside forwarded to me just now. I dunno if it's ann urban myth, but it cracked me up :-)

Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College.  For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to  Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the  rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl:  "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 07:18:10 PM
A menopausal lady went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone as part of her ongoing HRT. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...''

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 05, 2003, 07:23:32 PM
:lol:

I see someone has been busy today :-D


They are all really good... I'm still in the middle of a joke drought... I've not had any new ones to post for ages... well none that I can repeat anyway...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 08:01:18 PM
A guy goes to see his doctor with an urgent demand.

"Doctor, I want to be castrated."
 
"What on earth for?"

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done"

"But have you thought it through properly? It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK. But be advised, it's against my better judgment!"

So the guy has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs akimbo, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand.
Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there!", says the guy, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well, I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

The guy drops to his knees in anguish and yells at the top of his voice,

"Circumcised! Sh*t! THAT'S the word!!”
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 08:08:42 PM
Still only 10 pages! Whaaaa!

A guy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair. The barber asked what he'd like doing...

"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine, please."

The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old cut throat razor whilst the most gorgeous young that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. He grinned lecherously down at her and got an uncertian smile in return. Only half jokingly he propositioned her,

"Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

"Well, I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

"Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."

"Tell him yourself, he's the one shaving you."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 08:20:35 PM
Hmm, seem to have struck a vein of slightly rude ones today...

Three couples went in to see the vicar to see how to become members of his church. The vicar said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!", exclaimed the vicar.

"Yeah. She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The vicar shook his head sadly and said that they were not welcome in his church until they could learn to control their carnal urges.

"That's okay. We're not welcome in B & Q anymore either."

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 05, 2003, 11:31:02 PM
:lol:

 :-o Not a groaner in sight!!! :-P

:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 05, 2003, 11:39:23 PM
Happy to amuse :-)

-edit-

I dunno, I thought the hobbit one would cause a groan...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 01:38:01 AM
Prepare to groan...

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.  He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?"

"I think I'm having a heart attack!"

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year old son comes up to him

"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's  hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his  brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

''You bastard, Here's my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around bare-ars*d scaring the kids!"

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 01:41:36 AM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Prepare to groan...


*groan*

At least you gave a warning this time :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 01:43:52 AM
Well, I guess I peaked for this week :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 01:45:44 AM
Here's a quickie:

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy says "I'm a YUPPIE... you know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy says "I'm a DINK... you know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?" She replied:
"I'm a WIFE...you know, Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

:-P




11 pages!  :-o
:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 01:47:58 AM
:lol:

Good one. Reminds me of

Q. What have you done wrong if the missus keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you?

A. Made her chain too long...

11 pages. Woo hoo!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 01:48:58 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 01:50:06 AM
Don't tell that one to Siouxsie :-)

How to Impress a Woman  

1) Wine her.
2) Dine her.
3) Call her.
4) Hug her.
5) Hold her.
6) Surprise her.
7) Compliment her.
8) Smile at her.
9) Laugh with her.
10) Cry with her
11) Cuddle with her.
12) Shop with her.
13) Give her jewelry.
14) Buy her flowers.
15) Hold her hand.
16) Write love letters to her.
17) Write poetry for her.
18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

How to Impress a Man:
1) Show up naked.
2) Bring beer.  
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 01:55:12 AM
:lol:  Nice one :-D

How about this:

Here are a few examples of before and after you fall in love:

BEFORE - You take my breath away
AFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating

BEFORE - Twice a night
AFTER - Twice a month

BEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
AFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac

BEFORE - Saturday Night Fever
AFTER - Monday Night Football

BEFORE - Don't stop
AFTER - Don't start

BEFORE - Is that all you're having?
AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

BEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dream
AFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm

BEFORE - $60/doz.
AFTER - $1.50/stem

BEFORE - Turbocharged
AFTER - Jumpstart

BEFORE - We agree on everything
AFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

BEFORE - Victoria's Secret
AFTER - Fruit-of-the-Loom

BEFORE - Charming and Noble
AFTER - Chernobyl

BEFORE - Feathers and handcuffs
AFTER - Ball and chain

BEFORE - Idol
AFTER - Idle

BEFORE - I love a woman with curves
AFTER - I never said you were fat

BEFORE - He's completely lost without me
AFTER - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

BEFORE - Time stood still
AFTER - This relationship is going nowhere

BEFORE - Croissant and cappuccino
AFTER - Bagel and instant

BEFORE - You look so seductive in black
AFTER - Your clothes are so depressing

BEFORE - Oysters
AFTER - Fishsticks

BEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each other
AFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

BEFORE - Passion
AFTER - Ration

BEFORE - Once upon a time
AFTER - The end
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 01:57:44 AM
:lol: :lol:

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 02:01:41 AM
If men ruled the world...

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time," would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
 
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

But it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
    As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
    You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
    Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Sigh, if only...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 02:06:52 AM
Heaven! :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 02:09:48 AM
10 Things Men Know About Women

1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.) They can cook.
10.) They have breasts.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 02:14:09 AM
:lol: :lol:

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
 
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues,

"Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,

"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female with a glint of mischief in his eyes

"Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling demurely, the female statue replied, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head.."

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 02:15:40 AM
 :lol:

Too right! :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 02:18:50 AM
This is alledgedly from an actual trial in the UK.

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. Then she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.

 She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was:

"When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins", then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove swelling".

"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William's Stick Did The Trick".

"Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."

The case was dismissed.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 02:23:02 AM
A newlywed young couple were in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a somewhat burly man, tossed his trousers to his bride.

"Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers"
 
"That's right. And don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell, I can't get into your knickers!"

"Damn right, and that's the way its going to stay until your attitude changes."

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 02:31:48 AM
Quote
"Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident."


:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 02:34:03 AM
Proper schoolyard humour :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 03:25:35 AM
One last bit o' silliness before I hit the sack...

A man was having a problem with mice in his house. One night at the pub, he was discussing his pest problem with a friend.

"It's so annoying. I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back."

"I had the same problem once. All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes. That fettles them."

"That's it? I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents."
 
About a week later the guys friend calls him.

"How's it going with the mouse problem, mate?"

"Not terribly good, I'm afraid."

"What's the problem?"

"Well, to be honest with you, I'm having a lot of trouble holding their little legs apart."

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 02:24:53 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 06:03:58 PM
In a murder trial, the lawyer for the defencewas cross-examining the coroner:

Lawyer, "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?"

"No."

"I see. Then, tell me, did you listen to the heart?"

"No."

"Oh, really. Then. may I ask, did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, with the facts established, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was really dead, were you?"

"Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 06:16:46 PM
Whilst I'm puzzling out why this stupid MacroShaft ASP JScript database connectivity backend keeps falling flat on its a*se, here's another joke at a lawyers expense :-)


A guy phones a law firm with an urgent legal enquiry one day.

"Hi, this is Mr. Edwards. I want to speak to my lawyer, Mr. Scheister as soon as possible, please. Can you patch me through?"

"Ah, Mr. Edwards. I'm sorry to be the one to inform you of this, but Mr. Scheister died last week. You'll need to re register with another lawyer. I can send you the relavent forms."

He hangs up.

The next day he phones the law again

"This is Mr Edwards, I rang yesterday - I want to speak to my lawyer, Mr Scheister?"

Once again the receptionist replies that the esrtwhile Mr. Scheister has passesd away recently...

The guy hangs up.

The very next day the guy calls again.

"Hi there, Mr. Edwards again. I rang yesterday and the day before. I want to speak to my lawyer, Mr. Scheister? Could ypu put me through?"

"Excuse me Mr. Edwards. This is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

"I'm sorry, I just can't help it! I love hearing it!"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 06:20:40 PM
Continuing in the legal theme...

A lawyer lies dying of a long term illness, his legal partner of 40 years by his bedside...

"Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."

"Relax. After all, I'm the one who's been putting arsenic in your martinis for the last year..."

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2003, 06:29:23 PM
A large, angry man stomps into a pub and demands a double brandy.

The landlord hands his drink, which the guy downs in a single gulp and angrily demands another.

Trying to put this dangerous looking customer at ease, the landlord politely asks whats bugging the guy as he passes the second double brandy.

"Bloody lawyers. Bunch of ar*seholes, the damn lot. I'll rip the next one I see to pieces!"

Suddenly he pipes up,

"Hey, everybody, hear that? All lawyers are ar*seholes! I'll happily murder the next one I see!"

A bloke down the bar turns around and shouts back..

“Do you mind? I take offense to that!”

The angry guy, with a glint of murder in his bloodshot eyes forges his way down the bar, knocking surprised bystanders aside. He draws up to the guy, ready to kill.

Dropping his voice to a chilling monotone, as people begin to hide behind the tables he questions the guy who spoke up.

“Are you a lawyer?”

“Certianly not! I'm an a*sehole.”
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 06, 2003, 11:55:51 PM
:lol:

Only one groaner in that lot :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 03:05:04 AM
Q. What do you become for staying up till 3am coding?
A. Unemployed...

Hmmm, slightly autobiographical - alas the end draws nigh
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: N7VQM on April 09, 2003, 08:45:21 AM
How about another Jesus golfing joke?
---------

One fine afternoon, Jesus and Moses decide to take in a round a golf.  Everything is going swell and they're both well under par when they arrive at the 14th hole.  Now, the 14th hole has a HUGE water trap just in front of the green.

Moses grabs his 1 wood, tee's up and WHACK!  The ball sails over the fairway, over the water trap and does two bounces into the cup.  A beautiful hole in one.

Jesus gets his 5 wood, tee's up and SMACK!  The ball lands right at the edge of the water trap.  So they trek on up to the water trap.

Jesus then grabs a 9 iron from his bag and gets ready to shoot.  
Moses says, "Whoa, Jesus!  You're not going to make it over the water with that!"
"You watch, I'm gonna play it just like Arnold Palmer," Jesus says.

Jesus takes a wack at it and, as expected, the ball lands right in the middle of that pond.  So Moses parts the water, Jesus gets his ball, and he tries again.  And again and again....

By this time, another group of golfers has arrived to see whats going on.  One of these duffers see's Jesus with his 9 iron and, not having seen these two before, exclaims, "Who the hell does he think he is?!  Jesus Christ?"

"No," Moses says, "He thinks he's Arnold Palmer."
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 09:49:23 AM
 :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 09, 2003, 10:01:15 AM
hehehe..... funny joke :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: on April 09, 2003, 10:29:06 AM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Hi Vincent,

Unfortunately I haven't heard much good material recently. Well, I have heard some but it's either too tactless or tasteless...

A guy walks into a greasy spoon cafe and asks the proprietor for an all day breakfast.

Customer "I want it cooked a certian way"

Owner "No problem, as long as its nowt fancy..."

Customer "I want to have to wait until I'm about to leave for my food. I want the egg frying until its like rubber. I want two slices of fried bread, each burned to the point of total carbonisation. I want some beans that have been on the hob so long that they've congealed into an unidentifable lump of red-brown cack. I want some mushrooms fried into a soggy black pulp that a starving rat wouldn't touch"

Owner "Hey!, Just hold on a minute there..."

Customer "Don't interrupt! I want two rashers of bacon burned to the point that they've the tensile strength of mild steel, and to wash it all down a cup of tea so weak it's translucent and has odd white lumps bobbing in it..."

Owner, getting p*ssed off, "Look here mate, I don't know what your game is, but I havent got the time to ruin perfectly good food for the like of you"

Customer "Well you found bloody time yesterday!"


Hmmm, now reading that was 5 minutes shorter than it was when u told me over the fone dude :D
 :-)  :-D  :-o  ;-)  :-)  :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 10:33:01 AM
@the_heretic

:lol:

Well, youve only got another 11 pages to read through :-)

-edit-

Well, best be off, get a big shot of caffeine and get to work!  :hammer:  :hammer:  :hammer:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 09, 2003, 10:41:49 AM
Work??

What's that when it's at home?  :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 11:37:44 AM
Quote

Venkman wrote:
Work??

What's that when it's at home?  :-D


Cushy. That's what working from home is ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 11:43:59 AM
Righy ho, that's enough chat...Time for a bit of light relief...

Here's a little story I got in my email this morning...

Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket.

When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: ''Why the spoon?''

''Well, restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift.''

As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: ''I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.''

I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: ''Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?''

''Oh'' he answered, lowering his voice. ''Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom.''

''How so?''

''See,'' he continued, ''by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 60.39 percent''

''Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?'

''Well,'' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, ''I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.''

:-D

-edit-

Woo hoo! 12 pages :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: whabang on April 09, 2003, 11:55:31 AM
The iraqui UN ambassador and George Bush meets in one of the hallways in the UN headquarters.

"Good morning, your exellence!" Bush says. "How are you today?"

"I'm fine thanks" the ambassador replies " but I have one question about the USA."

"What"

"My son loves Star Trek, but he can't understand why there are no arabians in the series. There are europeans, africans, asians, americans, even aliens, but there are no arabs. Why?"

Bush smiles an says: "That's because Star trek takes place in the future...
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 09, 2003, 12:29:39 PM
@ N7VQM, whabang

:lol:

@Karlos

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: N7VQM on April 09, 2003, 08:50:38 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:

Woo hoo! 12 pages :-)


What's the longest thread in A.org history?
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 09:37:28 PM
Time for another wee bit 'o silliness...



An unusual 10 pound baby boy was delivered in a local hospital that had the maternity staff in a quandry. The odd thing about him was his body only weighed five pounds and the remaining weight was down to his phenominally overdeveloped Jacobs' s. None the nurses had ever seen anything like him and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him, so they deferred to the chief surgeon.
 
A short while later, the chief surgeon walked in and examined the boy. After a while, he drew his conclusion.

"Regrettably, as far as I can tell this infant should be immediately consigned to an appropriate mental institution."

''Why on earth do you support that prognosis? " asked the head midwife, startled by the revelation.

She continued, "None of the other doctors who have examined him have notied that he might be in any way mentally impared. It's just the, other, er couple of things", she added euphamistically.

"Is it not obvious?"

"Not to me it isn't!"

"Well, take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts!"

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 09, 2003, 09:41:13 PM
Oh My Word!

That was...... *GROANS*

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 10:12:58 PM
Another one I bet Calen already posted on St. Patricks' day...

An old Irishman lived a humble life all he truly owned was a female donkey called Mary. One fine day, lady Fortune smiled upon him and he won a small jackpot the lotto. His prize money totaled £ 25,000.

Having been so poor, he doesn't know what to do with his money. A friend reccomends that he should go to Dublin and live high life for a while.

So, Mary in tow,  he heads for Dublin and finds a nice 5 star hotel to spend a night in.

He asks  for the finest room and attempts to enter the place with his donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.
 
"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey inside. Leave it down here with us and we'll ensure someone comes to take good care of her."
Reluctantly he entrusts Mary to the hotel courtesy staff and goes up to examin his luxury room.

On opening the door he's dazzled by the opulence. Everything seems to be covered in gold, hardwood, there is a table full of gourmet food, and a huge television.

Out of his depth, he doesn't want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the floor.

The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how his night was.

''Grand, grand. To be sure I never stayed in such a fine place. How much do I have to pay ye?
 
''Well, sir. One thousand pounds for the food.''
 
''Bejeezus! But I haven't even touched the food."

''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand pounds for the TV."
 
''Mary! But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''
 
''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for the four poster bed with silk sheets and en-suite facilites."
 
''But I only slept on the floor! I haven't even stepped into the bathroom yet!''
 
''It was there. There's also a two thousand pound charge for handling your donkey. Your total is ten thousand pounds."

''Ten thousand? Away with ye! You owe me ten thousand for humping my donkey.''
 
''But sir, I didn't do any such thing to your donkey.''

'She was there. You should have!''

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 10:27:55 PM

A man walks into a pub, slaps a wad of cash on the bar and asks for six double brandys.
 
Landlord, "Well, guv,  you must have had one crap excuse for a day."

"I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The man downs his drinks quickly, rapidly gets into a stupor annd forgets his woes before staggering home.

The next day, he returns, looking even more stressed than the previous day.

Landlord, "Still not got over the shock then?"

"Worse! I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

Again, he guzzles the brandy and settles down for a night not to remember...

On the third day, he returns and orders yet another six double brandys.

Landlord, "Stone me, guv! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and looked the landlord, "Sure! There's my wife for starters!"

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 09, 2003, 10:30:55 PM
:roflmao:

very good

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: N7VQM on April 09, 2003, 10:47:41 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Time for another wee bit 'o silliness...



An unusual 10 pound baby boy was delivered in a


I read this one to my wife.
She asks, "Was that supposed to be funny?"
I say, "It was suppose to be a groaner."
She says, "Groaner...or GROINER?"

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 09, 2003, 11:10:53 PM
Quote

N7VQM wrote:
I read this one to my wife.
She asks, "Was that supposed to be funny?"
I say, "It was suppose to be a groaner."
She says, "Groaner...or GROINER?"


:lol:

Here's an old, slightly rude one I bet you heard before...

Q. Why did Clinton have such a hard time deciding what to do with Elian Gonzalez?
 
A. The last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was almost impeached...

:-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 10, 2003, 02:08:56 AM
:lol:

Nice jokes Karlos :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: whabang on April 10, 2003, 09:30:19 AM
One HUGE groan for Karlos... :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: whabang on April 10, 2003, 09:32:29 AM
Here's a cruel one:

Q: What happens when two gay men mix up super glue and vaseline?

A: The space shuttle crashes...

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 10, 2003, 11:26:13 AM
Hi Whabang!

Ooooh, that's of dodgy taste.. Somebodys gonna toast your ass for that one, I'm sure!

I was chatting with Venkman on ICQ last night, told him plenty of jokes I don't dare put here

:-D

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on April 10, 2003, 11:34:56 AM
Hey Karlos,

Quote
I was chatting with Venkman on ICQ last night, told him plenty of jokes I don't dare put here


Aw, go on...... :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 10, 2003, 11:53:09 AM
Quote

Wilse wrote:
Hey Karlos,

Quote
I was chatting with Venkman on ICQ last night, told him plenty of jokes I don't dare put here


Aw, go on...... :-P


Haway man. There's bairns come readin' the site, like!
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Venkman on April 10, 2003, 09:06:49 PM
haha.. yeah Karl. You don't wanna go posting those in here. They definately scored 100% on the Bad-Taste-O-Meter

 :-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 11, 2003, 09:21:44 AM
Hi all,

Time for another dose of morning silliness. Ah ah, come on, open up, hear comes the aeroplane...

Newscaster, "News just in. A terrorist has managed to hijack 747 containing a large party of senior policiticans, lawyers and other legal advisers. Nobody seems to know at this time who the terrorist is, which faction he represents or why he hijacked the fight. We can go live to the scene now..."

Reporter, "Yes, a tense scene here. A SWAT team has surrounded the aircraft which is currently grounded. Negotiations with the hijacker are going on at this moment. As you said, the plane was carrying a large contingent of politicans and laywers."

"Do we know anything more at this time? What threats has the hijacker made so far?"

"Given the nature of the passengers on board, extreme caution is being used in dealing with the hijacker, who so far has refused any attempt to compromise. If his demands aren't met, he's threatening to release one every hour..."

Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 11, 2003, 09:34:26 AM
One morning a blind bunny was lolloping through the field. Suddenly he tripped over a large snake and fell right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny.  "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."

"That'ssss perfectly all right," replied the snake.  "To be ssssure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't ssssee you coming.  By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know, 'cos I'm blind, and I've never seen myself.  Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, now, you're ssssoft, and cuddly, and you have long ssssilky earssss, and a little fluffy tail and a little twitchy little nose... I know, you must be a bunny rabbit!"

"Ah, I always wondered! What kind of animal are you?"

"Likewissse, I'm not sure. Maybe you could examine me..."

So the little bunny nuzzled the snake up and down it's length with his sensitive twitching nose...

"Well, what kind of an animal am I?"

"You're hard, you're cold, you're scaly and you haven't got any balls... You must be a f***ing lawyer!"

:-D
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Karlos on April 11, 2003, 09:37:04 AM
Rapid fire groaner...

Q) Why are politicians and lawyers always buried at least 12 feet underground?

A) Well, deep down, they're not too bad!

-edit-

Woo hoo! 300th post :-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 01:56:20 PM
This thread should be renamed "Groaner's Corner" :-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Wilse on April 11, 2003, 02:05:28 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
This thread should be renamed "Groaner's Corner" :-P


Done! :pint:

13 pages? What on earth have I started here? :lol:
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 02:20:35 PM
Quote

Wilse wrote:
Done! :pint:


:-D

Quote
13 pages? What on earth have I started here? :lol:


Sometimes I think it's a competition for the worst jokes ever ;-)
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 02:25:54 PM
Speaking of bad jokes:

The lawyer was reading out the Will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the Will:

"To my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in the rough times, as well as the good; the house and $2 million.

"To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in illness and kept the business going; the yacht, the business and $1 million.

"And to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would not remember him in my Will, you were wrong: Hello Dan!"
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 02:26:43 PM
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

:-P
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: zudobug on April 11, 2003, 03:22:48 PM
Whats the difference between a dead dog lying on the motorway and a dead lawyer lying on the motorway?

The dead dog has skid marks infront of it.
Title: Re: EMINEM
Post by: redrumloa on April 11, 2003, 04:28:49 PM
This thread is waay to long and OT, it has now self destructed.
Title: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 04:55:24 PM
Ah well, time to start a new thread for groaners :-P

"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 05:00:47 PM
Here's one that everybody here can appreciate:

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark.

After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey, where am I? To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away.  ust as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

:-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Stimpzilla on April 11, 2003, 05:04:54 PM
The first one was a definite groaner,  but, and please don't take this the wrong way, the second one made me smirk out loud.

You'll have to lower your standards much more for Son Of Groaner(TM)  :-D  ;-)

Stimpy
=====

(Long time reader of the original - now I can prove my insanity...)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 11, 2003, 05:06:35 PM
Jokes at Pentium's expense:

Q: Why didn't Intel call the Pentium the 586?
A: Because they added 486 and 100 on the first Pentium and got 585.999983605.

Q: According to Intel, the Pentium conforms to the IEEE standards 754 and 854 for floating point arithmetic. If you fly in aircraft designed using a Pentium, what is the correct pronunciation of "IEEE"?
A: Aaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!

:-D

That's enough from me just now.....



Quote
You'll have to lower your standards much more for Son Of Groaner(TM)


Keep that name reserved for Karlos! :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: vortexau on April 11, 2003, 05:20:42 PM
A television Comedy-Team's recent show aired in Australia had a few 'takes' on certain imported TV Shows.

Their one on "24" had the character's daughter getting repeatedly kidnapped (and set free) with less effort exerted by the perps each successive occassion. They explained that THEY kidnapped her because she was returning videos to the hirer unrewound!
 Second last grab - she had to knock herself out as the van driver was short-handed.
 Last grab - a kid on a tricycle picked her up with a tin-wagon in tow!
° They even played with the digital time run-out counter overlay; it jammed and she had to re-start it with a thump!

. . . .

Their one on "Joe Millionaire" had the 'girl' to marry Joe, but with the 'girl' having a surprise for 'joe' too ...... the 'girl' wasn't really a girl!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Atheist on April 11, 2003, 07:33:59 PM
Quote

vortexau wrote:

.......

Their one on "Joe Millionaire" had the 'girl' to marry Joe, but with the 'girl' having a surprise for 'joe' too ...... the 'girl' wasn't really a girl!


"What comes around, goes around." The "You can't win", game show.  :-)

@ Vincent,

m$ joke. priceless

AmigaOne! 500 UKP.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 12, 2003, 04:49:04 PM
This is a bit of an oldie:

Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.


Now, *that's* a groaner :-P

Quote

Atheist wrote:
m$ joke. priceless


That was my thought aswell :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: vortexau on April 13, 2003, 04:23:40 PM

(http://www.teddwebb.com/tickle_me/misc/spotsdog.jpg)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 14, 2003, 01:22:37 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 14, 2003, 08:26:27 PM
Hi all,

Glad to see Vince resurrected the humour section :-)

I'm a bit dried up for now but here's a quick groaner

An old man and woman are talking in the lounge of their retirement home one day. From nowhere the woman says, "I bet can guess your age."
 
The old guy doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants,"

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and arrives at a conclusion.

"You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing! How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 14, 2003, 08:34:16 PM
Some more legal related humour that was in my mail today...

People Really Said These Things In Court  

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
 
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: alx on April 14, 2003, 09:19:51 PM
 :lol:  :roflmao:  :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 14, 2003, 10:31:59 PM
Good to see you're still here Karlos :-D

That first one was a real groaner :-P

But, the rest, well:

:lol: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Venkman on April 14, 2003, 10:40:11 PM
Some of those jokes were pretty good...

I just thought I'd post something to let you all know that I'm still a member of this forum. I've just been a bit busy with other things
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 12:31:28 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

But, the rest, well:

:lol: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:


Uh ho, that can't be good!

@Venkman : Hi matey, hows it hanging?


Here's another bit of anti Lawyer sentiment...



A successful young lawyer parked up his brand new Lexus outside the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The receptionist immediately grabbed the phone, dialed 999 and within minutes a policeman pulled up.


 
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, barely a day old, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When he finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?"

"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Arghhh! Where's my Rolex!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 15, 2003, 12:33:53 AM
:lol:

Nice one mate :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 12:37:32 AM
The Lawyer's Funeral  

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout for this one man. He turns to the people around him.

“Why are you all at this man's funeral?”
A man turns towards him and says, “We're all former clients.”
 
“And you all came to pay your respects? How touching.”

“No, we just came to make sure the ***tard was dead.”  
 
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 12:40:48 AM
Q) What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?

A) You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 12:48:02 AM
Q) What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A) A rottweiler.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 15, 2003, 12:55:22 AM
:lol:

They're all pretty good :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 12:59:50 AM
Q) How many new deal advisers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) Well, let's not get too carried away. First you must fill out this form in triplicate...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 01:01:45 AM
Q) How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?

A) One, but it does has to have a good case.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 01:09:07 AM
Q) You are trapped in an lift with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

A) Shoot the lawyer twice, just to make certian he's dead...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 01:28:47 AM
Microsoft sue the creator of the tamagochi!

In breaking news, a senior legal representative for the Redmond software giant have announced they intend to take the creator of the tamagochi 'electonic pet' concept to court for plagerism.

"The release of a software product that requires constant care and attention to prevent it's untimely demise is a clear derivation of our own software product that has been in production for many years previously"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 15, 2003, 02:32:57 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on April 15, 2003, 09:20:09 AM
Sod being a lawyer round these parts!

 :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 15, 2003, 12:45:27 PM
Quote

Wilse wrote:
Sod being a lawyer round these parts!

 :-D


Sod being a lawyer :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on April 15, 2003, 12:52:43 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
Quote

Wilse wrote:
Sod being a lawyer round these parts!

 :-D


Sod being a lawyer :-D


I dunno. When I was a kid Peprocelli(sp?) was a hero of mine.
I wouldn't mind their wages either.

Having said that, they can be complete c*nts.
When I split up with my ex, we had to reach a settlement over ownership of the flat we had. We agreed I'd give her some cash & keep the flat. She let this slip to her lawyer, who started sending me threatening letters and charging her £25 every time he did so (this was nearly 10 years ago). I must've received about four or five of them before she persuaded him to stop.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: whabang on April 15, 2003, 03:02:41 PM
What a freak! :-o  :-o  :-o
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 10:51:49 PM
Hi all,

A slightly rude one and nowt tae dee wi' Lawyers!

A bunch of bricklayers are sitting at the local pub. Theyr'e pretty drunk, and the topic turns to 'Big Dave' at the end of the bar who, as everyone knows, has the biggest pan handle in town.

One of the brickies, egged on by his mates gets enough courage to go up to Dave and ask him why he's got the biggest dong around.

“Well,” Dave begins, “every night before bed, I pull out my chap, give it a bit of a stretch and tap it on the bedpost three times.”

“That's it?”
 
“That's it,” says Dave, finishing his drink.
 
So the brickie goes home and quietly slips into his bedroom, pulls out his thing, tugs, and taps it on the bedpost three times.
Without warning, his wife wakes up in the darkness

“Hey, Dave, is that you?”
:-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 15, 2003, 10:55:16 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 15, 2003, 11:00:59 PM
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, frowning and looking very frustrated,
mutters, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT old question!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on April 16, 2003, 09:24:53 AM
@Karlos:

:lol:

That's the best one in ages, mate.

Laughed out loud at that.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Venkman on April 16, 2003, 02:38:13 PM
:lol:

Thats' great :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 16, 2003, 03:38:23 PM
:lol:

Excellent! :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 17, 2003, 12:56:42 AM
Wow, three good appraisals!  :-o  :-o

I guess there's no way but down, so prepare to groan...

(a bit rude)

A self-concious wife keeps asking her husband if her breasts are too small.

''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

It's all the poor guy hears. Day in and day out she worries over her cleavage.

One night, before bed, she asks once too often..Fed up, he turns to her with an idea...

''I know how to make them larger!''

''How?''

''Take a wad of loo paper and rub it in between them.''

''And you think that'll work?''

''Without doubt.''

''How long will it take do you reckon?''

''They'll be three times the size in a few years,''

''Really? How do you know that?''

''I dunno, but it sure worked a treat for your a*se, didn't it, love? Goodnight!''

:-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 17, 2003, 01:03:45 AM
Some tip top relationship advice I got sent by a mate stateside...

    For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

    Here is a guide to the point system.

    Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10  after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

    Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

    Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

    A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

    A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

    Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

    The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

    Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 17, 2003, 03:12:58 AM
That was pretty funny aswell! :lol:

And oh-so true ;-) :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 18, 2003, 04:42:07 PM
You know you need a good groaner when this thread is on page 2! :-D

Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."

"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.

"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."

"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"



:-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Venkman on April 18, 2003, 08:31:39 PM
Well some of these jokes have helped cheer me up on a pretty stressful day :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 18, 2003, 10:09:04 PM
Hi guys,

Sorry I've not contributed much here lately - I've been scouring the net for info (boooo!) and spending much time working on my amiga (hooooray!)..

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Doobrey on April 20, 2003, 12:11:56 AM
 Two women are talking about relationships and stuff..(you know, the usual girlie stuff men go down the pub to avoid)

 One turns to the other and asks.." Do you smoke after sex?"
 The other woman thinks for a while, then replies "I dunno, I`ve never looked "
 :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 20, 2003, 03:01:42 AM


:-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 20, 2003, 09:06:20 AM
;-) A traveling salesman is tooling down the winding country road in his sports car.  Now, without any traffic lights, he’s going faster than he should, but he doesn’t think about it until he turns a corner and, sure enough, there’s a mule in the road, and he hits him.

Our hero feels bad about what has happened, so he looks about and spots the nearest farmhouse.  The farmer listens to the explanation, then replies: “Well, sir, I appreciate that you want to do the right thing, but it’s going to cost you five hundred dollars to replace that mule.”

The salesman confides that he doesn’t have that much money at the moment, but continues that he can raise it within the week.  “There’s just one catch though: I’m going to have to take the mule with me.”

“You go right ahead and help yourself, sir; you’ll save me the trouble of burying that mule.”

Well, a week later finds our hero on the farmer’s doorstep, and he counts out five hundred dollars into the farmer’s hand.  “That’s five hundred on the nose, all right, but if you don’t mind my asking, why did you need the mule?”  

The salesman explains: “Well, you see, the way that I raised the money was by continuing my rounds as usual, except that in addition to representing the fine products and services available through my company, I also sold each of my customers a one-dollar raffle ticket.”

“…And the mule?” prompts the farmer.

“Oh, he was the mystery prize.”

“Wait a minute,” the farmer scratches his head, “you sold five hundred tickets to your customers and the prize was a dead mule?  Didn’t you upset five hundred customers?”

“Oh, no,” chuckles the salesman, “I just upset the one fellow.  So I gave him his dollar back.”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 20, 2003, 07:58:34 PM
:roflmao:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 22, 2003, 06:57:30 AM
;-) A mother-to-be is showing off her new kitchen to her grandmother.  

She points out the side-by-side refrigerator / freezer with gadgets that dispense both water and ice through the door.  She explains that she and her husband thought that this feature would help prevent the little one’s fingers being pinched in the hinges, and Grandma is suitably impressed.

Next, she points out her partial-convection microwave oven that browns the food as it is cooked.  She explains that this will allow her to prepare dinner more quickly, and thus allow her to spend more time interacting with the new child, and Grandma is suitably impressed.

Finally, she introduces the magnetic-coil range.  Under the glass top, electric coils produce a rotating magnetic field that produces heat in inserts in the special pots and pans that are designed to work with it.  The advantage is that once the food is cooked, and the pot is removed, the glass top is no warmer than it would be if you had cooked the food on a conventional range, and then left the pot on the glass for a while.  It is warm enough to surprise you, if you weren’t expecting it, but it is not hot enough to injure you.  This would be useful in case the little one is crawling on the counter top, some day.

Again, Grandma is suitably impressed.  She speaks for the first time since the tour began: “Tell me, child, if you could only have one of these modern conveniences, which would it be?”  Her granddaughter thinks for a bit, then replies: “Well, despite the safety features in the other new appliances, I’d really have to choose the partial-convection microwave, because that will free up the most time.”

Grandma smiles, and clucks her tongue.  “Oh, child, if it were me, I would have chosen running water any day!”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 22, 2003, 07:41:33 PM
:roflmao:

I'm back after my wee Easter sabattical at home, nice to see the humour is still on tap :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 22, 2003, 11:56:43 PM
:lol:

Nice jokes Quixote :-D

Looks like we have a new groaner member here ;-)

That brings us up to 5 now, just don't mention the Jackson 5!!!! :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 23, 2003, 06:41:09 AM
Vincent volunteered:
Quote
Nice jokes Quixote :-D
;-) That last one is a story that I use to regain my perspective whenever I’m in danger of losing it.  In America, there is a tendency to miss the forest for the trees.  I’m guilty of this myself, but I’ll relate a bit that involves two of the people where I used to work, last year.

As they were heading out the door to the smoking area, one was explaining to his neighbor that there was a new television series premiering that evening, and that he had programmed his VCR to record it for him while he was at work. In addition, he further explained that he had brought a battery powered, portable television set to work with him, so that he could catch glimpses of the program in his spare moments.  However, he lamented that his portable set was an earlier model, and only displayed black and white images.

As they passed my desk, I shared with them my anecdote about the new mother’s kitchen, as seen in my last post above.  They chuckled at it, and I continued that I had brought the story up to illustrate a point:

“In some parts of the world, people do not have running water, yet here in America, we complain that our battery-powered, portable television sets are only black and white, and not color.”  They smiled at this point, recognizing themselves.

I concluded, tongue in cheek : “It sure is a burden to be us!”


:-( Naturally, I have every sympathy for under-developed nations, but it’s easy to lose sight of such matters when your day-to-day routine involves things that are so different.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 23, 2003, 09:15:44 AM
;-) Time for another fun one.  I'm using up all of my best material here, so I hope it's appreciated.

This time, our salesman is in a hotel, on the East coast.  Now, when I say that he’s in the hotel, I really mean that he’s in the restaurant on the top floor of the hotel.  And actually, when I say that he’s in the restaurant on the top of the hotel, he’s actually in the tavern, just off of the restaurant on the top floor of the hotel.

Now the stranger seated next to him is explaining that because the plaza below has buildings adjacent to the hotel arranged in a “V” formation, the wind that comes in from the seaboard is focused against the base of the hotel, so the updraft is tremendous.  Further, the stranger explains that because the face of the hotel building is curved, like a celery stalk, the rising wind doesn’t spill around the edges of the building as it might with a different architecture.  “Therefore,” he concludes, “the updraft outside that window is so strong, that if you were to jump out of it, the wind would blow you right back in.”

Our hero is dubious. “Oh, I’m sure the wind is strong, for all of the reasons that you explained, but I’m not quite convinced that it’s as strong as you say.”

The stranger smiles.  “I’ll bet you a hundred bucks you could do it.”

Our hero pauses: “A hundred dollars? Well,  --Oh wait, I get it.  I’ll win the bet, by falling to my death, but you’ll still collect the money.  No, sir, you almost had me there, but I’m not that drunk.”

The stranger says “I’ll jump.”

And our hero says “—You’ll jump?  Okay sir, you’ve got yourself a bet.”

So our hero sets a hundred dollars down on the bar, and the stranger matches it.  The stranger walks to the window and undoes the latch.  The panes burst open, the curtains are flapping in the gales, the little candles at the tables are blowing out, and the stranger is pushed back, stumbling a bit before he braces himself.  Then he takes a breath, rushes forward and dives over the sill.

Our hero runs to the window and looks down to see the stranger tumbling down, down, until the stranger opens his coat to catch the air.  Now he’s slowing, now he’s hovering, now he’s rising, rising, and our hero just has time to duck to the side before the wind blows the stranger back into the tavern, rolling on the floor.  The stranger rises to his feet, brushes the dust from his clothes, and gives a little bow.

Our hero is impressed.  With his jaw agape, he latches the window and returns to the bar.  There, he pushes all the money toward the stranger and concedes: “Here you go, sir.  That’s all yours, you’ve earned it.”  Our hero orders another drink and looks at the window.  Then he orders another drink and looks at the window.  Finally, he decides that he just has to try it for himself.

“Bet you a hundred bucks that you don’t have the guts,” offers the stranger.

“You’re on!” smiles our hero, “here’s a chance for me to win my money back.”  And he sets more money on the bar and walks to the window, just as the stranger had before him.  He undoes the latch, just as had the stranger before him.  Just as it had for the stranger before him, the wind blows the window open, flaps the curtains about, and extinguishes the little candles on the nearby tables.  Likewise, our hero is staggered at first, until he regains his footing, and braces himself.  Then, just as had the stranger before him, our hero takes a quick breath, runs forward, and dives over the sill.

He tumbles down, down, then he opens his coat!  --And he tumbles down, down,…

The stranger strolls to the window, latches it back up and returns to the bar.  He pushes all of the money toward the bartender and instructs him.  “Just keep them coming until that runs out.”

Shaking his head, the bartender fills the stranger’s glass, and confides: “Boy, golly, Superman, you sure are mean when you get drunk.”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: whabang on April 23, 2003, 09:34:52 AM
A policeman stops a woman driving 70 Km/h on a 30 Km/h road.

 -Good evening, ma'm! Can I see your driver's licence, please? :roll:

 -Well, that'd be a bit tricky, I don't have one. :-)

 -OK, can I please see the papers on the car, then? :crazy:

 -I don't have them as the car is stolen. :-)

 -The car is stolen?!?! :-?

 -Yep! But wait a sec! I think I saw the papers when I put my gun in the glove compartment! :idea:

The policeman is starting to get a bit pale. :nervous:

 -You got a gun in the glove compartment?!? :-o

 -Yeah, I used it when I killed the owner of the car; she's still lying in the trunk. :-)

The policeman decides to call for reinforcements. :shocked:
Five minutes later, the car is surrounded by policemen. A detective approaches the car and asks again:

 -Can I see some ID, please? :evil:

 -Sure! :-)

The woman hands over a driver's licence.

 -Can I see the papers on the car? :evil:

The woman hands over the papers.

 -Please open you glove compartment... SLOWLY! :evil:

The woman opens the glove compartment. Of course, there's nothing in it.

 -And the trunk...:evil:

She pulls a lever and the trunk opens. It is empty aswell. The detective scratches his head.

 -I don't understand anything! My colleague said that you have no driver's licence, drive a stolen car, have a gun in the glove compartment and a dead body in the trunk!  :-?

 -Yeah, right! What's next? Didn't he accuse me of speeding aswell?!?!?  :-x

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 23, 2003, 02:11:14 PM
Quote

Quixote speaking honestly:
;-) Time for another fun one.  I'm using up all of my best material here, so I hope it's appreciated.


I can't say the same :-P

That bar joke had me :roflmao:

@Whabang

:lol: I'll have to remember that when I get a car :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on April 23, 2003, 02:28:11 PM
OK, here's an old one and it's a groaner too. It may well have been posted here before so apologies in advance.
Apologies also to any Scousers - no offence intended.   ;-)
--
Subject: SCOUSE EGGS


Two Scousers are riding along the M62 from Liverpool to  Manchester on a motorbike. They break down and start to hitchhike. A friendly trucker stops  to see if he can help and the Scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them that he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows, however, he is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he is late for his delivery so he tells the Scousers he has to leave.

The Scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with the 20,000 bowling balls, will he take them, so he agrees. They  manage
to squeeze themselves and their motorbike in  the back of  the wagon; the driver closes the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late, so he puts his foot down.  Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies with heavy sarcasm "Scouse eggs".
The policeman does not believe this and wants to take a look in the back. He opens the back door, takes a look, shuts it and locks it straightaway.
He rushes back to his car, gets on the radio and calls for  immediate backup from as many officers as possible. The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon containing 20,000 Scouse eggs, so far two have hatched and the b*stards have managed to nick a motorbike already".
--
:roll:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on April 23, 2003, 04:35:13 PM
Another groaner:
--
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club.
 
It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing.

Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin.

Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........
 
BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned around, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP.......

BUMP........BUMP........

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....
 
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.

Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges.....

The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
 
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ........

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ........still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......


BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...


He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........









The coffin stopped.

--
I know. :roll:




Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 23, 2003, 09:14:33 PM
Ye gads! Whit a groaner!



Wow, I didn't hear any decent stuff to put here in a while. But as soon as I do.... ;-)

-edit-

PS the scouse eggs joke was a cracker! Nice one Rob
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 23, 2003, 09:50:07 PM
The Scouse eggs joke made me :roflmao:

The second, well... :-P

But the Scouse eggs more than made up for it :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 24, 2003, 01:53:52 AM
A good lawyer?

A well off lawyer was driving his new car through the poor part of town and noticed a thin, scruffy looking guy eating grass. Considering his well off position he felt a pang of conciense, stopped the car and went over to the guy

"Hey there. Why are you eating grass?"

"I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat."

"Thats awful! You must come back to my house at once."

"But I have a wife and three kids."

"That's fine. There's enough room there."
 
When they were all in the car, the man thankes the laywer on behalf of his family.

"Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."

"You're simply going to love it there."

Getting excited, the kids piped up..

"Do you have nice things to eat there?"

"Oh yeah! I mean, the grass out back is at least a  foot tall!"

:-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 24, 2003, 02:07:49 AM
....and if that last one of mine wasnt bad enough :-)

A young student's grandad visits him one week. He sees a condom on the table.

'Hey son, what's this!?'

Suddenly sheepish the young lad mutters an answer.

'It's a condom, you can get them anywhere nowadays..."

"Really? What do you use it for?'

Surprised, and a little relieved that his grandad really doesn't know what a condom is, he makes up an answer to change the subject.

'I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

"That's a great idea, I need something like that."

Later the grandad wanders past a pharmacist and pops in for some sanatogen. Suddenly he notices condoms for sale too.

He asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Oh, at least big enough to fit a camel."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 24, 2003, 02:08:09 AM
Now, here's a total groaner for you all. :-)

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman were in a concentration camp and were about to be gassed.

They were each offered a last request.

The Scotsman said "right, I'll take a bottle of the finest Scotch Whiskey you have.  I'll be too blind drunk to notice the gas, that's a nice way to go."

The Englishman heard this, "that's a great idea.  I'd like a couple of bottles of the finest wine you can.  That way I'll be to drunk to notice."

The Scotsman looks at the Englishman and gives an approving smile and nod, the Englishman smiles and raises his bottles to say "cheers".

The Irishman was next.  "I'd like the grandest grand piano you can find, I'd like to sing a song as I go."

Once all three had their items of choice. they were led into seperate gas chambers and were executed.

Once the gas had cleared the officers opened the chambers to dispose of the bodies.

The Scotsman's chamber was first.  He was sitting propped up against the wall, still clutching his empty whiskey bottle.  He was dead.

The Englishman was also propped up against the wall clutching one of the empty wine bottles.  He was also dead.

As the guards approached the Irishman's chamber they heard some music.  They looked at each other confusingly and opened the chamber door.

The Irishman was sitting on the piano stool playing away to his heart's content.

"How on Earth are you still alive?" asked one of the guards.

"Ah, my boy, tunes help you breathe more easily."

I did warn you that it was a groaner :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: FluffyMcDeath on April 24, 2003, 05:32:38 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

"Ah, my boy, tunes help you breathe more easily."



I don't know about the rest of North America, but where I've been in Canada I haven't seen any "Tunes", so this probably doesn't translate. So for the people who don't know, "Tunes" are like "Halls" and "Hacks".

 "tunes help you breathe more easily" is the advertising slogan (or at least, it was in the 70's).
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 24, 2003, 06:13:48 AM
;-) Once, there was a lawyer who died and went to Heaven.  [Yeah, right, that’s a good joke by itself, isn’t it?  But it continues.]  Saint Peter looks up and smiles.  He then comes out from behind his podium, takes the lawyer’s hand and shakes it warmly.  “By golly, are we happy to see you here!” he enthused.

The lawyer is a little puzzled. “Well, I suppose you’re happy to see everybody who comes here, am I right?”

“Yes, but it’s a rare day that we get someone who’s lived as long as you have, sir!”  St. Peter is still pumping the lawyer’s hand.

The lawyer is puzzled.  “Hmm?  But the last I remember, I was fifty five.  That may be getting on a bit, but surely it’s nothing remarkable.”

Now it’s St. Peter’s turn to be puzzled. “I was of the belief that you had lived to be One Hundred and Forty.  Let me double check our figures.”  The Saint returned to his podium and consulted his great ledger, turning the pages first one way, then another.  His puzzled countenance sobered.  After some minutes, he returned to the lawyer.  “I’ve uncovered a clerical error on our part.  It seems that one of our angels had calculated your age by adding up all of your Billing Hours!”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 24, 2003, 03:11:44 PM
@FluffyMcDeath

Thanks for pointing that out, I forgot about the adverts only really being shown in the UK.

@Quixote

:lol:



I just noticed that this thread has a ying-yang icon - when'd that happen?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 24, 2003, 07:31:42 PM
Vincent voiced:
Quote
I just noticed that this thread has a ying-yang icon - when'd that happen?
;-) That icon was for the last post, mine.  I thought it appropriate considering the lawyer's past actions were catching up to him at the last moment.  He may not be standing outside the Pearly Gates very long.

(Now this thread has a winking icon, until someone adds another reply, and replaces it.)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jeffimix on April 24, 2003, 09:07:16 PM
I couldn't resist.


(if someone replies, I put the windows Icon on it)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 24, 2003, 09:21:36 PM
Hi all,

A pair of quick groans - all pretty painless if you pinch your nose first...

Q) Heard about the lawyer who took viagra ?
 
A) He grew a foot taller and couldn't bend down all evening...



Q) What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
 
A) Nothing. C'mon, there are some things even a pig won't do!

-edit-

Hey, my 1000th post :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 24, 2003, 10:33:34 PM
;-) An elderly millionaire was on his deathbed.  He summoned the three men to whom he had grown closest in his last few months; his doctor, his lawyer, and his minister.  When they were gathered around, he confided: “Gentlemen, it’s been said that you cannot take it with you.  Well, I’m going to try and find out for myself!.  In my will, I’ve bequeathed various of my material possessions to my descendants, but the bulk of my bank accounts is here by my bedside, in cash.”

“I want you three to divide it up into three envelopes, and keep one envelope each.  At my funeral, I want each of you to throw his envelope into my casket with me.”  With somber faces, the doctor, the lawyer and the minister each agree to grant the millionaire’s last wish.  Minutes later, the old fellow breathes his last, and the necessary arrangements are made.

It was a fine eulogy.  As the gathered mourners pass the casket, the old man’s three closest confidants each toss in the envelope with which he had been entrusted.

Afterward, as the casket is being lowered into the grave, and the mourners are talking among themselves, the trio stands together silently.  Then the doctor speaks.  “Father, I have a confession to make.  When I tossed in the envelope that the old man had given me, $50,000 was missing.  I kept it to finance my free children’s clinic.  Do you think the Lord will understand?”

The minister replies: “Hopefully, He will be that gracious, or surely I’ll roast in Hell along with you.  My own envelope was short by twice that amount, but now, starving children overseas will be eating well.  May the Good Lord forgive us both.”

The two hang their heads, lost in thought, but the lawyer is stunned.  “Gentlemen, I cannot believe what I am hearing!  A man of medicine and a man of the cloth have stolen from a dead man who could not defend himself?  After he trusted you?”

The lawyer draws himself up to his full height, puffing out his chest in indignation.  “I’ll have you know that I personally threw in a check for the full amount!”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 25, 2003, 01:32:10 AM
:lol:

Judging by some of the jokes here (mine included) I think this icon is more appropriate ;-)

There haven't really been too many groaners so far though :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 25, 2003, 01:42:55 AM
;-) A lady walks into the butcher shop and addresses the butcher.  “I would like a pound of kiddlies, please.”

“A pound of what?  I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you.”

She repeats.  “I would a pound of kiddlies, please.”

The butcher frowns for a moment, then brightens. “Oh, you mean a pound of kidneys!  Sure thing, coming right up.”

The customer is indignant.  “Well now, I said kiddlies, diddle I?”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on April 25, 2003, 09:22:52 AM
Q. What do you get if you cross Tina Turner with an Orangutan?

A. A F*cking ugly Orangutan.

 :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 25, 2003, 06:22:02 PM
;-) For my thousandth post, a bit of news from the world of archeology:

Evidence has been found lately to the effect that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all of the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 27, 2003, 04:21:35 AM
;-) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  I'm busy. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on April 27, 2003, 02:11:45 PM
"kiddlies" - :lol:

The shrinking one is definitely a groaner tho :-P

I haven't heard *any* jokes for a while.  As soon as I do, I'll post it :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 27, 2003, 10:45:34 PM
;-) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products. Since they already made the cases for pocketwatches, they decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of the finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 29, 2003, 05:39:32 PM
;-) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day.  After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.  The chief shrugged and said, "The thong has ended, but the malady lingers on."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on April 29, 2003, 10:25:39 PM
Here's a one I heard today, fit's in nicely after Quixote's...

A cowboy rode his horse up to a saloon. He climbed down, tethered it and walked around to its rear.
Then, to the disgust of all those who could see, the cowboy kissed his horse's backside before coming in and asking for a drink.

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

"It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

"That's the darndest thing. Does horse sh*t help them heal?"

Spitting into the spitoon the cowboy replies, "Nope.... But it sure keeps me from lickin' at 'em."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on April 30, 2003, 08:17:50 PM
;-) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: that_punk_guy on April 30, 2003, 08:30:22 PM
:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 01, 2003, 04:05:23 AM
Quote

that_punk_guy wrote:
:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he


Nnnnnooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! :-P

It's one of the few threads that's lighter in tone.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 01, 2003, 11:01:09 PM
Quote

that_punk_guy wrote:
:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he


Bump :-D That'll teach ye....
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on May 03, 2003, 12:43:09 AM
that_punk_guy's thin, pained grimmace :
Quote
:roll: Someone please bury this thread where it can never be found again  :-D he he
:lol: Bwahahahaaa!  Never! Never!  

8-) Ahem!  Excuse me.

;-) -And then we had the gentleman who was playing poker with his buddies.  Usually his game was okay, sometimes poor, but tonight he was really cleaning up.  After the game was finished, his buddies were expressing their admiration, and asked him what his secret was.

"Oh, I signed up for a course at the Community College," he replied.

"You mean to say that the college is offering classes in poker?" asked his neighbor to his right.

"Oh, no, it was a course for improving one’s memory.  You see, by remembering which cards had been played during each round, I knew which cards remained in the deck for the next round.  This allowed me to better calculate the odds of drawing the cards I needed, as well as being better at second guessing which cards you guys were holding."

The guys were impressed. "Wow, that’s amazing!"  "Maybe I’ll try that too."  "What was the name of the course?"

Our hero pauses at this last question, and thinks.  Then he stares at the poker table, snapping his fingers in the air.  "It was...  It was... Oh, help me out here." He turns to his neighbor on the right. "What’s the name of that flower?   The one with the thorns on it?"

His puzzled neighbor replies "A rose?"

A smile brightens our hero’s face.  He nods, then turns toward the kitchen and calls out to his wife.  

"Rose?  What was the name of that memory course I took?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on May 07, 2003, 07:40:42 AM
;-) This next anecdote is true, if a little dated.  It came to me second-hand, from a lady who remembered it from her childhood.  Some of the references may need explaining for younger readers.

Back in the day, my friend’s school had put on a play.  The audience was mostly other students and parents.  One scene took place on a city bus.  A small platform on the stage represented the bus, with chairs for the seats.  One student was the driver, and two girls seated near the rear played the parts of women commuters.  Their dialogue was mostly small talk, to establish the tone of the scene.  “Your hair looks lovely today, but look at mine.  I’ve just washed my hair with vinegar ¹, and I can’t do a thing with it!”  That sort of stuff.

Next, the play called for another character to board the bus.  A short flight of steps was near the front of the platform for this purpose.  

The boy climbing the steps stumbled briefly, then recovered and continued.  He delivered his lines, then walked toward the back to take his seat.  One of the girls ad libbed: “Oh, my!  He seems a little clumsy today!”  The audience chuckled at the boy’s situation.

Without missing a beat, the boy ad libbed right back: “Yep!  I just washed my feet with vinegar, and I can’t do a thing with them!”

:-D He brought down the house.


;-) ¹ For the youngsters among Amigs.org’s readers: way back in the day, women would wash their hair with vinegar once every four to six weeks or so.  The acid would break up soap residue, or something.  Today’s hair products make this unnecessary.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 07, 2003, 01:17:20 PM
:lol:

Quote

:-D He brought down the house.


I'm sure he did :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 08, 2003, 12:12:52 AM
:lol:

Man, I've not heard any decent jokes in a while (I know that never stopped me before ;-) ), but I'll be sure to pass them on when I do..
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on May 08, 2003, 02:19:55 PM
Just got this:
-edit-
missed out the opening sentence...
--
Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and get somewhat
inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no
public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both
ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves.

After they had finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe
herself and then threw them away,  The other woman realising she was
wearing some very expensive knickers didn't want to throw hers away and so
looked around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a
nearby wreath.

So now, feeling better they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on
the phone.  One commented "I think we need to start keeping a closer eye
on our wives you know.  I reckon they're up to no good.  My wife came home
last night without any knickers on!"

The other one replied, "Tell me about it! If you think that's bad, my wife
came home home with a card stuck to her fanny that read "All the members
at the Country Fire Brigade will never forget you".
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 08, 2003, 03:03:21 PM
:lol:

That's a good one :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 08, 2003, 10:22:51 PM
Hi WIlse...

Keep em coming, that was an absolute cracker!

 :roflmao:

If only we had a :desperatelyclutchingsidesbeforerupture: emoticon!

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: N7VQM on May 12, 2003, 08:51:24 AM
heh! -BUMP-

I'm sure this isn't quite how this joke goes but, this is as well as I remember it.

In the US Marine Corps, there are 5 statements, that when uttered, one should look for cover:

1)  When the Private says, "I learned it in Boot Camp!"

2) When the Seargent says, "The Gunny told me to...."

3) When the Lieutenant says, "I learned it in college."

4) When the Major says, "Sir, I've been thinking..."

and

5) When  the Chief Warrent Officer says with a grin, "Hey!  Watch THIS sh*t!"


P.S.  A Warrent Officer is someone that, due to thier great deal of expierence, warrents being an officer but isn't for one reason or another.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 13, 2003, 10:10:27 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued, "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too", she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said... "I would have gotten out today."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 13, 2003, 10:14:04 PM
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 13, 2003, 10:17:13 PM
Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on May 13, 2003, 10:21:26 PM
Quote
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to sh*t out that cue ball, he measures everything first."


:lol:

Nice one.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 13, 2003, 11:58:11 PM
@jd1997uk,

Oi! Get yer own monkey in pub jokes :-P
Your'e nicking my a-list material ;-)

I didn't hear any new ones for ages, but as soon as I do... :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 14, 2003, 12:16:05 AM
:lol:

They're good ones! :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 14, 2003, 12:17:50 AM
Maybe this thread will grow longer than the original. There certianly are more contributers this time :-)

Keep em coming guys.. :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 14, 2003, 12:20:54 AM
There certainly are more contributors, but the jokes aren't coming as fast as before.  Still, most are at least laughable this time :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 14, 2003, 12:23:33 AM
Touche :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 14, 2003, 12:32:23 AM
Heres one I got in my email and nearly forgot about! :-) Finally something funny to put here!

Marol spent her wedding night in her family home. As was the tradition for many years in her Italian family, the bride's mother would be in the room next door just in case she needed the answer to any nervous questions.

    Mama's last word of advice before Marol went in to the bridal chamber to consumate her marriage was " Marol, you have-a any a problem you come and-a see Mama"

    So later when Marol unbuttoned her new husband's shirt, she turned pale, jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he has hair all over his chest!" Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "Men have-a hair on their chest. This is a sign of a good-a man, go now and-a make him happy."

    When Marol's husband started to unbutton her shirt, she went pale again,jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he is trying to undress me!" Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "He must-a undress you if he-a gonna make a real woman outta you. He is a good-a man Marol, go now and-a make him a happy.

    All went well until her husband took off his shoes. He was wearing a prosthectic foot, as he was missing half of his right foot because of a childhood accident. Marol, pale once again jumped up and ran to the door, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

    Her Mama got up and announced, " Stand a-back Marol this is a job for Mama!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 14, 2003, 12:36:56 AM
Quote
Karlos joked:
Finally something funny to put here!




Hmmmmm, could be a groaner here.

:-P

Quote
"Stand a-back Marol this is a job for Mama!"


:lol:

I take it back, that's a good 'un :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 14, 2003, 12:38:12 AM
Nah, Vince, I saved the groaner for that sugar thread...

-edit-



Hey, no sign of Venkman for a while. He had a few groaners...


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 14, 2003, 12:48:47 AM
ACtually, here's another. Now this is a groaner!

One night, three guys are at a bar talking and they all think their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy says he thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.

They all agree, and the second guy tells his story. He says he thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.

They all agree, and then the third guy says, "That's nothing! My wife is the worst! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe she's screwing a horse."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 14, 2003, 12:58:45 AM
Here's one for the century post...

Two french nuns were heading to New York.
While awaiting their landing, the elder nun explains some cultural differences.

"Over here in America, they have strange customs."

"Really? Like what?"

"Over here, they eat dogs."

Astounded, the other gasps, "DOGS! No way! Really?"

"Oui, they do. Served hot, in bread rolls."

"I suppoese we'll have to just get us some so that we can try to fit in."

Later that day, after landing, they visited Central Park, found a hot dog stand and ordered.

"Two dogs, please!" the nuns said.

Afterwards, they went to a park bench to eat their dogs.

When the younger nun unwrapped hers, she blushed.

She turned to the elder nun and reluctantly asked, "Er, um...which part did you get?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: smerf on May 14, 2003, 06:16:31 AM
Hi,

A American boy riding a bicycle up a mountain road was having a rough time on this very hot day when another American driving a Vette came up alongside and said "Hey I can't put that bike in my trunk but I think I can give you a lift up the mountain by using a rope I have in my trunk, I'll just tie the rope to the bumper and you tie the rope to your bike and I will pull you up the mountain. The boy said I like the idea but what happens if you get going to fast how do I get you to slow down?

The vette owner replied " I'm a coach for a football team and I have a whistle if I get going to fast just blow the whistle and I will slow down.

So they do this great plan.

Half way up the mountain a German in a porche pulls up by the side of the Vette and yells that machine of yours has no balls and takes off up the mountain, now the Vette owner gets really ticked off and starts to show the german American power by putting the pedal to the medal the Vette is half way up to it's top end at 220 mph pulls up side by side with the porche.

They both pass a California Highway patrolman. Now the CHP has to call in and says,
"Hey sarge you aren't going to believe this but I have a Vette and a porche doing 220 mph up this mountain and then I have a kid on a bike blowing a whistle trying to pass".

(Groan)

Smerf
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: smerf on May 14, 2003, 06:36:12 AM
Hi,

If you liked the last one you sure will like this one.

A policeman pulls over a little old lady for speeding.

The little old lady says but officier I was only doing 55 mph .

The policeman says

"But lady this is the Sears parking lot"

==========================================


An artist, an archatect and a nun all die and arrive at the pearly gates.

Micheal greets them and tells them I only have room left for one today, I am sorry but 2 will have to go down to hell and only one will get to go in to heaven.

Tell me why you think you would be better than the other two.

 The artist says I paint pretty pictures that would brighten up heaven for Gods eyes.

The Archatect says hmmmph I drew up blueprints that construction people used to build the most gorgeous buidings, this would definetly be useful in heaven to God.

Now the Nun who was holding a plastic soda bottle filled with water said not a word, she walks up in front of Micheal reaches up and whips off her dress pulls down her panties, squats down and sticks the plastic soda bottle filled with water up her ass and squeezes as hard as she could three times. Takes the soda bottle out of her ass and releases the most nauseases crap all over the place.

Micheal looks at the nun and say you may enter, now the artist and the archatect both yell foul, why did she win?

Micheal looks at the two and says gentlemen a royal flush beats a pair any day of the week.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 14, 2003, 06:56:09 AM
OK, here's a couple of mingers............

FRENCH VETERAN
Q: How can you recognize a French war veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday went by with the same result. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

And last and very least (I promise ;~)............................

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi Primary School and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.

US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did indeed possess weapons of math instruction.

I'll get my coat.............................

-john
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on May 14, 2003, 08:46:58 AM
jd997uk joked:
Quote
...weapons of math instruction.
:-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on May 14, 2003, 12:05:31 PM
UK Press cutting:
--
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for NorthWest Gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has  been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
--

 :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 14, 2003, 12:43:56 PM
Quote

Vincent knew he was asking for trouble when he wrote:
Still, most are at least laughable this time :-P


I take it back! ;-)

Quote
jd997uk joked
"What's God gonna do with a dead cat?"

-----

 Iraq did indeed possess weapons of math instruction.




The rest were :lol: though :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on May 14, 2003, 11:29:13 PM
;-) Another one for the grown-ups to explain to the youngsters.

Here we have the story of Roy Roger’s new cowboy boots.  It seems that one year, on his birthday, Mr. Rogers received a pair of handmade boots as a gift from a fan.  As Roy looked them over, he marveled at their craftsmanship and the materials selected for their construction.  He was almost afraid to try them on, for fear of being disillusioned if they didn’t fit.  As it happened, they fit better than any pair he had ever worn.  As he walked about his home with them, comparing them in his mind to other boots he’d worn over his career, he got nostalgic about the good old days.  Roy decided to pack a bedroll, some dinner, and his guitar, and to saddle up his horse and camp out in the desert, under the stars, just for old time’s sake.  After all, it was his birthday.

The setting sun finds Our hero finishing his dinner near his campfire, miles from the nearest civilization.  His horse is tethered nearby, and Roy strums his guitar as his sings a few tunes.  Then he settles in for the night.  As he snuggles into his bedroll, he notices his boots scintillating in the moonlight.  Fearing that they might attract a mountain lion, he clambers up to the top of a nearby rock to place them out of reach.  Then, he hops back down, and turns in for the night.

His sleep is interrupted by a fit of snarling and hissing.  Bolting upright, Roy is horrified to see a mountain lion atop the boulder, chewing and clawing away at his boots.  His horse has already pulled up his tether and run off.  Mr. Rogers sprints through the sagebrush, barefoot.  

Eventually, he finds the road, and catches a ride to the nearest truck stop.  There he telephones his family.  As he waits for his family to arrive, he sits at a table.  The other customers are feeling sorry for him, and buying his breakfast for him as he relates his tale.  When Roy has, a huge lumberjack across the room rises from his table, and leaves the building.

A couple of hours later, Rogers is still repeating his woes to customers who’d recently entered the restaurant.  The lumberjack returns, looking like Paul Bunyan.  Nearly seven feet tall and four abreast, he is a wall of flannel and denim, with a firey red beard and a double-bitted axe at his waist.  Slung across his shoulder is the body of a dead mountain lion.  The crowd falls silent, and makes way as the lumberjack strides toward Roy’s table.  He un-slings the lion from his shoulder, flops it onto the table in front of a stunned Mr. Rogers, and begins to sing.

In the deepest baritone, he sings out "Pardon me Roy, is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"


/me runs for cover from the grown-ups, and explains to the youngsters:

;-) There was a musical, back in the day, called "Hello, Dolly."  It starred Barbara Streisand in the title roll.  The opening scene involves a train arriving at the station.  In song, the leading man asks a shoeshine boy whether the train is the one he is expecting. "Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?"  Obviously, if you didn’t already know this, the punch line is lost on you.

/me runs for cover from the youngsters too, now.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on May 15, 2003, 07:54:17 PM
;-) One day, the office held a drawing, and our hero received the Grand Prize, a ticket to the Super Bowl.  He was thrilled to be at the game, until he learned that his seat was way up near the back row, way off in the corner.  He frowned at this, but then he remembered that his buddies back at the office would gladly trade places with him in a minute.  Our hero decides that any seat is better than no seat, and settles in to enjoy the game.

About ten minutes before kick-off, he notices an empty seat about ten rows from the front, near the fifty-yard line.  After a minute’s reflection, he decides to go for it.  He makes his way through the bleachers until he is standing next to the empty seat.  Two minutes remain before the game starts.  Our hero addresses the man seated next to the empty chair.  "Excuse me, sir.  Is this seat taken?"

"Hmm? Oh, no, go ahead and help yourself."

Our hero cannot help marveling at his good fortune.  "Wow, I can’t believe someone would have a seat as good as this and not use it.  What could he have been thinking?"

His new neighbor explains. "Well, actually, that seat is mine, too.  You see, my wife and I have watched the game together every year since we got married.  Except for this year, of course.  She’s passed on, now."

"Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.  Still, the fifty-yard line!  Couldn’t you have brought a friend or a relative?"

"Oh, no, no. They’re all at the funeral."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Tesral on May 15, 2003, 08:13:36 PM
Quote

A) Shoot the lawyer twice, just to make certian he's dead...


The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they are funny.

And no one else thinks they are jokes.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 15, 2003, 08:16:46 PM
@Tesral

Flippin' 'eck, thats going back a bit, innit? :-D

-edit-

PS : Cool avatar :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 15, 2003, 10:59:25 PM
Quote
"Oh, no, no. They're all at the funeral."


:roflmao:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Tesral on May 16, 2003, 06:17:34 PM
Quote

Quixote wrote:
In the deepest baritone, he sings out "Pardon me Roy, is the cat that chewed your new shoes?"


That was the longest build up the stinkest shaggy dog I have seen in a good long time.  I'm jelousy.

Oh and Chattanooga Choo-Choo dates from back in dyaba dyaba Eye eye.  A Glen Miller tune if I remember right.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Calen on May 16, 2003, 06:27:53 PM
cool thread.. anyways on with the bad jokes :-)
------

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.

The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."


grrr arghgh
 :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Calen on May 16, 2003, 06:38:38 PM
Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What is the german word for constipation?
A: Far from poopin

  :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: zudobug on May 16, 2003, 08:01:41 PM
I received the most god-awful joke I have heard in a very long time in my in-box today.  Was gonna post it here and share with you folks.  But alas, a quick search revealed it had already been posted (the coffin joke posted by Wilse.) Good thing I checked eh?

Anyway, keep up the good work lads. Maybe someone should make an email filter that checks if the content originated from here. There's a plugin I would install.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 10:35:26 PM
Hi all,

Here's a rude one for ye'

A young woman was living with her gran, who had no idea her favourite granddaughter had been a prostitute for several years.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the woman's gran came by and saw her.

''Why are you standing in line, dear?''.

Unable to let her gran know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

''Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself,''

The old dear stood in line next to her granddaughter.

A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

Eventually he got to Gran, who smiled warmly in anticipation of her free fruit.

''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''

''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!''

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 10:46:23 PM
Some blondist humour here too...

Beware this one is a real groaner!

A blonde went to eletronics specialists to pick out a new TV set. After looking at several she picks out one she likes and beckons a nearby store assistant.

"Excuse me, how is much is this TV set?"
 
The assistant gestures towards a sign showing a crossed red circle over a blond wig.

"I'm sorry madam. We don't sell to blondes."

Rightfully angered at the bizzare prejudice the woman stormed out. Unfortunately she failed to find the same model anywhere else, so decided to get sneaky and got some wash out hair colouring...

She returned the next day as a brunette and enquired again.

"I'm sorry madam. We don't sell to blondes."

Surprised and angered, she stormed out again. The next day, she returned as a red head...

"I'm sorry madam. We don''t sell to blondes."

That was it. She'd had enough.

"I came here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde? Why the hell can't I buy this TV set?"
 
"I'm sorry madam. It's a microwave."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 10:51:00 PM
A stark warning arrived in my email today that I thought I'd better share with you all...

"Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called 'beer' that is essentially in liquid form.

The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. 'Beer' is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that this 'beer' is available virtually anywhere! All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in numbers..."

Hmm...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 10:54:02 PM
This 'uns a bit of a groaner too...

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist turned to the employee.

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

Smiling, the guy leaned over the counter towards them...

"Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg"

:-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 10:55:57 PM
Anybody remember a cartoon character by the name of Pepe le Pew?

Q) What happened to the blind skunk?

A) He fell in love with a fart...


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 11:00:24 PM
Vets in (mal)practice...



A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.  The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

"I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£450."

Shocked, the man exlaims, "£450 to tell me my dog is dead?"

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £400 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 11:06:15 PM


After his annual checkup, Bob is shocked to learn that he has somehow contracted a rare disease and has only twelve hours to live. Arriving home in utter despair, he tells his wife the terrible news and begins to cry. Overcome with grief, Helen hugs him tight.

"Honey, I'm going to give you a night you'll never forget!"

They go to bed early and make passionate love with an ardor they haven't felt in years. When they're done, Bob turns to his wife.

"Honey, that was wonderful, the best we've ever had. Can we do it again?"

This time it's even more passionate. Later, as Helen is about to doze off, Bob gives her a playful nudge

"Honey, come on. How about one more time?"

Exhausted she rolls over to face him...

"That's easy for you to say, dear. You don't have to get up in the morning!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 17, 2003, 11:27:04 PM
Steve had a terrible accident at work. Luckily, the only permanent damage was that both of his ears were amputated. Permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
Later, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. Before long, he bought the company outright.
Soon, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very  interesting. However, Steve needed to know the man had the right eye for detail. At the end of the interview, Steve asked him the killer question...

"Do you notice anything about me?"

"Why yes I couldn't help but notice you have no ears."

Wrong answer. Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interviewee was a smart young woman,  even better than the first guy. Until the killer question...

"Well... I don't mean to be rude, but you have no ears."

Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The final interviewee was the best of all. He was a young guy fresh out of university.  He was smart.  He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same, clinching question.

"Do you notice anything about me?"

To his delight, the young man gave exactly the answer he was looking for.

"Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Delighted, Steve gave the guy the job there and then.
From that point the talk became informal.

"What an incredibly observant young man you are. Just what I need. If you don't mind me asking, how in the world did you know that was the answer?"

"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no bloody ears!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 18, 2003, 12:43:31 AM
@Karlos

Are you trying to make up for lost time here? ;-)

3 of them were :lol: this time though :-D

I don't know if I could handle another 5 groaners in such a short time again - that's a true sign of endurance :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 18, 2003, 03:35:45 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
@Karlos
Are you trying to make up for lost time here? ;-)


Sort of :-) I gathered a few and just decided to post them all so I could get back to work. Speaking of which its gone 3am and I'm still coding away on the amiga - its been on continuously for 36 hours now...

No wonder this room is warm :-)

Quote

3 of them were :lol: this time though :-D

I don't know if I could handle another 5 groaners in such a short time again - that's a true sign of endurance :-P


I suppose 3 outta 8 ain't too bad for me :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on May 21, 2003, 10:42:49 AM
I've heard this one before so it's probably been posted here already but here goes anyway:

--
A geezer sees a sign in front of a house in Luton: "Talking Dog forSale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden.
The bloke goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded loads of medals. Had a wife, a few puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The geezer is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The bloke says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a f*cking liar. He's never done any of that stuff"
--
Sorry.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Quixote on May 21, 2003, 09:39:38 PM
:roll: Dude!  That one fits here perfectly!

(http://amiga.org/images/subject/icon27.gif) I'm green with envy!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Venkman on May 21, 2003, 09:44:00 PM
wow, is this thing still going... I stll havn't heard any good jokes... that one of the reasons why I stopped posting... I had nothing new to contribute
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on May 23, 2003, 10:26:32 AM
From today's metro:

"Don't ever buy a dwarf with learning difficulties - it's not big and it's not clever!"
 :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 26, 2003, 01:00:16 PM
A priest is in the confessional booth, awaiting the next confession.  

He is suddenly struck with the urge to use the bathroom.

He peeres out the curtin, and sees a janitor. He motions for the janitor to come over.

"I need to go to the bathroom, can you watch the booth for a few minutes?"

"I know nothing about this father."

"It's easy, above the window is a list of all sins and the appropriate hail mary's."

"OK, but please hurry up!" A few minutes go by and a women enters the booth.

"Bless me father for I have sinned, for I have commited Oral Sex"

The janitor looks at the chart, and it says nothing of Oral Sex.

He looks out the curtain and sees an alter boy, and motions the alter boy to come over.

"What does the priest give for Oral Sex?"

The alter boy responds "Milk and Cookies, why do you ask?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 26, 2003, 01:16:55 PM
A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 26, 2003, 01:39:47 PM
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About two cans of hair spray

What do fish say when they his a concrete wall?
Dam.

What do Eskimos get for sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

Whats the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

WHAT GOES CLOP, CLOP, CLOP, BANG, BANG, CLOP, CLOP, CLOP?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 26, 2003, 01:46:14 PM
Those last ones were :lol:

Good to see at least someone here's still hearing good jokes.  I haven't heard any in a long time now :-(
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 26, 2003, 01:47:30 PM
@Karlos

You'll be proud of this one. Are you sitting comfortably? Good, now I'll begin.

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right ... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says...



(wait for it)


(it's coming)


(take a deep breath)






"He should have quit while he was a head!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: jd997uk on May 26, 2003, 01:58:16 PM
@Vincent

Thanks. It's difficult finding jokes tha meet the required, erm 'standard'  :-D

Anyhow, just for you, listed below are a compilation of Ladybird book titles that never were.

1. You Are Different And That's Bad.
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables.
3. Dad's New Wife Robert.
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
5. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
6. All Cats Go To Hell
7. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
8. Some Kittens Can Fly
9. That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
10. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
11. Strangers Have The Best Candy
12. You Were an Accident
13. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
14. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Microwave Games
15. The Man In The Moon Is Actually Satan
16. Your Nightmares Are Real
17. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
18. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
19. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Vincent on May 26, 2003, 02:06:08 PM
I think Karlos'll be proud - that is a total groaner :-D

The books are :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Wilse on May 26, 2003, 02:56:24 PM
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.  "Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said, "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,  Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring  war  on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation,  "there is myself, my  cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire hurling team from the pub. That makes sixteen!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you,  Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Jaysus!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day.
"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,  and four boys from O'Hanlon's Pub have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
"I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes.
My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day.
"Top o' the mornin',Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no fookin way we can feed two million prisoners." !
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Karlos on May 27, 2003, 12:06:13 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
I think Karlos'll be proud - that is a total groaner :-D
The books are :lol:


Heh, looks like the best thing I did for humour here was to leave it up to everybody else :-)

When I hear some new stuff, I'll pass it on...

@jd1997

You are the master now. There is nothing more I can 'teach' you :lol:

That was ancient, groansome and downright awful. Well done :-D

Keep em coming guys!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: T_Bone on May 27, 2003, 12:37:12 AM
"He should have quit while he was a head!"

OOOOooooowwowow!  :-(  :hammer:  :evil:  :-o  :flame:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner: The Return!
Post by: Venkman on May 27, 2003, 01:53:32 PM
hehehehehe... good stuff. :lol:

I really need to find some new material to post in here...
Title: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 27, 2003, 08:51:56 PM
Husband Shopping Centre.......

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dublin, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor you HAD to choose a man from that floor. If you went up a floor you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return...
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.
When they got to the first floor they saw a sign on the door that said "These men have good jobs and love kids". the women read the sign and said, "Well that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up??? So up they went...
On the second floor the sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking". Hmmmm..... said the ladies but I wonder what's further up???
So up they went again....
The third floor sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework". WOW!!!! went the women, very tempting BUT there's more further up let's go...
On the fourth floor the sign read "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework AND are amazing lovers".
"Oh mercy, mercy me!!!!"! went the women "Imagine what must be waiting further up...
So, up to the fifth floor they went....

When they got to the fifth floor, the sign on the door said
"This floor is empty and exists only to prove a point that women are f*cking impossible to please."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 27, 2003, 09:26:27 PM
Here's another i just received:

Think you engineering types might like this one...
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)
Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, and military jets, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from
a bow.
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
"Defrost the chicken."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 28, 2003, 03:22:16 PM
And another:
--
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

 
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 30, 2003, 12:21:51 PM
And another:
--
>Following a night out with a few friends, a man
>brought them back to show off his new flat. >
>After the grand tour, the visitors were rather
>perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in
>the lounge.
>What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
>Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
>How does it work?"
>I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an
>ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
>Suddenly, a voice from the other
>side of the wall screamed,
>"For F*cks sake, you bastard!
>it's twenty to two in the F*cking morning!!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on May 30, 2003, 12:42:47 PM
:lol:

Nice ones Wilse :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on May 30, 2003, 12:54:44 PM
:lol:

Kinda like this guy upstairs from me. Noisy bugger that he is...:-x
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 30, 2003, 01:17:23 PM
Ah, go on then, one more:
--
>Mick was in court for a double
>murder and the judge said,
>"You are charged with beating your wife to
>death with a spanner."
>A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
>"You bastard!"
>The judge continued, "You are also charged with
>beating your Mother-in-Law to death with a spanner."
>Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled
>out, "You f*cking bastard!!!"
>The judge stopped, looked at the man
>in the back of
>the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand
>your anger and frustration at this crime, but I
>will not have any more of these outbursts from you or
>I shall charge you with contempt!
>Now what is the problem?"
>Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and
>responded,
>"For fifteen years I lived next door to
>that bastard. And every time I asked to borrow a f*cking spanner, he said
>he didn't have one!"

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on May 30, 2003, 01:25:20 PM
Now that's a real groaner :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 30, 2003, 01:25:41 PM
And last but not least, my personal favourite for today:
--
>A man walks into a bar and asks for a pint.
>After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and
>asks for another pint.
>After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket
>again and asks for another pint.
>This happens about another seven times before the
>barman asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your
>pocket?"
>The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in
>there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on May 30, 2003, 01:57:26 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 04, 2003, 04:52:31 AM
;-) One day, the local church had finished installing the new bells in its tower.  Now the minister needed to hire someone to ring them every Sunday, so he advertised in all the nearby papers.  

The first applicant was hunchbacked dwarf from another town.  "Well sir," began the minister, "I appreciate your desire to serve the Lord, and the community, but I fail to see how you could ring the church bells with your birth defect."

"What, you mean my hunch?" puzzled the newcomer, "I never let that get in my way."

"Actually, my son," explained the minister, as delicately as he could, "I was thinking of the fact that you were born without any arms.  I mean, without arms, how will you approach the task at hand?  Er, so to speak."

The armless hunchback smiled.  "Don't worry, I'll be sure to put my best foot forward."  "Ahem.  It's okay, father, I get doubters all the time.  Let me show you."

At the hunchback's urging, the minister lead him to the top of the bell tower.  "You see," the hunchback explained, "instead of pulling on the ropes from below, I'll use this padded leather helmet to butt the bells with my forehead."  With that, he ran from bell to bell, ricocheting from each to the next.  There resulted a melody that was beautiful, yet haunting.  The leather padding produced a softer tone that was almost ethereal.  The minister was stunned.  From the window, he could see passers by stopping in their tracks, and gazing at the church tower in awe.

The minister smiled.  "My son, you play the bells admirably.  Your talent is just what this church needs to pack the congregation into the pews every Sunday.  You have the job."

And so their routine continued, week after week.  The hunchback's bell ringing brought the people in, and the minister's sermons held them riveted.  In time, word spread.

"Great news!" beamed the minister one day.  He held up a letter to the hunchback.  "The bishop has heard of your skill, and will visit this Sunday to attend the sermon.  Isn't that wonderful?"  The hunchback agreed.  "I will play my best for him, father."

That Sunday, while the bishop stood outside the church with the congregation, the hunchback began playing.  He ran from bell to bell, striking each with his forehead in turn.  He played a new melody, more stirring than any before.  So intent was he on impressing the bishop, he missed his footing and stumbled on a loose floorboard.  He hopped toward the window, pinwheeling his shoulders to regain his balance.  With no arms to catch the sides of the window, he stumbled through, and tumbled to the ground below.  There, his twisted and broken body lay sprawled before the stunned congregation.  

The bishop pushed the parishioners aside as he cleared a path to the hunchback.  "Oh, Lord!" he shouted to all.  "Who is this poor wretch who should meet such a fate on this otherwise fine day?"

One of the townsfolk answered. "I think I've seen him before, sir; I couldn't tell you his name, but his face rings a bell."


:-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 04, 2003, 04:54:53 AM
;-) The minister places an ad in the nearby papers for another bell ringer.  Even before the ad appears, there appears another armless hunchback at the door to the church.  "Father, if it pleases you, I would ask that I might be allowed to play your church's bells, to honor the memory of my brother.  I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but I'm sure that I could fill his shoes."

The minister is moved. "My son, I had no idea that your brother was a twin; he never told me.  At any rate, if you can play half as well as he, the job is yours."

The second hunchback throws himself into his work, so to speak.  If anything, his talent exceeds that of his departed brother.  The minister is satisfied.  "You have the job.  I'll see you next Sunday."

The new duo continues as before: the melody brings them in, the minister preaches the word.  And the word spreads.  In less than a month, the minister is holding up another letter.  "Great news, not only is the bishop returning this Sunday, the Pope will visit as well!"  The hunchback beams.  Finally, he has stepped out of his brother's shadow, and outdone his twin.

That Sunday, while the Bishop and the Pope chat with the congregation outside the church, the second hunchback begins a new melody of his own devising.  It is moving, but the tempo and rhythm are demanding.  As he plays, the hunchback's thoughts drift.  If only his brother were alive to hear him, he would be so proud.  Tears fill the hunchback's eyes as his grief over his brother's death overwhelms him.  Whether he missed his step by accident is uncertain, but just as his brother before him, the second hunchback tumbled through the air, striking the stone walkway below.  He lay dead before all.

The Pope scatters the parishioners aside like bowling pins as he rushes to the corpse.  The bishop follows in his wake, hurring to catch up.  "Oh, Lord!" the Pope calls out, "Who is this poor wretch who has met such a twisted end on this otherwise glorious Sunday morning?"  The bishop explains. "Your eminence, this will be difficult to believe, but the exact same thing happened here a month ago, and this man-" He gestures to the body, "This man is a dead ringer."



Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: T_Bone on June 04, 2003, 05:03:48 AM
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?" ask the owner

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
 cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." Replied the clerk.

"You idiot!" Yelled the owner" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

"Of course you can!" replied the clerk, "Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: T_Bone on June 04, 2003, 05:19:27 AM
Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax,"

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: meerschaum on June 04, 2003, 06:16:22 AM
LMFAO wilse... you got some good ones..
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 05, 2003, 12:14:48 AM
What does a Knight in armour do with a lance when he's lost his job?

He free-lances!

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on June 05, 2003, 10:28:55 AM
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
 
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on June 05, 2003, 11:41:15 AM
A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.  On his first day, he dialled the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a F*CKING cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialled the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No," replied the trainee.
" It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are F*CKING talking to, you idiot?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly.

"Thank F*CK for that!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on June 05, 2003, 12:01:52 PM
Blonde Disclaimer: Sorry girls, people keep sending me these.
--
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde.
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 08, 2003, 02:36:06 AM
;-) An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night, (and sometimes later,) she was always complaining about something.
 
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.  One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
 
Immediately, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.  All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet --caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
 
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.   When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a male mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
 
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.  So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with all the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with the men.
 
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
 
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
 
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
 
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 08, 2003, 02:09:03 PM
:lol:  That's a good one Quixote.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 08, 2003, 09:08:51 PM
Vincent volunteered:
Quote
What does a Knight in armour do with a lance when he's lost his job?

He free-lances!
(http://amiga.org/images/subject/icon27.gif) Ugh!

;-) Actually, I did do that for a while, though I'm working again now.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 08, 2003, 11:38:27 PM
Quote

Quixote wrote:
(http://amiga.org/images/subject/icon27.gif) Ugh!

;-) Actually, I did do that for a while, though I'm working again now.


I thought it was really bad aswell :-P

Good to see you're not doing that full-time :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 08, 2003, 11:45:43 PM
Hi all,

A quick groaner I heard today - skip over if your blonde...

Q) What's blonde and has an IQ of 160?

A) A foursome!

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 08, 2003, 11:48:02 PM
I'm pretty sure someone posted something like this before, but here goes..

Two guys are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy turns to face him,

"That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

"Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

:-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 08, 2003, 11:54:18 PM
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came across some tracks...

"Those must be deer tracks!"

"No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"

"No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"

They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 09, 2003, 12:14:14 AM
Here's an old one :-)

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out,

"That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

"Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right. I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 09, 2003, 02:52:08 AM
Hmmm.

I'll get my coat ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Funeral on June 09, 2003, 09:46:36 AM
whats the Dif. between a 1974 cherry red Thunderbird and a sack of dead babys...







I dont have a 1974 cherry red Thinderbird in my Garage.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on June 09, 2003, 04:43:00 PM
@Funeral:

Ouch!

That one went right off the taste-o-meter!

But I iked it.  :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 10, 2003, 07:08:32 PM
:-? Did you hear about the two tankers that collided in the Atlantic?  One was carrying red paint, while the other carried purple paint.  The combined crews managed to swim to a nearby island, but they were marooned.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 10, 2003, 09:44:53 PM
omg, now that's a groaner.

Karlos, you've got some catching up to do to compete with Quixote now :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on June 10, 2003, 11:11:45 PM
Constipated mathematician:  Worked it out with a pencil.

 ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 10, 2003, 11:17:36 PM
(http://amiga.org/images/subject/icon27.gif)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: FluffyMcDeath on June 10, 2003, 11:20:37 PM
Quote

that_punk_guy wrote:
Constipated mathematician: ..


On a vaguely related matter:

Theives broke into the local police station last night and stole all of the toilet seats. Police say they have nothing to go on.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on June 10, 2003, 11:25:16 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 11, 2003, 01:22:48 AM
These are getting really bad now, worthy of the name Groaner once again.  All you can really do to these groaners tho is :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Billsey on June 14, 2003, 03:34:01 AM
(http://thebackpew.com/toon.jpg)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on June 14, 2003, 11:33:37 PM
:-? Without being able to recall the passage from the top of my head, the subtleties escape me.  It seems the author is paralleling "Farmer Gangs" with, say, biker gangs, in that they fight a lot.  Presumably the term "Farmer Gangs" was part of the parable.

Am I far off the mark, Billsey?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 15, 2003, 08:55:11 PM
Wow, is that tumbleweed?

Anybody hear that church bell tolling in the distance?

:-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 15, 2003, 09:23:11 PM
Meanwhile, in the Oval Office...

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now what are you asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?  

 
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: alx on June 15, 2003, 09:40:56 PM
:lol: :roflmao:  :lol:
@Karlos

Great joke - certainly not a groaner :-)

------------

But who says it's not entirely untrue? :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 15, 2003, 09:43:08 PM
It's got to be said, you can just picture the scene :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 15, 2003, 09:53:01 PM
:roflmao:

That's hilarious mate :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: jd997uk on June 23, 2003, 04:44:50 PM
IRB Rugby World Cup 2003

Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being motivated by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.

The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following displays:

A. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone can beat them now. Failing that they will see what the Americans are doing and join in.

B. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents heads.

C. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.

D. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

E. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the England team.

F. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

G. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called Saving No.8 Lyle'.

H. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.

I. The Italian team will arrive in red penis-substituting cars, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.

J. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

K. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).

L. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the half-way line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.

However the French may not attend the World Cup at all as it involves the deployment of Frenchmen for violent physical activity in another part of the world.

M. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.


-john
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: zudobug on June 25, 2003, 07:23:02 PM
Young Tommy McLaughlin

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, young Tommy McLaughlin?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"

"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Connor?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Kathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, please, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy McLaughlin, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.

You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.

His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: zudobug on June 25, 2003, 07:40:03 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,  she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and  jumps out the  window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get  dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home! "

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried.

"Do you always wear a condom when you run? "

"Nope.........just when it's raining.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on June 26, 2003, 12:14:35 AM
@zudo

The first was :lol:

But the second was :roflmao:

Brilliant :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on July 10, 2003, 05:27:58 PM
;-) Two hikers are walking through a clearing in the woods.  Just across the stream from them is a mountain lion, drinking.  The mountain lion looks up at them, sizing them up.  She licks her lips.  One hiker suggests that they should move away at a steady pace, towards the nearest tree.  The other stops, and digs in his pack for his running shoes.  

:-? The first is puzzled: "Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun a mountain lion with those!"  

;-) The second replies, "I don't have to outrun the mountain lion; I just have to outrun you."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on July 10, 2003, 11:05:42 PM
:lol:

Nice one :-D

Bet you had to go digging to find this thread ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on July 10, 2003, 11:56:12 PM
;-) It took a while, but it was worth the effort; classics should never die.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on July 11, 2003, 12:01:35 AM
Quote

Quixote wrote:
;-) It took a while, but it was worth the effort; classics should never die.


Looks like the classic will be aroud for a while yet!

PS If this works, it'll be my first post anywhere on the web from my A1. Fingers crossed.......  :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on July 11, 2003, 12:04:31 AM
Wilse wrote:
Quote
PS If this works, it'll be my first post anywhere on the web from my A1. Fingers crossed.......  :-D
:pint: Congratulations, sir!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on July 11, 2003, 12:13:12 AM
@Quixote:

Thank you.
I can now go and kick back with a beer or two before toddling off to bed, a happy man. :-)

Have a nice night, y'all.

Cheers, :pint:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on July 11, 2003, 12:36:47 AM
@Wilse

You lucky git, a Pegasos and an A1 :-o

Sod :-D

I'll grudginly give you a :pint: to celebrate the A1 anyway :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on July 11, 2003, 09:22:19 AM
@Vincent:

Quote
You lucky git, a Pegasos and an A1


Well, the peg is in France with Genesi ATM.
I can't wait to get it back and running though - I want to have a go at networking the pair of them.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Tiggrr_cub on July 13, 2003, 03:37:48 PM
When i read some of these ( or rather my husband made me read some of these !) I couldn't help but add to the ever growing list of groans, so here i go.

An Englishman, Irishman, and a Scotsman were running away from the mafia after seriously pi$$ing them off. As they were running  they come across a huge warehouse. The three of them run inside . The Englishman notices three hessian sacks on the floor next to a collection of full sacks.
" I know, "  he said, " Lets get into these sacks and hide they will never find us here."
So the three of them get into the sacks and  pull the tops closed and sit quietly.
Soon enough the maffia mob run into the warehouse. The leader looking around  says ( in a godfather voice)
" Boys kick these sacks, they have to be hiding in these."
The  mob stand around the first sack and kick it hard.
Trying to stiffle the pain he is in the Englishman as quietly as possible lets out  a " meow, meow."
"Ah ", said the leader, " this is nothing but a bagfull of abandoned kittens ," and proceded to move onto the next one where the scotsman was hiding.
Again he kicked the bag. The  Scotsman trying to hold back his pain, quietly let out  a  " bark bark".
" Ah," said the leader "it is nothing but a bag full of abandoned puppies." So they went to third sack.
The guy once again kicked the bag. And the irishman who couldn't think of any animal to mimic said in a rather unconvincing voice, " potato, patoto"


Its and old one i know but it still makes me giggle!    :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on July 13, 2003, 04:48:55 PM
I posted one very similar to this in one of the other Groaner threads (Groaner's Corner possibly).  It is a great joke.  When I told it to my other half years ago she couldn't stop laughing for about half an hour! :-D

I love these jokes :-)



It might be in here somewhere - this is where all the groans started :-D

Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM] (http://www.amiga.org/forums/showthread.php?t=1419)

There's a Groaner's Corner: The Return thread aswell, but I couldn't find that one.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 12:39:05 AM
Just when y'all thought you were safe...

Return of the groan :-D

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyser.

''I can't do that, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm p*ssed!''
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 12:45:35 AM
The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded,
"...and remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honour but that of the school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
 
A young lady immediately raised her hand,

"Please Miss, how do you get it last a whole hour?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 01:01:57 AM
Translations of common male sayings, as according to the missus, no doubt...

1) "I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

2) "It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

3) "Can I help with dinner?"
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

4) "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5) "It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."

6) "I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead again."

7) "We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

8) "Take a break, love, you're working too hard."
"Sit down for a bit, would you? I can't hear the footie over the bloody hoovering."

9) "That's interesting, dear."
"Eh? Are you still talking?"

10) "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
"Yes, I forgot our anniversary again."

11) "That's women's work."
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

12) "You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the registration plates of every car I've ever owned, but I still forgot your birthday."

13) "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"Yes, the rest of my arm is still in the garage, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

14) "I do help around the house."
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

15) "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."

16) "I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

17) "What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me doing?"

18) "I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I'm hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 5 days bollocking me."

19) "You look terrific."
"Oh, God! Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

20) "I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

21) "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"I'm lost.  I have no idea where we are, and no one will ever see us alive again."

22) "I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help, ta very much!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 01:08:31 AM
An old un, but still makes me laugh...

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and shouts, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got blind drunk in Singapore and shagged a parrot..."

"Yeah? So why you lookin at me for?!"

"I thought you might be my boy."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 01:20:06 AM
A bit rude :-)

A bloke walks into a pub and orders 6 double whiskys...

Landlord, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The bloke gives him a larconic smile between knocking back his drinks.
"Yeah. To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident."

"Bad luck mate. At least your ok though."

"It gets worse. When I got to work I was four hours late, so my boss sacked me, despite trying to explain the accident."

"Ouch! Yeah, that is pretty rum. Still you could have the git for unfair dismissal....That's something, eh?"

"I haven't finished. To top everything off I came home to find my wife screwing my best friend."

"Christ! What did you do?"

"I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again. Then I argued with my best friend, fell out and came here."

"Fair play there. So what did you say to your best friend?''

"Rover! Bad dog!!" :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on September 11, 2003, 01:43:44 AM
Q. What do you do when you see a spaceman??

 A. Well, you like..er, park in it man.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on September 11, 2003, 01:47:20 AM
Two Irishmen are walking past the job centre, when Paddy notices a new sign in the window.
 "Hey Mick,it says here they`re looking for treefellers"
  Mick says "Ah well, `tis a shame there`s only the two of us" :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 01:48:04 AM
:lol: - that last one especially :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on September 11, 2003, 02:04:51 AM
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are talking about their families,
Englishman: "I`ve got a boy, we called him George because he was born on St.George`s day"
Scotsman :"I`ve got a boy as well, called him Andrew cos he was born on St.Andrew`s day"
Irishman:" I`ve got a boy called Pancake"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 02:05:31 AM
Thats a sniggerer :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on September 11, 2003, 09:07:26 AM
>Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert and are knocking at death's door.
>
>As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or such
>
>like, they suddenly spy a tree in the distance through the heat haze.
>
>As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
>
>"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
>
>"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
>
>So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of his Babylon, there's the crack of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
>
>His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
>
>Pepe.
>
>"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
>
>With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a
>
>Bacon Tree"
>
>"Ees a Ham Bush"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on September 11, 2003, 09:08:18 AM
James Bond's best line yet...

A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to
a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I
was  just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special
about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on September 11, 2003, 09:09:46 AM
A George W. Bush lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to a        
  dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than  
  usual."                                                                  
                                                                           
  He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,    
  so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?"    
                                                                           
  The officer replies, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his      
  motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set        
  himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went    
  to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qa'ida, or that  
  his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; the press      
  called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and    
  now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he    
  made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for    
  him."                                                                    
                                                                           
  The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"                        
                                                                           
  The officer replies, "About 14-1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are        
  still siphoning."                                                        
                                                             
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 11:49:06 AM
:roflmao: Thats no groaner!! :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 02:19:30 PM

Two hillbillies, Bubba and Billy-Ray, decided that they weren't getting anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

They attend an open day at a local college.
 
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take maths, history and logic.

"Ok, professor. Say, what's logic?"

"Ah, such things are better demonstrated. Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do,"

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard, in which you use it"

"Yeah I do. Damn, that's real good,"

"Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own or rent a house."

"Why, right again! That sure is amazin'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a wife."

"Mah sweet Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," concluded the professor.

"Damn right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard o'! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" Billy asks.

"Math, history and logic,"

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

:-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 11, 2003, 02:28:49 PM
Now, this is a groaner...

A guy finds a penguin loose in the streets and takes him to the police.
 
The desk sergent said, "We're really busy. Could you take that penguin to the zoo yurself?."

Next day the guy turns up at the police station again, penguin in tow..

Desk sergent, "What on earth are you still doing with that penguin?"

"What do want from me? I took him to the bloody zoo yesterday and he didn't like it, then the guy at the cinema wouldn't let him in..."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on September 11, 2003, 04:21:22 PM
At last! I need some groaners today... :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on September 11, 2003, 04:48:19 PM
Guy walks into a library, goes up to the desk:

"Two pints of lager please!"

Librarian:

"I'm sorry sir, this is a library."

Guy whispers:

"[color=9999CC]two pints of lager please."[/color]
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on September 11, 2003, 11:21:41 PM
Q.What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
A. Doug.

Q. What do you call a man without a spade in his head?
A. Douglas.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Cyberus on September 11, 2003, 11:50:10 PM
I missed one of them the first time round...the one about the talking clock, and that has really cheered me up...cheers guys!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: zudobug on September 11, 2003, 11:56:47 PM
Wilse,

Noel Edmonds has been reading out some terrible jokes on the radio. The one about the library reminded me of this "joke":

A man walks into a video shop and says
"fish and chips please."

"I'm sorry, this is a video store" say's the shop assistant

"Oh, in that case I'll have a Fish called Wanda"

... that's it... sorry.

here's a few more:

A toothless termite walks into a bar and says:
"Is the bar tender here?"

A penguin walks into a bar and asks
"has my brother been in?"

"I dunno," says the bartender, "what does he look like?"

A few more bad jokes on the bbc site here: Jestoration (http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio2/shows/walker/jestoration.shtml)

enjoy.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on September 12, 2003, 12:08:09 AM
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With you," he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber." :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 12, 2003, 12:12:32 AM
Now that's a groaner:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on September 12, 2003, 11:53:19 AM
Just got this, which is quite good:
--
> Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't  mttaer in
> waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the
> frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses
> and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed
> ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
--
How true...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 12, 2003, 11:58:38 AM
This doesnt surprise me that much, thinking about it.

For instance, try reading 'modern' arabic - it's very difficult to distinguish the individual letters once theyr'e in the word and most punctuation symbols are ommited. Yet people manage just fine :-)

Also explains why a lot of tpyos go unnoticed...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on September 12, 2003, 02:05:20 PM
;-) I notice them.  It is correct that most people read with the "whole word" method.  This is also how Chinese characters are read.  This ability comes naturally from reading for years and years.  Almost every word that you encounter is one you've read before, and recognize.  This also lets you make out which bus is approaching, even though it's too far away for you to make out the lettering if it said anything unfamiliar.

(http://amiga.org/images/subject/icon9.gif) Unfortunately, in our school system some optimists decided that children would get to this stage of reading ability sooner if the curriculum skipped the stage where children are taught to sound out the letters of the word.  This resulted in today's situation where children read familiar words quickly and unfamiliar words not at all.

:roll: Hardly an improvement.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Seehund on September 13, 2003, 02:10:17 AM
ACHTUNG! Don't cheat by trying to skip right to the end now! Not that you'll feel any sense of reward when you finally get there... ;)

Shamelessly stolen from a comment on /.:



Once upon a time, there was a king. His name was Günther. Now, King
Günther ruled over a large city and the surrounding countryside, and
he was a benevolent and sensible ruler. All the people loved him,
except the criminals. He was a great diplomat, and the rulers of the
neighboring kingdoms respected him as well.

King Günther had a beautiful wife named Eioloaieu. (Queen Eioloaieu
was foreign, and King Günther had met her during the crusades when he
was in the middle east. They never told anyone where she was
originally from, so I don't know. Anyway, she was not European, so
that explains the name.) King Günther and Queen Eioloaieu had been
married some years previous while Günther was still only a Prince,
and they were still madly in love. They had six sons (Günther II,
Wilhelm, Heinrich, Robert, Gregorius, and Friedrich) and six daughters
(Eioloaieu II, Mieaurreaiellieuabelle, Iienieuve, Euoneilida,
Poeillienna, and Auienietea). (He named the sons, and she named the
daughters, if that wasn't obvious.)

Now, each of their children had made a name for something in the
kingdom.

The eldest, Eioloaieu II, was the greatest seamstress in all the
land. She provided the dress uniforms for the king's court, among
other things. She had a team of over fifty skilled seamstresses and
tailors working under her supervision, but she always sewed the dress
uniforms for the king's court herself. Her work was prized far
abroad, and a simple scarf that she had made would sometimes sell
for a year's wages in neighboring kingdoms.

The eldest son, Günther II, was the Captain of the King's
Guard. He commanded seven staunch guardsmen (besides himself, for
a total of eight) who were famous throughout the land for their
alertness, prowess, loyalty, and valor. Their job was to guard the
King so that no assassin could harm him, and they were always careful
not to neglect that duty. Of the eight, only two of them slept at
any given time, and the other six were awake, so King Günther was
under constant guard.

The third-oldest child was Wilhelm, and Prince Wilhelm was a scholar
of great fame. Wilhelm had singlehandedly calculated the speed of
light in a vacuum in furlongs per fortnight with eleven significant
digits of accuracy before most scientists were even aware that light
had a finite speed. (We would still be using his figure today except
for the fact that it proved too difficult to convert velocity in
furlongs/fortnight into modern units, and it was simpler to do the
calculation over again in SI.) Prince Wilhelm had also translated
the entire works of Aristotle and Homer into Sanskrit, but this was
lost due to an unfortunate library fire. In any event, Wilhelm was
the cheif of King Günther's advisors, and he headed a board of seven
great wise men for this purpose (eight counting himself). Between
the eight of them there was no problem so difficult that they could
not devise a solution, and no piece of minutia so trivial and obscure
that they were not aware of it.

Princess Mieaurreaiellieuabelle and Princess Iienieuve were twins.
From birth they were both tomboys to some extent or another, and they
had insisted on studying warfare with their brothers. As a result,
Princess Mieaurreaiellieuabelle was the greatest archer in all the
world, and Princess Iienieuve was the greatest weapons smith in all
history. You have heard stories of Robin Hood, and how he was the
greatest archer in Sherwood and perhaps England, but had he met
Mieaurreaiellieuabelle he would have met his match, for she was the
greatest archer in all the world. She always carried her unique
compound bow. Prince Wilhelm and his scholars had designed it so
that it would propell an arrow further, faster, and straighter than
any other bow even to this day, and Princess Iienieuve had built it
for her, and had done such an excellent job that it exceeded even
Wilhelm's specifications. Princess Mieaurreaiellieuabelle had
practiced so much with this bow that she could fire an arrow from her
window in the castle with a cheesecloth bag attached containing a
special powder (that Prince Wilhelm's royal alchemist Trent prepared)
into a cloud and cause it to begin to rain. She could also shoot a
mosquito out of the air from five hundred yards distant. Princess
Iienieuve built weapons the like of which had never been seen before
in Europe nor have been since. Besides the bow she made for Princess
Mieaurreaiellieuabelle, Iienieuve had made all the swords and daggars
for Prince Günther II's guardsmen as well as all the armor, swords,
daggars, pikes, halberds, morningstars, bows, arrows, helmets,
greaves, and other accoutrements of war used by prince Friedrich's
army (which we shall come to in a moment). Every weapon she made was
of the finest materiels and workmanship, and she was known far and
abroad.

Prince Heinrich was the master of the king's stables. That may not
sound like a high position, but Heinrich made it a high position by the
extent to which he took his work. He bred horses for speed,
strength, intelligence, and compliance to training. His breed of
horses was the best in all the world. (The breed did not survive to
this day because a later, less sensible king sold them all off to
various horse breeders who bred them in with other stock, which
improved the other breeds but did not preserve the original breed.
Ah, well, the accidents of history.) He supplied all the war horses
for Prince Friedrich's army as well as all the riding horses for all
the land. His horses were so intelligent and so well trained that
they could actually understand words and sometimes sentences spoken
to them. Heinrich's own horse, Ed, was so well trained that he could
tell it something like "take this message to my father, then wait for
his reply and take it to my brother Friedrich, then come back to me"
and it would do exactly that. His horses were so strong that any one
of them could pull as much weight as a large bull elephant. And they
were so fast that they could outrun flying birds. Heinrich was no
amateur stable keeper.

Prince Robert was a Wizard of the Great Staff. The Wizards of the
Great Staff were an exclusive club of the world's greatest wizards,
seven in all, and Prince Robert was the only one from Europe. He
spent most of his time away from the kingdom, roaming about the
corners of the universe seeking strange learnings, but he kept in
contact with the kingdom by exchanging regular messages with Prince
Wilhelm by telepathy. Prince Robert was responsible for the
kingdom's wonderful weather. King Günther's kingdom was the only
land in all Europe where the rain fell only on the crops and the sun
made every day bright but never shone in anyone's eyes. And it
always snowed on Christmas day, every year.

Princess Euoneilida was a poetess, and she wrote the greatest poetry
ever written, and there has never been any better poetry before or
since. Her poetry inspired all the people of the land to excell at
whatever they might do. Her poetry was so intricate and finely
crafted that even Prince Wilhelm could not translate it into another
language than the original, because too much meaning would be lost in
the translation. She wrote poetry that made grown men weep just to
read it, and she wrote poetry that filled everyone with mirth even at
funerals. It is one of the seven greatest shames in the history of
the universe that her poetry was all lost in an unfortunate library
fire seventy-two years after her death.

Princess Poeillienna was the Chancelloress of the Exchequer, and she
kept the kingdom's finances in top shape. Poeillienna dutifully
collected every dime that was ever owed in the kingdom, not just
taxes and other public debts but private ones as well if they could
be proven. She kept the finances so carefully that King Günther's
land had the lowest taxrate in all Europe but yet could still afford
to supply the land with greater services and goods than any other
king could do. Günther's subjects lacked for nothing, and in large
part he had his daughter Poeillienna to thank.

Prince Gregorius was the Royal Chef, and cookery of all kinds was his
specialty. Every time King Günther held a great feast or a banquet
or some other great affair of state, his son Gregorius would produce a
tremendous repast for all concerned, and none ever left the table
unsatisfied. Naturally, Prince Gregorius and his team of chefs also
provided the day-to-day meals for the castle staff, and it was
considered one of the greatest benefits of working in King Günther's
castle. The food there was known far abroad as the best in the
world. In fact it was the second-best in all history, but only
Prince Wilhelm and his wise men knew of the unspeakable culinary
feats of the Great Kitchen of the Post Modern Neorecabites, the only
food ever to rival Prince Gregorius's work. They never mentioned it,
because they didn't want to belittle Prince Gregorius's work, which
really was altogether wonderful and amazing. Men were known to trade
a month's wages for a sample of the leftovers, and they were not
disappointed.

Prince Friedrich, as I have mentioned, was the General of the Armed
Forces. It was his job to keep and train all the armed forces of the
land. Although King Günther always managed to keep peace with the
neighboring kingdoms, He wanted his army kept in top shape just in
case he should ever need to use it -- and Prince Friedrich certainly
kept it that way for him. All the men looked up to Friedrich with
great respect. He knew everything there was to know about war, and a
little bit more. He knew everything about keeping men motivated, and
he was very good at it. His army was the most able force in all the
region, and had King Günther ever deemed it necessary to go to war he
most certainly would have won. Every neighboring king knew it, so
King Günther never had to go to war, and everyone knew he had Prince
Friedrich to thank. Prince Wilhelm liked to call him "Pax Friedrich"
in jest, but only he and the other wise men understood the joke.

Princess Auienietea was the youngest, but at sixteen years of age she
was already more responsible than most of the adults in the kingdom.
She was in charge of the maintenance of the castle, and it was the
best kept castle in all Europe, and possibly in all the world. She
had a team of the land's best building engineers working under her,
and she was constantly ordering improvements to the castle structure,
additional rooms to be built, higher watchtowers, and so forth. She
regularly commissioned tapestries from Princess Eioloaieu II's team
of seamstresses, and she decorated the castle with a panache unknown
at the time. With advise from Prince Wilhelm, she made use of light
colours, mirrors, well-placed windows, and other effects to keep the
castle rooms looking light, airy, well ventilated, and spacious,
without compromising the castle's structure in the least.

Everything in King Günther's castle (and in his whole kingdom,
actually) ran like clockwork. Everything and everyone had a place
and a purpose, and everyone and everything was well tended. Except,
unfortunately, for one thing King Günther overlooked. The moat, it
seems, was not really in anyone's jurisdiction. Princess Auienietea
kept the castle, but the moat was outside the castle and separate,
and in any event the marine world was outside her area of expertise.
The trouble is that it wasn't anyone else's area of expertise either.
No doubt Prince Wilhelm's team of scholars could have had many things
to say about the proper upkeep of a moat, but they were never
consulted about it, and it never occurred to them that the moat might
be falling into disrepair. The moat was just one of those things
people walked past (or, indeed, over) every day without paying any
attention to it. Prince Robert certainly could have kept the moat
clean by keeping it flushed with extra rain or by drying it with
extra sunshine, but he didn't think of it. Princess Euoneilida's
poetry certainly could have inspired the people to keep the moat
clean, but she never wrote any poetry about the moat; it was mundane,
and she never thought of it. Even Gregorius's kitchen staff never
fetched the water for the kitchens from the moat, because the
cisterns were never empty. (Prince Robert saw to that.) Everyone had
his own area of expertise, and no one seemed to notice that the moat
wasn't being taken care of by anyone. King Günther and Queen
Eioloaieu theoretically were in charge of everything, but they were
busy making treaties and trade agreements with other area rulers,
entertaining important visitors, overseeing everyone else's work, and
all the things kings and queens generally are busy doing. They never
noticed the moat, either.

So while the moat looked like any other moat on the surface, deep
underneath it was unkempt, and strange things began to grow down
there, unbeknownst to the inhabitants of the castle. This came to
everyone's attention very suddenly one day, when some farmers were
crossing the drawbridge into the castle, bringing food for the
castle's larders. Seven horrible yellow fingers rose from the moat,
reached over the drawbridge, took hold of the farmers, dragged them
down, drowned them in the moat, then disappeared into the murky
depths from whence they came. News of this spread quickly,
and suddenly everyone was afraid to cross the moat. King Günther
knew he couldn't let this go on for long, so he called over his son
Günther II and asked him to take the guardsmen and dispatch the
horrible yellow fingers.

"No problem," Prince Günther told his father, "my men will chop them
off at the knuckles." So Günther roused the two sleeping guardsmen,
and the eight of them set out to the drawbridge. Standing in a
careful formation so as to be able to protect one another, they
inched carefully out onto the drawbridge. At first the yellow
fingers did not appear, but when they reached the halfway point the
horrible fingers rose up. Prince Günther and his men made a valiant
effort to destroy the fingers, but they seemed to be unharmed by
their swords and daggars, and one by one they dragged the guardsmen
into the moat and drowned them. When King Günther heard this he was
very distraught, not only at the loss of his son, which would have
been bad enough itself, and his guard, who had been with him
constantly for years, but also because the yellow fingers were still
in the moat.

Then Princess Eioloaieu II approached her father. "The solution,"
she said, "is simple, but elegant. What we need is not to kill the
fingers, but to capture them. Allow my team of sewers to make the
strongest and finest net that has ever been made, and we will catch
the fingers up in the net and drag them out of the moat." This
seemed good to the king, and he ordered that it be done. Seven days
were spent on the sewing of the net, and it was indeed the strongest
and finest that had ever been made. As everyone in the castle
gathered to watch, Princess Eioloaieu II and her party of sewers all
took hold of the edge of the net and cast the net into the moat.
What happened next happened so fast that many who blinked missed it.
Something deep in the moat, on the other end of the net, apparently
gave a sharp tug, and all who were holding onto the net, including
the eldest princess, lost their ballance and fell forward into the
moat. As they struggled to get out, seven horrible yellow fingers
arose from the moat and began to grab each one and drown them in the
moat. Only seven escaped, and sadly the princess was not among them.
The king and queen were greatly distressed at the loss of their
eldest daughter, not to mention the continued threat in the moat.
But it was too late, and there was nothing to be done.

Having learned from Prince Wilhelm what was afoot (or, rather,
ahand), Prince Robert returned to the kingdom and conferred with his
father the king. "Have no fear", he said finally. "I'll take care
of this." Robert knelt at one end of the drawbridge and, reaching
into his cloak, pulled out a fine powder, which he sprinkled about.
Then, knealing at the other end of the bridge, Robert sprinkled the
powder there also. Then the wizardly prince swung his great staff
aloft, uttering an incantation in an unknown language, and lightning
struck both ends of the bridge at once, setting fire to the powder.
The moat boiled. The sky turned yellow. Prince Robert stepped out
onto the bridge, still chanting. As he neared the center of the
bridge, Robert's chant grew louder, and a sphere of blue power could
be seen encircling Robert. When the fingers appeared, they wrestled
with the sphere, and Robert continued walking. Unable to penetrate
the sphere and sieze Robert, the fingers satisfied themselves with
siezing the bridge, tearing it from its mountings, and dropping it
into the boiling moat, Robert and all. There was a stunned silence
as Robert sunk into the boiling moat. After a few moments the
boiling subsided, and while the fingers did not resurface, neither
did Robert. The sky faded from yellow to black, and night fell early
that day.

Princess Auienietea approached her father the next morning. "If I
may say so," she said, "it may be partly my fault that the yellow
fingers have come, since I did not hire anyone to keep the moat
clean. But I may have a solution. Why not have my building
engineers create a wider, stronger, safer drawbridge, with high rails
on the sides and a safety roof over the top, and surely then the
yellow fingers will be unable to harm us as we cross it." This
seemed good to King Günther, and he cheered up a little at the
prospect. Work began immediately, and seven days later Princess
Auienietea announced that her building engineers would install the
new bridge that afternoon. It was constructed of solid marble and
granite, and there were cast iron bars extending up from the sides of
the bridge to the iron mesh safety top. It was seven times as wide
as the previous bridge, so someone walking down the middle need not
even be visible from the moat at all. The new bridge was installed.
Everyone gathered to watch the ceremony of the first lowering of the
new bridge that would solve forever the problem of the yellow
fingers. Princess Auienietea stepped out to the center of the bridge
with golden scissors to cut the red ribbon and open the bridge for
use. As she reached the middle, seven horrible yellow fingers arose
from the moat. Passing straight through the stone and iron of the
bridge as if ghosts, they grabbed the princess. As onlookers
watched, horrified, the fingers squeezed the screaming Princess
Auienietea between the bars at the edge of the bridge, dragged her
down into the moat, drowned her there, and disappeared again.

King Günther and Queen Eioloaieu were very distraught, as were all
the people. Princess Auienietea was so young to die such an untimely
death! (Not to mention that the hopes of safely crossing with the
new drawbridge had been dashed...) It was decided that the army must
be called in to put the horrible yellow fingers to death for their
misdeeds. Now, Prince Friedrich and the army were not in the castle,
but were encamped a few leagues away at their usual training grounds.
So the king wrote a letter to Friedrich explaining the situation and
asking that he bring the army at once to deal with the aweful fingers
of death. Princess Mieaurreaiellieuabelle wrapped this note around a
blunt arrow and, standing on the battlements and looking through one
of Wilhelm's telescopes, shot the arrow into Friedrich's pocket.

Friedrich was always quick on the uptake, and noticing something in
his pocket he immediately withdrew the arrow, and recognising it as
one of his sister's he unwrapped the note and read it immediately.
Signalling his lead trumpeter, he called the army to attention,
cancelled the day's exercises, and announced the new assignment.
"The kingdom is counting on you", he concluded. The army arrived at
the far end of the drawbridge seven hours later.

Try as they might, however, there was little they could do about the
maniacal yellow fingers. Their weapons either whisked harmlessly
through the ghastly ghostly fingers or bounced harmlessly off. One
by one the fingers began to drown the warriors in the moat, and
seeing that the attack was not succeeding Friedrich ordered the army
to stop and hold back at the moat's edge. "We'll have to do
something more drastic", he thought. Yelling across the moat to the
onlookers in the castle, he cried "Fetch my father!" A page boy
immediately left, and seven minutes later returned with King Günther.
Friedrich yelled across again: "Father, we may have to drain the
moat".

Now, ordinarily draining the moat would be avoided, because it could
pose a security risk. (It had also never been attempted and was
suspected to be difficult.) But under the circumstances Günther
quickly realised that it wasn't half the security risk of the
fingers, so he yelled back "Go ahead," confident that however
difficult it might be his son could get it done. That was all
Friedrich needed. He dispatched messengers to the surrounding
villages to bring all the shovels that could be found. Within seven
hours every soldier was holding a shovel, and the digging had begun
in earnest. The army dug straight through the night and into the
next day, and finally they had finished a channel to a nearby gorge.
All that was needed was to connect it to the moat. Several brave men
stepped forward to finish the task. Before they could put a shovel
into the soil at the edge of the moat, however, the yellow fingers
reached up and grabbed them, drowning them in the moat.

Prince Friedrich was not about to let this stop him. He called for
his brother Wilhelm to come to the other end of the bridge, and once
again, each yelling across, he asked something from inside. This
time, he wanted to know how to make powerful explosives. Wilhelm, of
course, summoned his alchemist, and the formula was relayed. Army
messengers were again dispatched to nearby villages, this time coming
back with the necessary ingredients. The explosives were set into a
cart, which was set rolling down the newly dug channel toward the
moat. When it had nearly reached the moat, an archer shot a flaming
arrow into the cart and everyone ducked behind something. The blast
was very impressive, and soon water was flowing down the channel
toward the gorge and, more importantly, away from the moat.

The moat was very deep, and the channel had to be dug to deeper
levels several more times before the moat was drained. A fair
quantity of explosive had to be used, too, because much of the
digging had to go through solid rock. Finally, after four days, the
moat was dry. More importantly, there was no sign of any yellow
fingers. Satisfied, Prince Friedrich prompty marched across the
drawbridge.

Well, halfway across. Out of nowhere, seven yellow fingers
came up out of the very rock at the bottom of the moat,
siezed poor Friedrich, and dragged him down into the moat.
There was no water to drown him, but the fingers solved this
quandry by banging him against the rocks instead, and he was
soon quite dead. Then it disappeared into the rock from
which it had come. Once again the hopes of the kingdom were
broken, and King Günther and Queen Eioloaieu were nearly
inconsolable, as this was the fifth child they had lost to
the wretched fingers. Surely this much greif had never come
upon the kingdom before!

From amid the weeping crowd a figure stepped forward, and began to
usher the crowd aside. "I need room," he said. It was Prince Heinrich.
King Günther immediately tried to stop him. "Don't you think we've
had enough greif for one day?"

"Father," replied Heinrich, "with all due respect, everyone who has been
seized by this yellow blight has lingered upon the bridge. All have
either stood there or walked across slowly. If someone were to move
across with sufficient speed, the fingers would be too slow to catch
him.

His father thought about this for a moment. "Surely you wouldn't
risk your life to the notion that you can outrun the fingers?"

"No, not I. But I know who can outrun them." Then his father
realised that he was thinking of his horses. He elaborated: "I will
be riding on Ed, and if he cannot outrun the wicked fingers then
there is nothing left for the kingdom to do but to dispair." King
Günther really couldn't argue with this, and, somewhat apprehensive,
he allowed the prince to continue. Soon all the people had been
cleared from the path, making room for Ed to get a long running
start. Prince Heinrich began to talk to Ed, explaining that it was
important to run very fast today. Then, after a few warmup laps
around the castle interior, Heinrich nudged Ed to full speed and headed
toward the drawbridge. For his part, Ed ran faster than he had ever
run before, which was quite fast. According to today's measurements
he was probably moving something like a hundred miles per hour by the
time he reached the drawbridge. Surely the fingers could not catch
him moving that fast.

But they did. It happened so fast no one ever saw it, but Ed and
Heinrich never made it to the other side. King Günther and Queen
Eioloaieu were far beyond sorrow by this point, and they simply stood
there looking stunned. Finally the king decided that he had had
enough, and he decreed that no one should try to cross the bridge any
more.

Later that week funeral services were held for all those who had
perished at the hands (or fingers, actually) of the menace in the
moat. They were all decreed tragic heroes, and medals of valor were
awarded post-mortem. This did little to cheer anyone up, but it
seemed appropriate. Then the king and queen went into mourning and
asked not to be disturbed.

For several weeks no one bothered them, and no one had the audacity
to attempt crossing the moat by any means. Finally, however, food
supplies began to run low in the castle, and the people began to go
hungry. Even Prince Gregorius's skills were unable to stretch and
multiply the food into great meals, and the rations became monotonous
and feeble. Then the food supplies ran out entirely, since no food
could be brought in over the moat, and everyone went hungry, even the
king. Eventually he decided that something would need to be done
about this, but he had no idea what. So he called in his council of
advisors, headed by his oldest remaining son Wilhelm.

"How can we get food?" he asked his wise son.

His son thought for a moment and said, "Someone will have to bring it
from the farms -- across the moat." This seemed impeccably logical,
but the king began to dispair.

"But it cannot be done! I have no one left to send!"

"Have you no one left at all?" Wilhelm prompted.

"None but my page boy", the king sarcastically replied.

Wilhelm was silent for a moment, then looked straight into his
father's eyes and spoke softly: "Send him."

Well, naturally King Günther knew that he would only be sending his
page boy to his death, but he reasoned that the boy could just as
well die here in the castle of starvation if nothing were tried,
so against his own judgement he decided to follow the odd advise of
his son, and he asked his page boy to please cross the drawbridge and
bring food back from one of the nearby farms or villages. For no
particular reason he gave him a fair sum of money in case he should
get there, figuring that he had nothing better to do with the money,
since it was impossible to cross the bridge and spend it.

The boy left the king and, taking the money, headed for the bridge.
King Günther did not even watch the boy go, not wanting to see him
die. Thus, he was surprised several hours later when the boy
returned, pulling a large cart loaded with food. "How did you make
it across?" he asked incredulously.

"I just went," said the boy, "and the yellow fingers stayed in the
moat and didn't bother me!"

Pleased beyond all hope, King Günther promptly handed the boy a much
larger sum of money and instructed him by all means to have another
go at that technique. And soon the boy returned, with an even larger
cart of food, but he complained that he had a hard time pulling it
all, and asked if perhaps another page could be hired to assist him
if he were to repeat this on a regular basis. Naturally the king was
more than happy to grant this request.

But King Günther was mystified as to exactly why it was that the boy
had succeeded where all others had failed, and he called back in his
son Wilhelm who had first advised him to send the boy, and asked him
to explain. But Wilhelm would not answer his questions and would
only say, "Let your Pages do the Walking through the Yellow Fingers."


(Please don't hurt me!)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Cyberus on September 13, 2003, 02:38:08 AM
and ye think I'm gonna bother readin' all o' that...:-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Seehund on September 13, 2003, 02:55:28 AM
Quote

Cyberus wrote:
and ye think I'm gonna bother readin' all o' that...:-)


Groan, boy, GROAN! ;)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on September 13, 2003, 03:09:22 AM
That wasn't a groaner. That was a novella!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 13, 2003, 01:42:35 PM
Jeez, you could have stuck a punchline on the end of 'The Ancient Mariner' and it would have been shorter....
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: the_leander on September 13, 2003, 09:13:49 PM
Well, seeing as I have started visiting another Forum (for BeOS/Zeta) I thought that I'd bring a little insanity with me (only a little I heard someone in the back mutter???)

I'd like to think that Groaners will become the defacto name when people think about bad jokes :-)

Ahh well, on with the Groans :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on September 14, 2003, 05:36:26 PM
@Seehund:

:roll: My hat's off to you, sir; that was terrible.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on September 14, 2003, 06:09:11 PM
@Seehund
GROAN! :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on September 15, 2003, 12:21:43 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were merrily riding across the plains, when suddenly Tonto stopped and dismounted his horse. He got down on all fours, put one ear to the ground and signalled to the Lone Ranger to be quiet.
 After a couple of minutes, he stood up and said "Me think buffalo come".
 The Lone Ranger was stunned, he looked all around but could neither see or hear anything.
 "Tonto, that`s amazing..how do you know that?" he asked..
 Tonto replied "Me got sticky ear" ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on September 15, 2003, 12:06:03 PM
@Seehund:

That was the groaner to end all groaners. :pint:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 15, 2003, 12:11:12 PM
@Doobrey

Ick :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on September 15, 2003, 08:05:42 PM
So, there's a guy standing on a street corner and he sees a really ugly
woman standing next to a sign 'Stop here or follow the road to success'.

I'm not bl**dy stopping here he thinks, so walks along to the next street
corner where he sees a good looking lady next to the same sign 'Stop here
or follow the road to success'.

Getting better, he thinks - wonder what's a bit further along.

So off he strolls till he gets to the next corner where he sees a stunning
example of the female in all it's glory and he's thinking WOW. But, notices
the sign next to her 'Stop here or follow the road to success'.

Well he thinks, can't harm to just see what's on the next corner so off he
strolls, feeling ever so confident and drooling slightly.

As he walks along he notices the street become quieter and realises that
he's walking down a dead-end alley. As he gets to the end of it he looks
around but can't see anybody. Then he notices a smelly old drunk lying on
the ground with a sign next to him 'This is Cess. Suck here!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on September 15, 2003, 08:16:47 PM
Wilse wrote:
Quote
@Seehund:

That was the groaner to end all groaners. :pint:
;-) No, sir, there'll always be more.  To wit:

:-? Did I ever tell you guys that in Panama the cockroaches were so big that we used to ride them to school?

;-) And the mosquitoes!  One day, my brother and I returned home from the theater and there were two mosquitoes sitting in the armchairs.  One turned to the other and asked, "Well, should we eat them here, or take them home?"  

The other replied "Let's eat them here; if we take them home, the big kids will take them from us."

:roll: of course, we thought they were joking about there being bigger mosquitoes, until one of them landed at the airforce base the other day.  Those recruits on duty pumped about 300 pounds of fuel into him before they noticed that his markings were wrong...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on September 15, 2003, 11:35:20 PM
Two friends get off the ski lift on their first ever skiing holiday.
 Fred turns to Pete and says " It`s easy, you just push off and go zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag and you`re at the bottom"
 Pete looks confused, and says "I`m sure it`s the other way around..push off and go zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig"
 "No no no " says Fred "It`s zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag"
 Pete`s still not sure, "I could have sworn on TV they go zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig"

Just then, they spot another guy getting off the ski lift and decide to settle the arguement.
 Fred wonders over to the guy and asks " Me and my friend were wondering what`s the right way to go down this slope, is it zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag or zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig-zag-zig ?"
 The other guy scratches his head, stokes his chin and thinks for a while , then replies "I`ve got no idea, I don`t ski, I`m a tobogannist"
 Quick as a flash, Fred asks "In that case, can I have 20 Marlboro ?"

 :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on September 16, 2003, 02:20:51 AM
OMG, they're genuinely awful :lol:

Keep em coming!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on October 29, 2003, 05:01:18 PM
Apologies if this has been posted before, I hadn't heard it before so I couldn't resist sharing...



I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low-cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and tossed them down to me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are so happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."


The moral of this story?

Always keep your condoms in your car.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on October 29, 2003, 05:21:55 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: odin on October 29, 2003, 07:12:50 PM
:roflmao:
That was very funny punk_guy :-).
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Venkman on October 29, 2003, 07:36:02 PM
OMG, is the groaners corner still alive?!?!?  :-o
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on October 29, 2003, 07:57:18 PM
I bumped it back up from the depths ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on October 29, 2003, 10:26:35 PM
@tpg:

Nice one! :pint:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Cyberus on October 30, 2003, 12:29:38 AM
seen it before punky  :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on October 30, 2003, 12:46:39 AM
Quote

Cyberus wrote:
seen it before punky  :-P


:lol: Nerrr nerrr!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Cyberus on October 30, 2003, 12:48:02 AM
I know, I know......

But my ego wouldn't allow that one to pass ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on October 30, 2003, 12:52:09 PM
The luck of the Irish!!!!!!!!!!!

Vanilla pudding :

Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2. (ed - allegedly)

"Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to seem hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's
combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one Robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it
also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.. "


The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on October 30, 2003, 12:57:49 PM
Urgh! :-x

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Cyberus on October 30, 2003, 01:46:45 PM
agh Wilse, I'm aboot to have my lunch!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on October 30, 2003, 01:50:52 PM
Quote

Cyberus wrote:
agh Wilse, I'm aboot to have my lunch!


:lol: Uncanny! I received it via e-mail about an hour or so ago.
Here is my actual reply:
Quote
Aaaahhhh! Ack! Spit! Ah've no hud ma lunch yet!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on October 30, 2003, 02:44:35 PM
eeewwww :lol:

Dammit Wilse, I'm having my lunch! :-x

:-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on October 30, 2003, 02:52:41 PM
Is it something creamy?  :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on October 30, 2003, 02:53:09 PM
Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go. The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

*runs*
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on October 30, 2003, 04:17:14 PM
Quote

Wilse wrote:
Is it something creamy?  :-P


Part of it was: Dairylee Spread - "Now even creamier" :-x :-P

@that_punk_guy

*groan*

:-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on October 30, 2003, 09:49:46 PM
:lol:

Man, I'm glad to see this thread didn't vanish... I better keep my ears open for some new ones :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: alx on October 30, 2003, 09:56:55 PM
Quote
Man, I'm glad to see this thread didn't vanish


Wow - the other two are still around as well :-o

 Groaner's Corner: The Return! (http://www.amiga.org/forums/showthread.php?t=2021)

Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM] (http://www.amiga.org/forums/showthread.php?t=1419)

Someone needs to archive these before there's a forum prune :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on October 30, 2003, 10:43:08 PM
I'd forgotten about those!

I started the first one, called EMINEM because of the first joke.

Vincent suggested the name change, so I changed it! :-)

Cool that they're still about.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on October 30, 2003, 10:45:39 PM
Yeah, I was reading the original EMINEM one this afternoon. Some crackers in there :-)

Love the Lawyer-centric ones in The Return thread too.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on October 30, 2003, 11:10:52 PM
Someone should add a gag to each of the old ones - bump them up the
list a bit. ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on October 31, 2003, 12:33:03 AM
Yeah, unfortunately the original was locked since it got a bit lengthy. Although I have no idea what Red was talking about when he accused it of being off topic too, unless he meant the jokes were funny :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on October 31, 2003, 12:17:35 PM
*me is on his way back to archive those threads ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Venkman on November 01, 2003, 11:53:08 AM
hehe, some of the jokes in here aren't bad. Most of them live up to the groaners title very well, though

 :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on November 26, 2003, 04:53:08 PM
Q: Why are there no headaches at the zoo?
A: Parrots eat 'em all.

...


:-P

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on November 26, 2003, 05:09:07 PM
TPG - That is brutal.

Here's another:
--
Disturbing news about Michael Jackson yesterday............
 
In the police raid, class A drugs were found in his kitchen, Class B
drugs were found in his bathroom and class 2C were found in his
 bedroom........
--
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on November 26, 2003, 05:16:29 PM
Aww, dude that's just... (http://amiga.org/images/subject/icon27.gif)

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on November 27, 2003, 05:33:33 PM
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on November 27, 2003, 05:48:25 PM
Heard it before, but still :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on November 27, 2003, 05:58:53 PM
:lol:

Heard it before also, but its a classic :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on November 27, 2003, 07:50:36 PM
a bit crude maybe,
but rats "laugh" when thinking about sex,
according to scientific research
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on November 28, 2003, 09:15:33 AM
There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy.  One evening,
they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times
in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local
whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and
go to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil,
makes a " | " mark on the wall.  Then he falls asleep.  He wakes up in a
couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less
enthusiastically this time.  Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on
the wall.  Again, he falls asleep.  He wakes up again in a couple of hours
and lethargically humps the hooker again.  He drowsily marks another ``|''
on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he
did.  He takes one look at the wall and exclaims:

"A hundred and eleven?!  You beat me by three!"
Title: I've found Nemo!
Post by: whabang on November 28, 2003, 10:49:23 AM
(http://whacked.net/blog/archives/nemo.jpg)
:lol:
Title: Re: I've found Nemo!
Post by: Quixote on November 28, 2003, 06:50:09 PM
 :-o Noooooo!!!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on December 04, 2003, 11:00:48 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on December 04, 2003, 11:14:58 PM
:lol:

When are you going to post some more groaners, Karl?

 :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Venkman on December 04, 2003, 11:25:50 PM
Arrrgghhh!

Not another one of these!

 :-o
Title: Re: I've found Nemo!
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on December 04, 2003, 11:32:00 PM
Quote

whabang wrote:
(http://whacked.net/blog/archives/nemo.jpg)
:lol:


yuck, goldfish is full of fishbones
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on December 05, 2003, 01:01:02 AM
Quote

that_punk_guy wrote:
:lol:

When are you going to post some more groaners, Karl?

 :-)


When I hear some good 'uns, I shall post them...

-edit-

@Venkman..

This was the genuine sequel to the original dude ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 05, 2003, 11:23:03 AM
I was sent this list of 10 things to do at work. I don't find it funny in the normal way I'd find something funny. I found this funny purely because of how outrageous it would be if anyone actually did any of these things:
--
1. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath, even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.

2. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives the sympathy remarks, tell everyone you were joking and call them a bunch of wankers.

3. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. In the meeting, pretend you're hacking up a greenie, spit it into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say "BEAT THAT".

4. Inform a male colleague that he would make a great rent-boy, then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good shag up the arse.

5. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and one hand down the front of your trousers.

6. Answer every question with "F*cked if I know...", then abuse the person with a racial slur that doesn't even match their colour.

7. Brag about the fact that you carry a gun.

8. Run around the office with your d*ck out spraying p*ss everywhere and yelling "It wont stop! God help me it wont stop!" Then when it does, look down and go "Oh!"

9. Ask to borrow a colleague's expensive pen - take it to the toilet and stick it up your arse - return it to the person and tell them that it smells bad and tell them to smell it- when they say that it smells, say:
"It should do, I had it up my arse"

10. Have a poo on your office floor and, when someone comes in and sees it, tell them it's the fake rubber kind. When they try to pick it up and
realise it is real sh*t - laugh and embarrass them in front of everyone.

--

No, I didn't test any of the suggestions.....

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on December 05, 2003, 11:32:16 AM
GAAH! By the gods, that was funny!  :roflmao:
And yes, I'd be very pissed if anyone tried that on me... :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 11, 2003, 05:08:20 PM
Heard this on the tranny the other day. I'll dedicate it to Calen:

--

Two young Irish gentlemen, Pat and Mick (naturally :-D) are doing their Christmas shopping. Wandering through a large department store, Christmas music comes wafting across the air.
Pat says, "I recognise that record"
Mick says, "It's Nat King Cole."
Pat says, "Well who is it then?"

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on December 11, 2003, 05:30:05 PM
@ Wilse:

:roll: Ba-Doomp-boomp, tshing!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 11, 2003, 05:33:16 PM
Quote

Quixote wrote:
@ Wilse:

:roll: Ba-Doomp-boomp, tshing!


Indeed - worse than that, I told it to my Irish house mate and she didn't get it.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Quixote on December 11, 2003, 05:52:58 PM
;-) That's akin to not seeing the forest for the trees, then.  Poor dear.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Calen on December 11, 2003, 05:53:08 PM
Wilse:

You couldnt possibly top the "10 things to do at work" post, my sides still hurt from laughing so much at it, very good :-)


Quote
4. Inform a male colleague that he would make a great rent-boy, then piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good shag up the arse.

8. Run around the office with your d*ck out spraying p*ss everywhere and yelling "It wont stop! God help me it wont stop!" Then when it does, look down and go "Oh!"

 :lol:

Some of those wouldnt go a miss in an episode of The Office :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 11, 2003, 05:58:22 PM
Quote

Quixote wrote:
;-) That's akin to not seeing the forest for the trees, then.  Poor dear.


That's pretty much what I was thinking as I explained it to her. :lol:

And she still didn't think it was funny but then I find silly jokes like that funnier than most people. I saw Frank Carson on TV the other night and he told about 30 jokes like that in about 10 minutes. I was on the floor. My flat mate was in the room at the time and thought I'd gone mad.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 11, 2003, 05:59:15 PM
@Calen:

No. 8 was one of my favourites too.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on December 11, 2003, 06:37:50 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Cyberus on December 11, 2003, 11:52:29 PM
I still love that talking clock one!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on March 04, 2004, 11:33:54 PM
So, there's a director and his personal assistant in the office having a chat about an employee who recently handed in his notice.

Director: "I wonder what was going on with that young man. He just didn't seem happy."

PA: "Well, sir... I think he found it kind of hard to confide in you."

Director: "Well, he never said anything to me about it!"



...Groan! :insane:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on March 04, 2004, 11:58:05 PM
ahem

Sorry, but to me that was just a

tut *shakes head*

:-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on March 10, 2004, 02:07:40 AM
My god, is this thread still around? :-D

And here was I beginning to think I'd lost touch with the site...

Bugger - I forgot my groaner now ! :lol:

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on March 10, 2004, 02:16:41 AM
Quote

Wilse wrote:
I was sent this list of 10 things to do at work. I don't find it funny in the normal way I'd find something funny. I found this funny purely because of how outrageous it would be if anyone actually did any of these things:
No, I didn't test any of the suggestions.....
....


Blimey :-o This sounds not unlike the little lady's current boss!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on March 10, 2004, 12:49:32 PM
*** Warning - Bad Taste Alert ***

A mate called me the other day.

Mate:" I've had enough of my girlfriend and her constant nagging" he said.

PMC: "Why don't you just dump her mate?"

Mate: "I did better than that.  I've just murdered her."

PMC: "WTF!  You did what???"

Mate: "It's true.  I bludgeoned her round the back of the head with a spade and I've just buried her in the garden".

PMC: "You're having me on!"

Mate: "Tell you what, if you don't believe me then come round to my house and I'll show you".

Well, by this time I was half convinced he's actually done it so I drove round to his place, not knowing what I'd find.

I walked into his garden and noticed him flattening down a mound of earth with his spade.  I couldn't help but see that her backside was in full view, poking out of the mound.

PMC: "Why didn't you bury all of her, why is her arse still sticking out of the ground?"

Mate: "Well, I remembered that I needed somewhere to park my bike".

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: aardvark on March 13, 2004, 11:50:12 AM
Two guys were out hunting in a rural area, climbing over fences with their rifles.
One of the accidently shoots himself and is lying on the ground bleeding profusely.
Luckily the other guy has his cell phone with him and frantically dials 911 (emergency).
He is barely coherent, but tells the operator "My friend accidently shot himself and I think he might be dead."
Operator says "Calm down sir. First things first. Make absolutely sure he's dead."
 He says okay, then after about ten seconds the operator hears a BANG.
Man comes back on the cell phone and says "All right, now what?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 15, 2004, 06:35:36 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the  cab driver
won't stop staring at her in his mirror.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend
you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask  that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK"  the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."maybe we will see what we
can do.

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My
dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm
Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on December 15, 2004, 06:48:16 PM
:lol:

A secretary walks into my office

"Can I use your Dictaphone?" she asks

"No, use the handset like everyone else does".

Okay, I'll get my coat...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 15, 2004, 07:52:36 PM
An eight-year-old boy asked his father if he could have a bicycle for Christmas.
"Well, son," said the father, "I can't say there is any reason you need to have a bicycle."
"But Dad," said the kid, "if I have a bicycle I can ride to school and you won't have to drive me anymore."
"Ha!!" exclaimed the father, "you should be walking to school anyway. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk 5 miles to school every day"

To which the kid replied "Yes, Dad, but when he was your age, he was president"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 15, 2004, 08:03:15 PM
The husband and wife were in the bedroom, ready to retire for the night. The wife was gazing at her contours in the mirror.
"Honey," she said, "wouldn't you like it if I had bigger boobs?"
"Well, poodle-cakes," he said diplomatically, "I didn't marry you for your physical attributes, I married you because I love you"
The wife said "But what if I could have a boob job done for a reasonable price?"
"Oh," said the husband, "I wouldn't complain, but I must stress it isn't that much of a deal to me. How much is reasonable?"
"Eight thousand pounds," said the wife.
"Good lord," said the husband, "that is outrageously expensive. Anyway you can get bigger boobs for almost nothing. All you have to do is rub some toilet-paper between your breasts every morning and your breasts will soon get bigger."
"Don't be silly," said the wife, "that will never work."
"I reckon it will," said the husband, "after all it worked for your bum."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on December 15, 2004, 08:59:10 PM
Police arrested two kids the other day. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: T_Bone on December 15, 2004, 09:01:44 PM
Quote

Andy wrote:
Police arrested two kids the other day. One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.


Owwwwwww
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on December 15, 2004, 09:05:47 PM
@Andy

Well, what can I say? It's the right place for it :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on December 15, 2004, 09:40:11 PM
An Irish boy was asked by his parents what he wanted for his birthday.

"I wanna watch!" he said

So they let him.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: gizz72 on December 16, 2004, 03:00:14 AM
Greetings,

In a restaurant, how can you tell a virgin from a non-virgin? By their orders. Here's one example:

Virgin would order 'tea please.'
a Married Woman would order 'coke please.'
a Woman with kids would order 'beer please.'
a Slut would order 'ale please.'

Regards,

Gizz72
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on December 16, 2004, 03:23:45 AM
We waited 9 hole months for this thread to be resurrected and this is all we get!? :-P

Mind you, Andy and PMC's efforts are pretty awful - in the best possible way :-D

@X-Ray, hope you've had a good read of the groaners in this thread to fully understand why someone (Karlos?) suggested it should be in here ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 16, 2004, 08:22:26 AM
@ Vince

You mean I need to do better? I don't know if I can, because I'm a bit weird, you know.


Okay I'll give you a few 'groaners'

Q. What did the policeman say to his stomach?
A. "You're under a vest"

---------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you hear about the butcher who backed into a band-saw?
A. He got a little behind in his orders.

----------------------------------------------------------

A guy had an embarrassing problem: every time he farted it sounded like his arse was saying the word 'Honda'. This went on for months and despite seeing every proctologist around, he got no relief. Finally he saw an ad in the paper for an oriental doctor specializing in alternate treatments. The wisened man rubbed some herbs on the guy's chest and mumbled some kind of spell. After a while his eyes lit up and he declared that the ancient ones had told him what was wrong with the patient.
He grabbed a pair of pliers and suddenly yanked one of the guy's teeth out. There at the root of the tooth was a cavity.
The guy was taken completely by surprise and farted, but to his amazement it did not go Honda.
"You see," grinned the wise healer, "abscess make the fart go Honda"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on December 16, 2004, 01:49:43 PM
The first two are just plain bad, not even a groans worth :-P

The last one was a good *groan* tho :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on December 16, 2004, 02:17:02 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:

Mind you, Andy and PMC's efforts are pretty awful - in the best possible way :-D


Hey!  Mine are all quality gags...  

Actually, I quite like knob gags, but I can't get the g/f to wear one.

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on December 16, 2004, 02:27:36 PM
Quote

PMC wrote:

Actually, I quite like knob gags, but I can't get the g/f to wear one.



Prrrpppft! *snigger*
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on December 16, 2004, 05:47:14 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
Prrrpppft! *snigger*

:lol:

My thoughts exactly :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 16, 2004, 07:27:41 PM
A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he
wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next
farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would
sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great
rooster, named Ralph. He'll service every hen you
got, no worries mate."
Well, Ralph the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money,
but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys
Ralph.
The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the
barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk.
"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot
of hens to service here, and you cost me a lot of
money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So,
take your time and have some fun," the farmer said,
with a chuckle.
Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points
toward the hen house and Ralph takes off like a shot.
WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen house - three
or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck
pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese
down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the
geese. By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields
chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his
expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure
enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next
morning to find Ralph on his back out in the middle of
the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet
sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are
circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful
and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh,
Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get
you to slow down, now look what you've done to
yourself."
Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards
circling in the sky and says, "Shhhh! They're getting
closer."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 16, 2004, 07:32:25 PM
"I used to suffer from premature ejaculation. It was touch-and-go, but I'm okay now."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 16, 2004, 07:44:55 PM
Two cowboys, Rufus and Jesse were sitting in Big Ned's saloon, bragging about their exploits. After much argument and conjecture about who the best cowboy was, Rufus pointed to a very fine stallion outside the saloon.
"I bet you $20 I can make that horse laugh," he said.
"I'll take that wager," said Jesse, and he put the money on the bar.
Rufus got up, went outside and whispered something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse immediately peeled his lips back and shook his head from side to side, laughing uncontrollably. Rufus came back and took the $20 off the bar. Jesse was amazed.
"Now," said Rufus, "I'll bet you $40 that I can make that horse cry."
Jesse said he didn't reckon Rufus could do that, so he took him up on the bet. He put $40 on the bar.
Rufus went outside, untied the horse, took him around the corner for only a minute then brought him back. The horse was weeping like he was at a funeral and nobody could cheer him up. Rufus triumphantly took the $40 from the bar.
"Okay, " said Jesse, "how did you make the horse laugh?"
"I told him my manhood was bigger than his."
"And how did you make him cry?"
"I showed him."


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on December 16, 2004, 09:29:30 PM
@X-Ray:

I posted that rooster joke before but he was called Kenny.

:laughing:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on December 16, 2004, 09:58:13 PM
@ Wilse

he he

How did Kenny like that?
Also where is that joke, in another thread?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on December 17, 2004, 03:52:56 AM
That would be in the original "Groaner's Thread (used to be Eminem)" thread that's probably been deleted by now.  I think I have the whole thing saved on my hd or cd's somewhere.  If it's not on here let me know and I'll try to have a look over the weekend :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 14, 2005, 12:48:20 PM
A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."

The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.

His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.

The father replied, "That's my boy."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on January 14, 2005, 02:10:59 PM
:lol:

Slappers is a great insult :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on January 14, 2005, 02:28:00 PM
:laughing:
It's back! I hope this thread will never die! :-D

Anyway, for more friday-afternoon leveled humour, try http://demonripper.myftp.org/temp/Pingu.wmv
It's in Swedish, but it's hillarious! :lol:

Oh, if you have Swedish minors around, be aware that it contains some phrases that are not entirely politically correct. As long as the kids can't read you're safe.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 14, 2005, 04:51:17 PM
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts
just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on January 14, 2005, 05:20:49 PM
:lol:

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on January 14, 2005, 05:24:17 PM
(http://www.forum-inside.de/images/emoticons/lolaway.gif)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 14, 2005, 05:26:26 PM
A Mom is driving her little girl to a friend’s house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?”

“Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,” the mother warns. “It is not polite.”

“Ok,” the little girl says. “How much do you weigh?”

“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions, and really none of your business.”

Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”

“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend.

“Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card—it has everything on it.” Later that night, the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are. You are 32.”

The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”

“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

“How in heaven’s name did you find that out?”

“And,” the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce.”

“Oh really?” the mother asks. “And why’s that?”

“Because you got an F in sex.”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on January 14, 2005, 07:51:11 PM
Quote

Star69 wrote:

“Because you got an F in sex.”


Oh dear....
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on January 14, 2005, 08:37:41 PM
@Vincent:

Quote
If it's not on here let me know and I'll try to have a look over the weekend


I checked the search facility and, lo and behold, it LIVES!:
http://www.amiga.org/forums/showthread.php?t=1419

Yet despite scanning all 16 pages, Kenny the Rooster was nowhere to be seen.
He must be hiding somewhere else on the site. :-D

Terry Jones earlier letter to the Observer is on page three too.

And I have to admit to laughing at my own, unremembered rant about Shania Twain, on page four. :-)

I also noticed it was started before the war.
Reccommended reading for all newcomers, that thread. ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on January 15, 2005, 12:20:24 AM
@Wilse

My God. I cannot belive it still exists :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: graffias79 on January 15, 2005, 03:42:51 AM
Weird ones I've found:


Q.Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A.To get to the same side.

:lol:

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

:lol:

Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'

:lol:

Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on January 15, 2005, 02:05:03 PM
@Wilse

Excellent :-D

I'll still have to dig mine out just to make sure I have it before the next cleanup :-)

@graffias79

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on January 15, 2005, 02:51:09 PM
An elderly couple was sitting on a sofa, the woman knitting and the man smoking his pipe. All of a sudden the woman put down her knitting and slapped her husband so hard that his pipe went flying across the room.
"What was that for?" spluttered the man.
"That's for having such a small penis all these years," she said and carried on knitting.
The man relit his pipe and composed himself. After a minute or two he reached over and slapped his wife so that her jowels quivered and she dropped one of the knitting needles.
"What was that for?" she cried.
"That's for knowing the difference" he said.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: odin on January 15, 2005, 03:26:26 PM
Quote

whabang wrote:
Anyway, for more friday-afternoon leveled humour, try http://demonripper.myftp.org/temp/Pingu.wmv
It's in Swedish, but it's hillarious! :lol:

:roflmao: Brilliant :-D.

So Pingu is Swedish after all, it's true though, the Swedes really talk that silly :-P.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on January 15, 2005, 08:56:39 PM
;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 18, 2005, 09:22:32 PM
Q. Why do women rub their eyes in the morning.

A. Because they haven't got any bollocks to scratch.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 18, 2005, 09:30:47 PM
I went to the doctors today with our lass and the doctor put this small glass tube in her mouth and told her not to open it for 1 minute.

I offered him a tenner for it. :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 18, 2005, 09:37:27 PM
Now this must be a true groaner.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to  portray, as long as they were famous.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."

"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"  Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 18, 2005, 09:57:55 PM
Quote

Andy wrote:
"I'll be Bach."


ARGH!! :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on January 18, 2005, 10:03:18 PM
Quote

Andy wrote:
Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."


Dear oh dear :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 18, 2005, 10:20:33 PM
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd   expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: GadgetMaster on January 18, 2005, 10:28:36 PM
Well if its groaners you're a lookin' for....


1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
 
2. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
 
3. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
 
4. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached,the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly,he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink  and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."
 
5. A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for     something to eat.  He came across two men. One was sitting    under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows about readers digest, and writers cramp.

 
6. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

........Groan! :roll:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on January 18, 2005, 10:50:31 PM
What was Captain Hook called before he got his hook?

Why, Captain Hand, of course! :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 18, 2005, 10:56:27 PM
"Well, here is your problem." the doctor says to the first time father. "It seems that this child needs it's nappy changing." The new father then replies "but I swear, that package said it was good for 8-10 lbs."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on January 19, 2005, 03:27:49 AM
Did you hear about the Swedish guy who found God after rehab?

.....He was a Bjorn-again Christian.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on January 19, 2005, 03:29:38 AM
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."  :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: FluffyMcDeath on January 19, 2005, 07:15:54 AM
So this fellow goes to his stingy boss and says "Can I have the day off tomorrow?"
The boss says "What ever for?" and the fellow says "Cos my wife's having a baby."

"Oh. ... oh, well, ... that would be alright then." says the boss "but be in early the next day!!"

So he takes the day off, and comes in extra early the day after that. His boss comes up and says "So? What is it?" The fellow says "huh?". So the boss repeats "The baby, what is it? Boy or a girl?"

The fellow replies "I don't know. We have to wait 9 months now."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on January 19, 2005, 09:13:35 AM
Quote

Doobrey wrote:
Did you hear about the Swedish guy who found God after rehab?

.....He was a Bjorn-again Christian.

:roll:

You forgot the dots; it's Björn. And it's pronounced Bjuhn, not Bjorn.
Funny though, Björn means bear! :-)

Ok, I'll stop now...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on January 19, 2005, 09:26:37 AM
The other week I was out on the town and got chatting to this German girl.  She invites me back to her place for what she promised would be the greatest night of passion in my life.

I was somewhat confused when she handed me some springs to rest my hands and feet on and even more so when she asked me to start quacking.  

Anyway, she was right.  It was THE most incredible night of passion I've ever had in my life.  I had to ask her how she did it.

"Foursprung Duck Technique" was her answer...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on January 19, 2005, 01:37:02 PM
Quote

PMC wrote:
...her answer...

Oh.... dear..... :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 19, 2005, 01:41:41 PM
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on January 19, 2005, 01:46:07 PM
Star69

Didn't Andy just post that same joke ?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 19, 2005, 02:19:48 PM
D'oh, yeah, I just got it on email... whoops.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on January 19, 2005, 02:39:36 PM
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are duelling away, with lightsabres flashing accompanied by the sounds of heavy breathing and grunting.

"I know what you're getting for christmas son" said Vader

"Just how in hell can you know that?" replied Skywalker jr

"I felt your presents".
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on January 19, 2005, 03:07:40 PM
I can't believe I actually laughed at that!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on January 24, 2005, 12:14:35 AM
The difference between knowledge and wisdom:

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.

Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 26, 2005, 11:40:31 PM
Census taker: How many children do you have?
Woman: Four.
Census taker: May I have their names, please?
Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.
Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?
Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 26, 2005, 11:45:04 PM
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 AM?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on January 26, 2005, 11:54:31 PM
Aw dude. Those are truly dreadful



I still laughed though :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 27, 2005, 12:02:05 AM
@karlos  Cheers  :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 27, 2005, 01:03:10 AM
 Q.   What do you get if you drop a piano on an Army base?
 A.   A flat major.

 Q.   What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
 A.   A flat minor.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on January 27, 2005, 01:07:36 AM
    A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. All of a sudden, his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother; a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

    He asked his brother how his wife was. His brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But, the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed. Since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

    The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

    The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

    The brother replied, "Denephew."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 02, 2005, 05:57:00 PM
Subject: Husbands' Limitations?

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in over-all performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery application that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as FA Cup 5.0 and PGA 3.0. and now Conversation 1.5 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.  I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate






(And the reply...)

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears
6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoringloudly.wav files.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck,

Tech Support
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 02, 2005, 05:59:05 PM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 03, 2005, 03:00:56 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 03, 2005, 04:31:35 PM
I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.......

"Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!! I said a BUTT light!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: the_leander on February 03, 2005, 05:25:11 PM
LOL
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 03, 2005, 06:19:51 PM
:roflmao:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on February 03, 2005, 09:43:08 PM
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says

"I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 04, 2005, 06:49:49 AM
 :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 04, 2005, 10:00:11 AM
@PMC

I think we've been to the same website ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: PMC on February 04, 2005, 10:26:50 AM
Quote

Star69 wrote:
@PMC

I think we've been to the same website ;-)


[Ahem] Can't possibly think what website you mean... ;-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 04, 2005, 01:51:47 PM
A blonde phones 999 to report a fire in her house.

"How do they get there" the operator asked.

"Hello..." she replied.  "Big {bleep}ing red truck!"






*me runs
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: the_leander on February 05, 2005, 10:29:25 AM
A Pagan Goes to Hell

A Pagan dies, and to his great surprise finds himself standing before some pearly gates. The guy in charge looks him over before asking, "Can I help you?"

"Where am I?" asks the Pagan.

"Beg your pardon?" the other guy asks. "You're in Heaven, of course."

"B-but I don't believe..."

"Hmmm" (squinting his eyes) "are you one of them Pagan folk?" the gatekeeper asks, his mouth curling in mild distaste.

"Yes, I am... I believe I'm in the wrong place, which way is the Summerland?" our Pagan friend asks.

"It's been 'temporarily' shut down for repairs," the gatekeeper said with an ironic chuckle, "ever since we took over...err...I mean... since the people found their way to the true path."

"Whatever," says the Pagan, "What do I do now?"

"I'm sorry sir, but you must go to Hell. No Pagans allowed here."

"WHAT? Hell? But I don't believe in Hell!"

"Sorry, those are the rules, just follow the downward path to the left."

So our Pagan friend walks down to Hell, only to find the doors open. He warily goes in and looks around to see beautiful meadows, and animals happily roaming the surrounding woods. "Hmm, so far so good."

A voice behind him made him all but jump out of his skin. "Can I help you?"

"SHEESH! Give a guy a heart attack, why don't you?"

"Ahem... a little too late for that, isn't it?" the guy said with a smile.

"Who are you, anyway?" our friend asks.

"Why, I'm Satan," the other one said with a slight bow.

"Satan?!" said our friend as he started looking around nervously.

"At your service... you're the Pagan guy Pete called us about, right?"

"Pete... oh the guy in Heaven, yes..." he said, eyeing Satan carefully. "What's gonna happen to me now?"

"Well, you can hang out, there's some great fishing going on in the lake beyond these woods and, if you follow the road down this way, there's refreshments and a little market not too far and to your right. I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are just behind that hill..." Satan went on.

"Are you serious...?" he finally asked. Satan grinned at him innocently.

"Why shouldn't I be?" Sudden understanding filled Satan's eyes. "You don't believe the rumors, do you?"

Suddenly, in answer to our friend's growing fear, the vault of the skies opened with a thunderous groan. A soul, plummeting through the sky, screamed in terror, his screams drowned by the opening of a yawning chasm full of fire and brimstone. The stench of sulfur thickened the air. Thousands of howling, suffering, tortured voices echoed through Hell. When the screaming soul finally fell into the pit, the ground shut closed with a sickening thud that rattled the earth.

Our Pagan friend all but soiled his undies as he yelped in terror. "And what was THAT all about?"

Satan rolled his eyes, and made a dismissive gesture with his hand as he said with a distasteful grimace. "Oh, just ignore that..." He rolled his eyes again. "My Christian guests refuse to have it any other way!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 05, 2005, 12:58:44 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 05, 2005, 02:04:51 PM
There is a factory which makes the Tickle-Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor.

And they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to
keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday"......"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 05, 2005, 03:09:32 PM
*cough*
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 05, 2005, 03:11:47 PM
he he
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 05, 2005, 11:09:07 PM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
*cough*


:lol:

@the_leander

:roflmao:

Wouldn't that be hilarious?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 06, 2005, 09:33:08 AM
@ Vince

You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 06, 2005, 01:13:11 PM
Quote
X-ray wrote:
You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P

Where?  I didn't see a "high-quality knee-slapper" anywhere :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: GadgetMaster on February 06, 2005, 01:47:16 PM
Quote

X-ray wrote:
@ Vince

You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P


Soliciting anything more than a groan is against the spirit of this thread.:whack:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 06, 2005, 07:32:04 PM
Quote

X-ray wrote:
@ Vince

You mean all I get is a cough for an obviously excellent high-quality knee-slapper?  :-P


I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 06, 2005, 10:06:38 PM
Quote

Karlos wrote:
I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...

:roflmao:

I wish I'd thought of that :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 06, 2005, 10:14:50 PM
Did you know that if you say "mahnamahna" it has the same effect as coughing?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 06, 2005, 10:57:20 PM
I'll be singing that all night now :-P
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 07, 2005, 01:54:30 AM
Quote

Vincent wrote:
Quote

Karlos wrote:
I thought the cough was a sideways joke about the test tickles. Surely every bloke has had at least one medical exam around the onset of puberty where they were told to cough...

:roflmao:

I wish I'd thought of that :-D


:lol:, I assumed you already had...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: the_leander on February 07, 2005, 02:06:27 AM
@Karlos

--off topic--

Technically there is no such thing as Hellfire as given out by mainstream Christian churches, Hell, litterally translated means common grave of mankind, it is not nore outside of the original Church has it every been a place of firey torment... Just another lie purpotrated by the church to add more bums on seats, seems simply dying wasn't enough of a threat, and heaven not enough of something to look forward to to get people to switch, which reminds me. There are only a limited amount of places in Heaven, a few thousand or so, this was changed by the aposstle (SP?) paul to anyone good enough, again to add bums on seats....
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: T_Bone on February 07, 2005, 03:43:57 AM
Quote

the_leander wrote:
@Karlos

--off topic--

Technically there is no such thing as Hellfire as given out by mainstream Christian churches, Hell, litterally translated means common grave of mankind, it is not nore outside of the original Church has it every been a place of firey torment... Just another lie purpotrated by the church to add more bums on seats, seems simply dying wasn't enough of a threat, and heaven not enough of something to look forward to to get people to switch, which reminds me. There are only a limited amount of places in Heaven, a few thousand or so, this was changed by the aposstle (SP?) paul to anyone good enough, again to add bums on seats....


144,000

Plus all the jews get in. (Which means that there's a good chance that there will be time-sharing opportunities available for sale to the rest of us!) ;-)

edit- actually that may not be true, it may be 144,000 at the time of rapture, maybe not total. I donno. I'll settle for a timeshare anyway.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: the_leander on February 07, 2005, 04:02:23 AM
@T Bone

Nicely caught mate, dunno about the timeshare, I plan on either reincarnation or summerland ;-)

Right, back on topic, I give you the following:

You might be a techno pagan if....

You call your corners on a cellular phone.
You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard.
You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa.
You use a remote control in place of an athame.
You download your book of shadows.
You cast your circle in a chat room.
Your familiar is a mouse.
You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer.
Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation.
Your altar cloth is a mouse pad.
Your cauldron is a crock-pot.
Your cone of power has a surge suppressor.
Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same.
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del.
Your athame has a SCSI interface.
Your OBE's begin with a netsplit.
Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector.
You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98.
Your altar has a keyboard.
Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test).
You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be.
You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro.
You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun.
You invite the God and Goddess to come online.
You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups).
You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF.
You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming.
Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group.
Your candles have batteries.
Your deities include Murphy and Gates.
Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded).
Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight).
Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby.
Your incense is by Glade.
Your magic wand is a laser pointer.
Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++.
Your pentacle is made of computer chips.
Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run.
Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area.
Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number.
You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR).
You do cord magick with ethernet.
You ritually down your server for Samhain.
When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in.
Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks.
Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float).
Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over.
Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command.
Your search for truth involves regular expressions.
You draw down the moon using a light-pen.
Your tarot cards multi-task.
Your daemons collect news for you.
Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control.
You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone.
You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser.
Your favorite deity has a homepage.
The address of your covenstead begins with http://
Your circle is a token ring.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on February 07, 2005, 07:56:11 AM
Hel (With one 'L') was the norse God of death. Her realm, Niflheim, was sometimes also called Hel, and that's where the word Hell comes from! :-)

Hell was originally not a place of punishment; it was simply a kingdom of the dead!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on February 07, 2005, 07:58:17 AM
@ LEander

:roflmao:
New-Age in a nutshell! :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 07, 2005, 11:22:10 AM
A stranger was seated next to little Johnny on the
plane when the stranger turned to the boy and said,
"Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger." Little Johnny, who had just opened his
book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger,
"What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"
said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"  "Ok"
said little Johnny. "That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a
cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the
stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said little
Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss
nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 07, 2005, 05:54:36 PM
 :lol:

That one I just gotta use on the people at work...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 08, 2005, 02:27:03 PM
Making Love to a Woman

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.

You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.

Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 08, 2005, 03:06:55 PM
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Get in shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.  
Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil: leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake bodywash.
Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Tilex.
Get out off shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, panic because you have
no make-up on and cover any exposed flesh.


                   HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake kn*b at her making
woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire size of your kn*b and scratch your baws. Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.
Make farting noises, (real or not) and laugh at how loud
they are in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing baws and surrounding area. Wash your arse leaving those coarse hairs stuck on the soap.
Shampoo hair.
Make shampoo Mohawk.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry-off.
Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire kn*b size in mirror again.
Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake kn*b at her and make woo-hoo noise again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on February 09, 2005, 04:27:47 PM
I don't shower like either a man or a woman...  :-?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on February 09, 2005, 04:34:34 PM
Quote

that_punk_guy wrote:
I don't shower like either a man or a woman...  :-?
How do you shower then?

Well, I'll let you know how to shower like Speelgoedmannetje:
try to get to the shower, even by crawling on the ground
try to find the shower
if the shower water's flowing feel with yer hands if it's warm enough.
let the shower be pointed at your head and neck
when you've regained conciousness, wash away the film covering your eyes
then do the wash and scrub thing

oh yes, for being more clear: I shower every morning
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on February 09, 2005, 05:44:13 PM
Quote
Speelgoedmannetje wrote:
How do you shower then?


I don't!

I have a bath. ;-)

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 09, 2005, 08:35:49 PM
Five guys in an Audi Quattro arrived at a border checkpoint. The officer stops them and tells them:
"It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro."
"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the driver.
"Quattro means four" replies the officer.
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the driver retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies the officer "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds the officer, "he is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
 
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 09, 2005, 08:47:45 PM
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 09, 2005, 08:51:01 PM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 09, 2005, 08:54:11 PM
That was in the original groaners corner someplace ;-)

I remember posting it :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 09, 2005, 09:20:09 PM
Well, it's mine noooo, ye hear me big maan? I dinae wade through pages an' pages of jokes on mah other website tah hear ye whine aboot postin' it earlier. It's mine. Ah grrrrawner! I am it's daddy!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 09, 2005, 09:25:43 PM
I think that groaners' daddy died long before either of us were born :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on February 09, 2005, 09:28:04 PM
It's a good one. I can see why you would have posted it.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: graffias79 on February 10, 2005, 05:52:50 AM
A man went to get his driver's license renewed.  The line inched along for almost an hour until the man got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and he commented to the clerk,

"I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture"

The clerk looked at his picture closely.

"It's ok," he reassured the man.  "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 10, 2005, 10:56:22 AM
The following 50 points are probably the reasons why Gazza never fulfilled
>his full potential...even if you don't follow football this is worth a
>read!!
>
>1) One hour after playing for England, met 'showbiz pals' Danny Baker
>and Chris Evans in a Hampstead pub while still wearing his full kit...
>boots included.
>
>2) When asked for his nationality before an operation, told the nurse:
>"Church Of England."
>
>3) On a trip to London, jumped out of his car to demand"a go" on a
>workman's pneumatic drill. After getting the go-ahead, happily pounded
>the pavement to the amusement of shoppers.
>
>4) On first meeting with Lazio's president to discuss his big-money
>move to the Italian club, was quick to tell the esteemed gentleman that
>he reminded him of Russ Abbot.
>
>5) Organisers of Italia 90 TV coverage had the splendid idea of
augmenting
>team line-ups with footage of each player mouthing his own name.
>Gascoigne's
>genius led him to subvert the process by, instead, mouthing 'f***ing
>w***ker.'  Broadcasters across the world had to use it all the way
through
>the tournament.
>
>6) Booked a series of sun-bed sessions for then-Newcastle team-mate
>Tony Cunningham. Who, of course, is black.
>
>7) Asked by a Norwegian camera crew if he had a message for England's
>upcoming opponents, immediately responded with, "Yes. F**k off, Norway."
>Then ran off laughing.
>
>8) Turned up for England training the morning after then-manager Bobby
>Robson had called him "daft as a brush" with a floor brush sticking out
of
>his sock.
>
>9) When asked for a footballing comment while at Lazio, burped
>enthusiastically into a TV microphone. He was fined £39,000.
>
>10) Decided it would be a great idea to have massive hair extensions.
>Looked
>a fool and had them taken out a day later.
>
>11) After paying for ex-wife Sheryl's breasts implants, sent flowers to
>the hospital after the operation addressed to 'Dolly Parton.'
>
>12) Astounded commuters in London by jumping on a double-decker in
>London's Piccadilly Circus and asking if he could have a drive. The bus
>driver said yes, and the passengers thoroughly enjoyed Gazza's
>impromptu performance.
>
>13) Sent a rose to the Wimbledon dressing room for Vinnie Jones after
>the infamous ball-squeezing incident. Got a toilet brush in return.
>
>14) Set up best mate Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner with a 'girl' he knew
to
>be a transvestite.
>
>15) Has taken the p*** out of refs constantly during his career. On one
>occasion he sniffed a hapless ref's armpit while he was holding his
>hand high to signal a free kick.
>
>16) Undeterred by their frosty reactions, Gazza again tried to prove
>that refs have a sense of humour by yellow-carding the referee after
>the official had dropped his card during a Rangers v Hibs game. He was
>booked for his troubles.
>
>17) While attempting to deflect the 'kebab controversy' which spelled
>the beginning of the end of his England career, assured reporters that
>his doner-munching antics following Middlesbrough's promotion to the
>Premiership would in no way affect his fitness before France 98.
>One
>reporter asked: "What do you feel like now?" Back came the inevitable
>response:"I feel like a kebab with onions."
>
>18) As an apprentice desperate to impress then-Newcastle boss Jack
>Charlton, spent a week's money on fishing gear and begged the famous
>angler to give him a lesson. On arrival at the riverbank, Charlton
>promptly threw all
but
>the rod out into the briny, then poured a bottle of Newcastle Brown
>into the water, dipped in the rod and within seconds was pulling out a
>whopper.
>Lesson over.
>
>19) As 'perk' of boot-cleaning duties during his apprenticeship, took
>Kevin Keegan's Golas home to show his mates. But left them on the
>Newcastle Underground.
>
>20) When playing for England against Belgium in Italia 90, ridiculed
>Enzo Scifo as he lay on the ground clutching his leg. Gazza thought he
>was play-acting, so did a mime of his own which involved hopping on one
>leg with his tongue lolling out.
>
>21) His attempt to jet off to Libya with Middlesbrough for a
>post-season tour was hampered by the fact he'd left his passport at
>home. An
emotional
>Gazza wept at the check-in desk until a minion was despatched to bring
>it to the airport.
>
>22) Celebrated his new-found hero status after flying home from Italia
>90 by wearing a huge pair of fake plastic boobs and stomach bearing the
>legend 'Gazza.'
>
>23) On meeting the president of Denmark's FA, pretended he could speak
>Danish. When invited to demonstrate, imitated The Muppet Show's Swedish
>Chef.
>
>24) Conned Five Bellies into eating a mince pie after he'd scraped out
the
>filling and replaced it with cat excrement.
>
>25) Walked into the Middlesbrough canteen wearing nothing but his
training
>socks and ordered lunch.
>
>26) Paid £320 for a Mars Bar in a newsagents in his home town of
>Dunston, then told the shop owner to spend the change on sweets for
>local
kids.
>
>27) Whilst dining in the prestigious Bedford Arms Hotel in Woburn with
>a few of his Geordie mates, decided to place his erect member on the
>shoulder
of
>a
>diner at the next table. Thinking someone had tapped him on the
>shoulder the gentleman turned his head only to have Gazza's helmet prod
>him in the cheek.
>
>28) Took a documentary team to a beautiful Scottish cottage which he
>informed them was his new place, pretended he'd forgotten his key and
>knocked instead. When the door opened, told the befuddled housewife
inside
>that he was doing a telly advert and wanted to know if she preferred
>Daz or Omo.
>
>29) Crashed Middlesbrough's team bus at the club's training ground and
>caused £310,000 worth of damage.
>
>30) While at Rangers, urinated over sleeping team-mate Richard Gough.
>
>31) Handed £1000 over to Jimmy Five Bellies after betting that the
>burly boozer couldn't withstand a cigarette lighter's heat on the
>bridge of his nose for five seconds........Jimmy could. Twice.
>
>32) After briefly giving up drinking, was advised to find a new interest.
>Picked bingo.
>
>33) Bought a £1000 robot and programmed it to travel into Jimmy Five
>Bellies' room at Gazza Towers and announce: "Make a cup of tea, fat man."
>
>34) Was banned from Liverpool's Cream nightclub in advance within days
>of joining Everton last summer, because the Evertonians who run the
>place wanted him to avoid temptation and stay fit.
>
>35) Prepared for England matches during that hugely important
>tournament by playing marathon games of tennis in the scorching midday
>sun.
>
>36) Thought it would be appropriate to wear a blue fright wig before
>the
>1991 FA Cup Final.
>
>37) In his time, has agreed to dress as a Roman centurion, a clown,
Oliver
>Hardy and Braveheart for photo opportunities.
>
>38) While his Italia 90 team-mate was the hero of Hillsborough, marched
>into a Sheffield barber shop and demanded "a Waddle cut."
>
>39) When Gazza signed for Spurs in 1988, he came down to finalise the
deal
>with a bunch of his Geordie mates. They took over the posh hotel in
Hadley
>Wood where Spurs were footing the bill and wreaked havoc. Gazza met
>then-chairman Irving Scholar and began talks by saying, "We'd like to
>thank you for the best three days of our lives"
>
>40) Was asked to leave West Lodge Park Hotel in London after guests
>were treated to the sight of a naked Five Bellies swimming across the
>duck pond.
>
>41) On his first night in Rome after signing for Lazio, gave his minder
>the slip, put his shoes by an open window and hid in a cupboard. The
>minder thought he'd committed suicide.
>
>42) Recorded a video message for a corporate party and signed off with
>a cheery "Happy Christmas, you f***ing w***ers."
>
>43) Greeted reporters in Rome by standing up, asking for silence, then
>farting at ear-splitting volume.
>
>44) Told an interviewer that he was so superstitious about the number
>13 that he couldn't ever bear to see the numbers 4 and 9 together.
>Oddly,
the
>combination of 5 and 8 was deemed OK.
>
>45) Shredded England team-mate Dennis Wise's Armani suit "for a laugh."
>
>46) While staying at a Scottish hotel, drove across its golf course in
his
>four-wheel drive Jeep.
>
>47) While reputation preceded him in Italy, the English language did not.
>Hence, his Lazio debut was marked by a banner which read: 'Gazza's
Boys,We
>Are Here. Shake Your Women And Drink Your Beer.'
>
>48) Conversely, rival Italian supporters once hailed him with a banner
>which stated bluntly: 'Paul Gazza, You Are Fat Poofta.'
>
>49) After being sent off while playing for Lazio, shook hands with
>virtually every member of the Genoa side.
>
>50) While staying in a New Zealand hotel, was told there was no bacon
>for breakfast. Replied, "What, all the sheep in this country and
>there's no bloody bacon!"


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on February 10, 2005, 12:16:02 PM
@x-ray

You're getting there - the bar one is a groaner :-P

@graffias & star69

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on February 10, 2005, 10:05:00 PM
That Gazza stuff was posted here before.

Then again, this probably was too:

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As
soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I
think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think
about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence.
 
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy
and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 11, 2005, 12:38:58 PM
The winners of the M-LAW competition for wackiest
warning label of the year,
posted at New Scientist.com:

1st Prize
Do Not Use For Personal Hygiene
- on a toilet brush

2nd Prize
This Product Moves When Used
- on a child's scooter

Previous Winners have included:

* Remove Child Before Folding
- on a baby buggy

* Once Used Rectally, Thermometer Should Not Be Used Orally
- on a digital thermometer

* Never Remove Food Or Other Items From
The Blades While The Product Is Operating
- on an electric hand blender

* Harmful If Swallowed
- on a three-pronged brass fishing lure.

* Do Not Use This Product As A Toy, Pillow, Or Flotation Device
- on a bag of air used as a packing material

* Do Not Use As A Ladder
- on a 30cm tall CD rack

* Never Iron Clothes While They Are Being Worn
- on a household iron

* Do Not Use The 'Silence Feature'
In Emergency Situations. It Will Not Extinguish A Fire
- on a smoke detector

* Do Not Eat Toner
- on a laser printer cartridge

* And on a pair of cyclist's shin guards
- Shin Pads Cannot Protect Any Part Of The Body
They Do Not Cover
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 11, 2005, 03:34:45 PM
These are genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats. (allegedly)


My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his {bleep} wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on February 19, 2005, 10:22:51 PM
What do you call a blonde Skeleton in a cupboard?

The 1993 hide and seek champion.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on February 20, 2005, 12:26:27 AM
What have the government and MFI got in common?

One screw in one the wrong place and the whole cabinet's Fecked.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 20, 2005, 02:26:40 AM
Awww dude, that's fecking atrocious!

Well done :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 26, 2005, 05:29:50 PM
From a Canadian friend:

A pair of Newfies (Newfoundlanders, which I'm informed are none too bright) were sitting in their boat fishing, having an absolute windfall. For hours they were hauling in huge catches.

As the day drew to a close, one said to the other, "This place is unbelievable! We really need to find a way to mark this spot, eh?"

"Yeah."

With that, the second guy rummages around behind him and finds a piece of chalk. To the growing incredularity and exasperation of his friend, he proceeds to mark a large letter X on the bottom of the boat.

"There", he announced with some satisfaction, only to deflate slightly as he met the stare being levelled at him from his friend.

"What?"

"Your'e such a dumbass. Like as if that's going to work, eh?"

Still holding the chalk, the first guy stares back nonplussed.

"Do I have to explain everything? We're taking MY boat out tomorrow!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: that_punk_guy on February 26, 2005, 05:36:09 PM
I read that twice before I realised you weren't talking about a breed of dog. :/
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on February 26, 2005, 05:41:32 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on February 26, 2005, 09:36:16 PM
Warning this one is a bit rude got it from my mate Harry.

Q. How can you tell a mechanic has just had sex.
A. He has one clean finger.

Doh it wasn't my joke it was Harry's
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on February 26, 2005, 10:08:33 PM
Q. What do a Walrus and tupperware have in common.

A. They both like a tight Seal.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on February 26, 2005, 10:38:01 PM
A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on February 26, 2005, 10:39:47 PM
Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 28, 2005, 11:09:39 AM
For everyone who has to work with THE PUBLIC.......

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

RAC Motoring  Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: Doesn't the product give you a clue?

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"

Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland".

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: "I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".

Computer Capers
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
 
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".

This is a "true" story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer"


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on February 28, 2005, 04:27:20 PM
has recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR director during the welcoming briefing.
"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees".
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you. However, one of our Analysts has disappeared.
"Do any of you know what happened?" The cannibals all shook their heads NO.
After their boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Analyst?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals shouted, "You fool !!! For four weeks now we've been eating Managers and no one even noticed anyone was missing, but NOOOO, you Just had to go and eat someone important!

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on March 01, 2005, 10:41:12 PM
Prince Harry got so drunk at a party that his friend Haley had to take him home.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

Drunkenly Harry answered "aahm feeling seek Hale..."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on March 02, 2005, 12:56:41 PM
This one's fairly topical at the moment...

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who's Camilla Parker Bowles?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: graffias79 on March 02, 2005, 02:50:59 PM
"A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away. He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist. He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla. The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.

Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.

The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat. It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla. The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide. He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says...

Tag, you're it".
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: whabang on March 11, 2005, 09:39:50 AM
Little Jonny came into the kitchen, where his mother was preparing dinner.

- Mom! I want a new bike for my birthday!

Little Jonny hadn't really been a good boy that year, so his mother, who was a good christian, told him to go up to his room and write a letter to God, about why he deserved a new bike.

Letter #1:
Dear God,
I have been a good boy this year. Please give me a new bike. A red one.
// Jonny


Jonny knew this wasn't quite true, so he wrote a new letter.

Letter #2:
Dear God,
I have been a fairly good boy this year. Please give me a new bike. A red one.
// Jonny


Still, Jonny knew this wasn't quite true, and you can't lie to God, so he wrote a new letter.

Letter #3:
Dear God,
I have been a boy this year. Please give me a new bike. A red one.
// Jonny


Now Jonny hadn't lied, but he realised that this letter might not be good enough.
He went downstairs and told his mother he was going to the church.
When in the church, he grabbed a golden statue of Holy Mary, put it under his shirt, and ran home to write a new letter.

Letter #4:
I HAVE YOUR MOTHER. IF YOU WANT HER BACK, THEN GIVE ME THE #%@&ING BIKE!
// You know who
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on March 22, 2005, 11:21:34 PM
David Beckham is on tour in America and goes into a chemist and asks the pharmasist, " Can I have a packet of condoms please." the chemist replies, " Yep that will be $5 including tax."
"Tacks I thought you had to roll them on." replies David
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on March 23, 2005, 12:09:41 AM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on March 24, 2005, 07:57:34 AM
Ouch!! :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on March 26, 2005, 01:58:54 PM
Quote

Andy wrote:
"Tacks I thought you had to roll them on." replies David


*eyes watering*

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on March 29, 2005, 11:12:27 PM

Q. What`s yellow and buzzes ?

A. A daffodildo


Did you hear about the recent layoffs at the Moscow State Circus ?
 The human canonball got fired ...


I`ll get me coat...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on March 30, 2005, 12:06:08 AM
Quote

Doobrey wrote:

Q. What`s yellow and buzzes ?

A. A daffodildo


Did you hear about the recent layoffs at the Moscow State Circus ?
 The human canonball got fired ...


I`ll get me coat...
:whack:

:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on April 06, 2005, 08:54:52 AM
At the end of a  bar in downtown sits a huge chav.

He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Tink.

Leaning over towards him, he whispers, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this the massive ned leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the sh*t out of him, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar before leaving him bruised and battered in the carpark and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer to the big Gypsy.

"I've never seen you react like that," he says.
"Just what did he say to you?"

''I don't know," the big tinker replied.
"Something about a job.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on April 06, 2005, 05:15:32 PM
  :lol:  He probably of thought it would affect his dole money.  :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on April 06, 2005, 07:21:25 PM
@star69

:lol: I have to remember that one!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on April 07, 2005, 03:39:12 PM
A few thoughts...


There are two industries in the world that refer to customers as 'users'. One is the IT industry. The other is the illegal drugs industry.

 
If we use the Greek letter 'pi' to symbolise 3.141592... what do the Greeks use?

 
How can one person chop down a tree and then chop up the same tree?


The internet - where men are men, women are men and children are FBI agents.


You never can truly tell when you have run out of invisible ink.


A torch is a case for holding dead batteries.


There are 2 rules to being a success in life: 1. Never give out all the information.


Alarms don't 'go off'. If they did, then they would be pointless. Alarms 'go on'.


What if the Hokie-Cokie really IS what it's all about?


Why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let stupidity sort itself out?


The Trans-Siberian Railway has a large kink in it, for the following reason. When the Tsar decided it should be built, he drew a line across a map of Russia with a ruler and it had a nick in it.


Humans are descended from birds, not apes. Try whistling and notice how someone will always join in. This is a throwback to our days in the trees, trying to communicate through dense foliage. This fact also explains the wide variety of breakfast cereals available and our inbred fear of cats.


Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.


The only thing that keeps me from realising my full potential is the depressing awareness that it probably wouldn't take much time or effort...


Why is a delivery on a ship called a cargo and a delivery by car a shipment?


The shortest correspondence on record is between Victor Hugo and his publicist. Whilst on holiday, Victor wanted to know how his new novel was doing so he sent a postcode to the publicist saying "?" . The publicist sent a postcard back saying "!"


Anxious to 'include' as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.


When you point 1 finger at someone else, you're pointing 4 at yourself. Think about that when you want to blame someone.


Remember laughter's the best medicine, unless you're asthmatic, and then its ventolin.


Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, the reverse is true.


Only 60% of people in internet chat rooms actually laugh out loud when they type LOL. Significantly fewer roll on the floor laughing, approximately 12%, though its hard to measure as they generally fall out of view of the web cams used to gather the information. But, by far the most disturbing trend is the 5% to 6% of the Internet Chat Room Populace that have begun to laugh their asses off. ER rooms in America & A&E in Britain have reported a 4 fold increase in the amount of Internet Related Ass Prosthesis (IRAP). The problem is compounded by huge numbers of people falsely claiming to LMAO & causing a misdirection of essential ass saving resouces. So the next time you read a pithy comment on an internet chat room/bulletin board - THINK before you TYPE.


"I AM, therefore I think." Isn't that putting Descartes before the horse?


Computers allow us to make more mistakes at a faster rate than any other man-made thing, with the exception of handguns and tequila.


Cows are not toys.


A good pun is its own reword.


A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the average speed and health of the group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of wine eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


Contrary to popular belief, life has been pretty tough for Riley for the last few years


If you were to recite everything Jesus is recorded to have said, it would take less than two hours.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Star69 on April 14, 2005, 12:02:11 PM
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds
> one cold winter evening. They looked out of place
> amid the young families and young couples eating
> there that night. Some of the customers looked
> admiringly at them.
>
> You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
> "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
> together, probably for 60 years or more!"
> The little old man walked up to the cash register,
> placed his order with no hesitation and then paid
> for their meal.
>
> The couple took a table near the back wall and
> started taking food off of the tray. There was one
> hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
>
> The little old man! unwrapped the plain hamburger
> and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in
> front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the
> French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly
> placed one pile in front of his wife.
>
> He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a
> sip as the man began to eat his few bites. Again,
> you could tell what people around the old couple
> were thinking. "That poor old couple."
>
> As the old man began eating his French fires, a
> young man stood up and walked to the old couples'
> table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The
> old man replied that they were just fine. They were
> used to sharing everything.
>
> Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady
> still hadn't eaten a thing She just sat there
> watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped
> some of the drink. Again, the young man came over
> and begged them to let him buy them! another meal.
> This time, the lady explained that no, they were
> used to sharing. As the little old man finished
> eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin,
> the young man could stand it no longer and asked
> again.
>
> After being politely refused again, he finally asked
> the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you
> eating. You said that you share everything. What is
> it that you are waiting for?"
>

 


She answered, [This is great - scroll down!]
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"The teeth."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on April 14, 2005, 12:49:05 PM
:lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on April 14, 2005, 07:47:09 PM
David and Posh are in a taxi on the way to a swanky London club, but David can't remember where it is.  "You know the place," he says to the taxi driver. "It's just next to ... oh, what's the name of that train station?"
  "Euston?" says the taxi driver.
  "Nah," replies David, scratching his head.
  "Kings Cross?"
  "Nope," says David. "Keep going."
  "Victoria?"
  "That's it," says David clicking his fingers.  "Victoria, can you remember where the club is?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on April 16, 2005, 09:59:37 PM
Why did David Beckham burp in the middle of a football game?
 He thought the ref told him to take a freak hic.

Why did David Beakham wear a fish's outfit onto the pitch?
 He thought he was the team's kipper.

(groan,groan,groan)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on April 16, 2005, 10:24:12 PM
Caution : Very bad taste alert

The Beckhams call Michael Jackson to give him their support in his ongoing trial. Convinced of his innocence, they offer to take him on holiday with them on their new boat once the trial is over and he is aquitted. David asks him if he would like that or prefer something else.

Uplifted, for the first time in many weeks, Michael replies "That's so very kind of you David. That sound's wonderful. Yes, yes I'd be delighted to come on your little cruise..."

/runs away
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Andy on April 16, 2005, 10:28:21 PM
 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: on April 18, 2005, 11:15:21 AM
I believe you guys would love the new "Lizard's Lounge" over at Whyzzat.com.

http://www.whyzzat.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=10

I've decided that that's the appropriate place to open a forum  dedicated to jokes and humor.  Since it's a lot less "family oriented", you should be able to post more.

Wayne
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on April 18, 2005, 11:23:49 AM
@Wayne..



Excellent

Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Vincent on April 18, 2005, 01:15:50 PM
Quote
Excellent

Indeed
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on May 01, 2005, 07:55:38 PM
Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state.
Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee.

At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.
The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon.
'Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.

Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night."

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her arse that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on May 01, 2005, 08:08:34 PM
A woman brought her hamster to the vet to be examined. The vet placed the hamster on the examination table, examined it and finally told the woman that the motionless hamster was dead. The woman was very upset and asked for a second opinion.
The vet whistled once and a labrador appeared. He put his front paws up on the examination table and sniffed the hamster's backside. He looked at the vet and shook his head sadly. Not good.
The labrador left and a cat appeared. The cat jumped up onto the examination table and sniffed the hamster up and down, touching his whiskers on the hamster's fur. After a while the cat also shook his head sadly. The hamster was dead.
"I'm sorry, your hamster really is dead," said the vet, "and I must bill you £450."
"What!!" exclaimed the woman, "that's a lot of money, why so much?"
"Well," said the vet, "if you had accepted my original diagnosis it would have been only £30, but the lab report and the cat scan is expensive you know."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on May 01, 2005, 08:28:54 PM
Oh dear God... please make the bad man stop... :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Doobrey on May 01, 2005, 08:30:06 PM
Q. What colour are hiccups ??


A. Burple.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on May 01, 2005, 09:08:02 PM
@ Doobrey  :lol:

--------------------------------------------------------

A young boy was with his father, waiting to cross the road. The boy noticed two dogs crossing the road, one mounting the other. He asked his father what was going on there.
"Well, son," said the father, thinking quickly, "the dog at the back has sore paws and the dog in front has kindly offered to let him put his paws on her back while they cross the road."

"Hmmm," said the boy, "that just goes to show, you help somebody out and they screw you..."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Wilse on May 02, 2005, 02:23:14 PM
Historical Nuclear Accident Anniversary joke:

Q Why shouldn't you wear Y Fronts in Ukraine?
A Because Chernobyl Fallout...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: on May 02, 2005, 02:32:24 PM
I feel rather ignored in my requests to move this thread to Whyzzat.com.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on May 02, 2005, 02:40:36 PM
Surely there can be a dedicated cut 'n paster (from Whyzzat) who can copy groaners from here to there? I'm sure nobody here would mind (I certainly wouldn't).
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: on May 02, 2005, 03:41:31 PM
Think about that statement for a moment.  What logic would that make?  Please.  Take this thread there.  I can't possibly make it any more clear and unambiguous.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: X-ray on May 02, 2005, 05:46:52 PM
I guess my statement only makes sense if both sites are to continue enjoying these groaners. It seems to me that if the groaners are moved to Whyzzat, instead of being copied there, then AO members such as myself who do not intend to frequent Whyzzat might not be able to contribute/enjoy them anymore.
Title: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: CannonFodder on August 04, 2007, 10:55:24 PM
A man escapes from prison and breaks into someone’s house thinking he will find some food, money and maybe weapons. When he enters he sees a couple having sex. He ties the man to a chair and after that he ties the woman to the bed and kisses her on the neck. Then he goes into the toilet.

The husband says to her:
- Dear, this guy just escaped from jail, look at his clothes. Probably he spent a lot of time in jail and did not see a woman for a long time. I saw the way he kissed you. If he wants sex, don’t oppose, don’t scream, do everything he says. I beg of you, give him satisfaction, even if you hate him. I don’t want him to kill us both. Be strong, my love! I love you!

The woman replies to him:
- He did not kiss me, he whispered something at my ear. He told me that he is gay and that he thinks you are cute. After that he asked me if we have any Vaseline in the house and I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong, my love! I love you too!
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: whabang on August 05, 2007, 01:27:15 PM
I love you! :-)
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: KThunder on August 05, 2007, 08:41:44 PM
owwwww be strong ackk!!!

Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: CannonFodder on August 07, 2007, 09:34:30 PM
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied. :lol:
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: Cymric on August 09, 2007, 10:26:57 AM
3 suits and a woman are drinking heavily in a bar. One of the suits raises his glass and proclaims loudly: 'I'm a YUP. A Young Urban Professional. Yep, that's me.'

The others cheer, and get another drink. A second suit then says: 'I'm a DINK. Double Income, No Kids. We got it made!'

The others cheer again, and continue to tank. Then the third suit manages to exclaim: 'I'm a RUB. A Rich Urban Biker. Watch me biiiiiiike...'

Cheers all around. Then finally, as all are beginning to look worse for wear, one of the suits realises they're in the company of a female who doesn't look too happy. 'So', he manages, 'whatryou?'

The woman empties her glass, and then says: 'I'm a WIFE.'

'Wife?'

'Yeah, a WIFE. Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.'
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: CannonFodder on August 09, 2007, 10:50:34 AM
:roflmao:
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: Cymric on August 09, 2007, 01:19:59 PM
One more then.

There's this group of friends, all female, who are backpacking across a faraway country. Darkness is setting in, but they haven't been able to find a hotel yet. Suddenly they spot one in the distance, and hurry over. To their surprise, it is called 'WOMEN'S HOTEL'. They enter, ring the bell, and ask the clerk for a room.

The clerk explains that since this is The Women's Hotel, they can pick their room themselves; the hotel charges the same price for every room. Curious, our group asks if they can have a quick peek first. By all means, the clerk smiles at them. He points out the elevator and asks them to inform him of their decision in a little while.

So the ladies hustle into the elevator. Apparently the hotel has 5 stories and they begin with '1'. The lift doors close, ping, and open again. They are welcomed by a big sign.

ON THIS FLOOR, ALL MEN ARE SINGLE AND EAGER TO ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP. THEY ARE GENTLE, TRUSTWORTHY, LOVING AND ABSOLUTELY FAITHFUL TO THEIR PARTNER, BUT THEY DO NOT HAVE GOOD LOOKS AND THEIR VIRILITY LEAVES TO BE DESIRED, it tells them.

The women look out into the big hall, and see many geeky and nerdy types with thick glasses, crooked teeth and slender physiques waving happily at them. Naaaah, they think as one, and return to the elevator. They press '2', and are greeted with another sign.

ON THIS FLOOR, ALL MEN ARE SINGLE AND EAGER TO ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP. THEY HAVE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKS, DANCE LIKE A DREAM, ARE MASTERS BETWEEN THE SHEETS, BUT THEIR LONG-TERM FAITHFULNESS IS HIGHLY UNCERTAIN, it says.

The women ogle at the handsome womanisers waving them to come closer. Some of the group appear undecisive whether to stay here or not, but after some urgent whispering are persuaded back into the elevator. After all, there was definitely some improvement in going up a level---so they press '3'. Yes, another sign awaits them:

ON THIS FLOOR, ALL MEN ARE SINGLE AND EAGER TO ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP. THEY HAVE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKS, DANCE LIKE A DREAM, ARE MASTERS BETWEEN THE SHEETS, ARE TENDER, LOVING, ROMANTIC AND ABSOLUTELY FAITHFUL TO THEIR PARTNER, the sign informs them.

Squeals of excitement can be heard from the women. They stare longingly at the wonderfully decorated romantic hallway leading to a candle-lit restaurant where a number of gorgeous hunks want to make their acquaintance. Voices are raised that this floor should be theirs, but by now the ladies have caught on to the pattern, every floor sees a definite increase in partner quality. So they decide to go to the 4th floor, and...

ON THIS FLOOR, ALL MEN ARE SINGLE AND EAGER TO ENTER INTO A RELATIONSHIP. THEY HAVE DROP-DEAD GOOD LOOKS, DANCE LIKE A DREAM, AND ARE MASTERS BETWEEN THE SHEETS. THEY ARE TENDER, LOVING, ROMANTIC AND ABSOLUTELY FAITHFUL TO THEIR PARTNER. IN ADDITION, THEY EACH HAVE A BANK STATEMENT IN US DOLLARS WRITTEN WITH 10 DIGITS, the sign says.

The women nearly swoon at reading this. A few of the billionaires already approach them with interest, eager to strike up a conversation with the women guests. But despite the tremendous excitement over meeting such handsome romantic single RICH guys, there is just one question running throught their minds: What is on the 5th floor? Every floor saw definite improvement, so... They step into the elevator, press '5' with trembling fingers, and...

... step into a mess of building material, loose bits, tubing, dirt and grime. Not what they expected, given the luxury of the lower floors. Confused, they look at the sign:

THIS FLOOR WAS CREATED SOLELY FOR DEMONSTRATING THAT THERE IS JUST NO FREAKIN' WAY A WOMAN WILL BE IMMEDIATELY SATISFIED WITH WHAT SHE IS OFFERED, EVER.

Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: CannonFodder on August 10, 2007, 01:39:51 PM
These are actual excuse notes from parents to the school teachers (including original spelling) Collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the {bleep}s.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, what do you think?
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: CannonFodder on August 10, 2007, 01:42:50 PM
TEXAS COMPUTER TERMS

"Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your gun.

"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" - How to get rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wives/girlfriends.

"Bit" - A wager as in "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."

"Digital Control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"Packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.  
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: GadgetMaster on September 15, 2007, 05:40:09 PM
What a complete and utter A55Hole (http://news.yahoo.com/photo/ydownload_ap/20070914/photos_net_ap_wl/1189819985)  :evil:  :pissed:  :madashell:
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: odin on September 15, 2007, 07:10:18 PM
?

I fail to see any low brow humor in that, nor do I see any aholes. Just an ass.
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: GadgetMaster on September 15, 2007, 11:29:36 PM
Quote

odin wrote:
?

I fail to see any low brow humor in that, nor do I see any aholes. Just an ass.


Hmmm...

I wonder if anyone else got it....

Explaining a joke usually ruins it  :shrug:
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: Vincent on September 16, 2007, 12:55:04 AM
Quote

GadgetMaster wrote:
I wonder if anyone else got it....


Ass-in-a-hole = asshole?

If that's it then it's not funny.  I'm completely pissed and got it.

--edit-- and was able to type ut correctly :-D
Title: Re: Groaners Corner 4.0
Post by: odin on September 16, 2007, 01:00:29 AM
D'Oh. Well, it made me grin after all.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: GadgetMaster on August 13, 2008, 12:42:46 AM
love is a fallacy
------------------


Read it till the end. Its worth it.

Cool was I and logical. Keen, calculating, perspicacious, acute and astute—I was all of these. My brain was as powerful as a dynamo, precise as a chemist’s scales, as penetrating as a scalpel. And—think of it!—I only eighteen.

It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect. Take, for example, Petey Bellows, my roommate at the university. Same age, same background, but dumb as an ox. A nice enough fellow, you understand, but nothing upstairs. Emotional type. Unstable. Impressionable. Worst of all, a faddist. Fads, I submit, are the very negation of reason. To be swept up in every new craze that comes along, to surrender oneself to idiocy just because everybody else is doing it—this, to me, is the acme of mindlessness. Not, however, to Petey.

One afternoon I found Petey lying on his bed with an expression of such distress on his face that I immediately diagnosed appendicitis. “Don’t move,” I said, “Don’t take a laxative. I’ll get a doctor.”

“Raccoon,” he mumbled thickly.

“Raccoon?” I said, pausing in my flight.

“I want a raccoon coat,” he wailed.

I perceived that his trouble was not physical, but mental. “Why do you want a raccoon coat?”

“I should have known it,” he cried, pounding his temples. “I should have known they’d come back when the Charleston came back. Like a fool I spent all my money for textbooks, and now I can’t get a raccoon coat.”

“Can you mean,” I said incredulously, “that people are actually wearing raccoon coats again?”

“All the Big Men on Campus are wearing them. Where’ve you been?”

“In the library,” I said, naming a place not frequented by Big Men on Campus.

He leaped from the bed and paced the room. “I’ve got to have a raccoon coat,” he said passionately. “I’ve got to!”

“Petey, why? Look at it rationally. Raccoon coats are unsanitary. They shed. They smell bad. They weigh too much. They’re unsightly. They—”

“You don’t understand,” he interrupted impatiently. “It’s the thing to do. Don’t you want to be in the swim?”

“No,” I said truthfully.

“Well, I do,” he declared. “I’d give anything for a raccoon coat. Anything!”

My brain, that precision instrument, slipped into high gear. “Anything?” I asked, looking at him narrowly.

“Anything,” he affirmed in ringing tones.

I stroked my chin thoughtfully. It so happened that I knew where to get my hands on a raccoon coat. My father had had one in his undergraduate days; it lay now in a trunk in the attic back home. It also happened that Petey had something I wanted. He didn’t have it exactly, but at least he had first rights on it. I refer to his girl, Polly Espy.

I had long coveted Polly Espy. Let me emphasize that my desire for this young woman was not emotional in nature. She was, to be sure, a girl who excited the emotions, but I was not one to let my heart rule my head. I wanted Polly for a shrewdly calculated, entirely cerebral reason.

I was a freshman in law school. In a few years I would be out in practice. I was well aware of the importance of the right kind of wife in furthering a lawyer’s career. The successful lawyers I had observed were, almost without exception, married to beautiful, gracious, intelligent women. With one omission, Polly fitted these specifications perfectly.

Beautiful she was. She was not yet of pin-up proportions, but I felt that time would supply the lack. She already had the makings.

Gracious she was. By gracious I mean full of graces. She had an erectness of carriage, an ease of bearing, a poise that clearly indicated the best of breeding. At table her manners were exquisite. I had seen her at the Kozy Kampus Korner eating the specialty of the house—a sandwich that contained scraps of pot roast, gravy, chopped nuts, and a dipper of sauerkraut—without even getting her fingers moist.

Intelligent she was not. In fact, she veered in the opposite direction. But I believed that under my guidance she would smarten up. At any rate, it was worth a try. It is, after all, easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

“Petey,” I said, “are you in love with Polly Espy?”

“I think she’s a keen kid,” he replied, “but I don’t know if you’d call it love. Why?”

“Do you,” I asked, “have any kind of formal arrangement with her? I mean are you going steady or anything like that?”

“No. We see each other quite a bit, but we both have other dates. Why?”

“Is there,” I asked, “any other man for whom she has a particular fondness?”

“Not that I know of. Why?”

I nodded with satisfaction. “In other words, if you were out of the picture, the field would be open. Is that right?”

“I guess so. What are you getting at?”

“Nothing , nothing,” I said innocently, and took my suitcase out the closet.

“Where are you going?” asked Petey.

“Home for weekend.” I threw a few things into the bag.

“Listen,” he said, clutching my arm eagerly, “while you’re home, you couldn’t get some money from your old man, could you, and lend it to me so I can buy a raccoon coat?”

“I may do better than that,” I said with a mysterious wink and closed my bag and left.

“Look,” I said to Petey when I got back Monday morning. I threw open the suitcase and revealed the huge, hairy, gamy object that my father had worn in his Stutz Bearcat in 1925.

“Holy Toledo!” said Petey reverently. He plunged his hands into the raccoon coat and then his face. “Holy Toledo!” he repeated fifteen or twenty times.

“Would you like it?” I asked.

“Oh yes!” he cried, clutching the greasy pelt to him. Then a canny look came into his eyes. “What do you want for it?”

“Your girl.” I said, mincing no words.

“Polly?” he said in a horrified whisper. “You want Polly?”

“That’s right.”

He flung the coat from him. “Never,” he said stoutly.

I shrugged. “Okay. If you don’t want to be in the swim, I guess it’s your business.”

I sat down in a chair and pretended to read a book, but out of the corner of my eye I kept watching Petey. He was a torn man. First he looked at the coat with the expression of a waif at a bakery window. Then he turned away and set his jaw resolutely. Then he looked back at the coat, with even more longing in his face. Then he turned away, but with not so much resolution this time. Back and forth his head swiveled, desire waxing, resolution waning. Finally he didn’t turn away at all; he just stood and stared with mad lust at the coat.

“It isn’t as though I was in love with Polly,” he said thickly. “Or going steady or anything like that.”

“That’s right,” I murmured.

“What’s Polly to me, or me to Polly?”

“Not a thing,” said I.

“It’s just been a casual kick—just a few laughs, that’s all.”

“Try on the coat,” said I.

He complied. The coat bunched high over his ears and dropped all the way down to his shoe tops. He looked like a mound of dead raccoons. “Fits fine,” he said happily.

I rose from my chair. “Is it a deal?” I asked, extending my hand.

He swallowed. “It’s a deal,” he said and shook my hand.

I had my first date with Polly the following evening. This was in the nature of a survey; I wanted to find out just how much work I had to do to get her mind up to the standard I required. I took her first to dinner. “Gee, that was a delish dinner,” she said as we left the restaurant. Then I took her to a movie. “Gee, that was a marvy movie,” she said as we left the theatre. And then I took her home. “Gee, I had a sensaysh time,” she said as she bade me good night.

I went back to my room with a heavy heart. I had gravely underestimated the size of my task. This girl’s lack of information was terrifying. Nor would it be enough merely to supply her with information. First she had to be taught to think. This loomed as a project of no small dimensions, and at first I was tempted to give her back to Petey. But then I got to thinking about her abundant physical charms and about the way she entered a room and the way she handled a knife and fork, and I decided to make an effort.

I went about it, as in all things, systematically. I gave her a course in logic. It happened that I, as a law student, was taking a course in logic myself, so I had all the facts at my fingertips. “Poll’,” I said to her when I picked her up on our next date, “tonight we are going over to the Knoll and talk.”

“Oo, terrif,” she replied. One thing I will say for this girl: you would go far to find another so agreeable.

We went to the Knoll, the campus trysting place, and we sat down under an old oak, and she looked at me expectantly. “What are we going to talk about?” she asked.

“Logic.”

She thought this over for a minute and decided she liked it. “Magnif,” she said.

“Logic,” I said, clearing my throat, “is the science of thinking. Before we can think correctly, we must first learn to recognize the common fallacies of logic. These we will take up tonight.”

“Wow-dow!” she cried, clapping her hands delightedly.

I winced, but went bravely on. “First let us examine the fallacy called Dicto Simpliciter.”

“By all means,” she urged, batting her lashes eagerly.

“Dicto Simpliciter means an argument based on an unqualified generalization. For example: Exercise is good. Therefore everybody should exercise.”

“I agree,” said Polly earnestly. “I mean exercise is wonderful. I mean it builds the body and everything.”

“Polly,” I said gently, “the argument is a fallacy. Exercise is good is an unqualified generalization. For instance, if you have heart disease, exercise is bad, not good. Many people are ordered by their doctors not to exercise. You must qualify the generalization. You must say exercise is usually good, or exercise is good for most people. Otherwise you have committed a Dicto Simpliciter. Do you see?”

“No,” she confessed. “But this is marvy. Do more! Do more!”

“It will be better if you stop tugging at my sleeve,” I told her, and when she desisted, I continued. “Next we take up a fallacy called Hasty Generalization. Listen carefully: You can’t speak French. Petey Bellows can’t speak French. I must therefore conclude that nobody at the University of Minnesota can speak French.”

“Really?” said Polly, amazed. “Nobody?”

I hid my exasperation. “Polly, it’s a fallacy. The generalization is reached too hastily. There are too few instances to support such a conclusion.”

“Know any more fallacies?” she asked breathlessly. “This is more fun than dancing even.”

I fought off a wave of despair. I was getting nowhere with this girl, absolutely nowhere. Still, I am nothing if not persistent. I continued. “Next comes Post Hoc. Listen to this: Let’s not take Bill on our picnic. Every time we take him out with us, it rains.”

“I know somebody just like that,” she exclaimed. “A girl back home—Eula Becker, her name is. It never fails. Every single time we take her on a picnic—”

“Polly,” I said sharply, “it’s a fallacy. Eula Becker doesn’t cause the rain. She has no connection with the rain. You are guilty of Post Hoc if you blame Eula Becker.”

“I’ll never do it again,” she promised contritely. “Are you mad at me?”

I sighed. “No, Polly, I’m not mad.”

“Then tell me some more fallacies.”

“All right. Let’s try Contradictory Premises.”

“Yes, let’s,” she chirped, blinking her eyes happily.

I frowned, but plunged ahead. “Here’s an example of Contradictory Premises: If God can do anything, can He make a stone so heavy that He won’t be able to lift it?”

“Of course,” she replied promptly.

“But if He can do anything, He can lift the stone,” I pointed out.

“Yeah,” she said thoughtfully. “Well, then I guess He can’t make the stone.”

“But He can do anything,” I reminded her.

She scratched her pretty, empty head. “I’m all confused,” she admitted.

“Of course you are. Because when the premises of an argument contradict each other, there can be no argument. If there is an irresistible force, there can be no immovable object. If there is an immovable object, there can be no irresistible force. Get it?”

“Tell me more of this keen stuff,” she said eagerly.

I consulted my watch. “I think we’d better call it a night. I’ll take you home now, and you go over all the things you’ve learned. We’ll have another session tomorrow night.”

I deposited her at the girls’ dormitory, where she assured me that she had had a perfectly terrif evening, and I went glumly home to my room. Petey lay snoring in his bed, the raccoon coat huddled like a great hairy beast at his feet. For a moment I considered waking him and telling him that he could have his girl back. It seemed clear that my project was doomed to failure. The girl simply had a logic-proof head.

But then I reconsidered. I had wasted one evening; I might as well waste another. Who knew? Maybe somewhere in the extinct crater of her mind a few members still smoldered. Maybe somehow I could fan them into flame. Admittedly it was not a prospect fraught with hope, but I decided to give it one more try.

Seated under the oak the next evening I said, “Our first fallacy tonight is called Ad Misericordiam.”

She quivered with delight.

“Listen closely,” I said. “A man applies for a job. When the boss asks him what his qualifications are, he replies that he has a wife and six children at home, the wife is a helpless cripple, the children have nothing to eat, no clothes to wear, no shoes on their feet, there are no beds in the house, no coal in the cellar, and winter is coming.”

A tear rolled down each of Polly’s pink cheeks. “Oh, this is awful, awful,” she sobbed.

“Yes, it’s awful,” I agreed, “but it’s no argument. The man never answered the boss’s question about his qualifications. Instead he appealed to the boss’s sympathy. He committed the fallacy of Ad Misericordiam. Do you understand?”

“Have you got a handkerchief?” she blubbered.

I handed her a handkerchief and tried to keep from screaming while she wiped her eyes. “Next,” I said in a carefully controlled tone, “we will discuss False Analogy. Here is an example: Students should be allowed to look at their textbooks during examinations. After all, surgeons have X-rays to guide them during an operation, lawyers have briefs to guide them during a trial, carpenters have blueprints to guide them when they are building a house. Why, then, shouldn’t students be allowed to look at their textbooks during an examination?”

“There now,” she said enthusiastically, “is the most marvy idea I’ve heard in years.”

“Polly,” I said testily, “the argument is all wrong. Doctors, lawyers, and carpenters aren’t taking a test to see how much they have learned, but students are. The situations are altogether different, and you can’t make an analogy between them.”

“I still think it’s a good idea,” said Polly.

“Nuts,” I muttered. Doggedly I pressed on. “Next we’ll try Hypothesis Contrary to Fact.”

“Sounds yummy,” was Polly’s reaction.

“Listen: If Madame Curie had not happened to leave a photographic plate in a drawer with a chunk of pitchblende, the world today would not know about radium.”

“True, true,” said Polly, nodding her head “Did you see the movie? Oh, it just knocked me out. That Walter Pidgeon is so dreamy. I mean he fractures me.”

“If you can forget Mr. Pidgeon for a moment,” I said coldly, “I would like to point out that statement is a fallacy. Maybe Madame Curie would have discovered radium at some later date. Maybe somebody else would have discovered it. Maybe any number of things would have happened. You can’t start with a hypothesis that is not true and then draw any supportable conclusions from it.”

“They ought to put Walter Pidgeon in more pictures,” said Polly, “I hardly ever see him any more.”

One more chance, I decided. But just one more. There is a limit to what flesh and blood can bear. “The next fallacy is called Poisoning the Well.”

“How cute!” she gurgled.

“Two men are having a debate. The first one gets up and says, ‘My opponent is a notorious liar. You can’t believe a word that he is going to say.’ ... Now, Polly, think. Think hard. What’s wrong?”

I watched her closely as she knit her creamy brow in concentration. Suddenly a glimmer of intelligence—the first I had seen—came into her eyes. “It’s not fair,” she said with indignation. “It’s not a bit fair. What chance has the second man got if the first man calls him a liar before he even begins talking?”

“Right!” I cried exultantly. “One hundred per cent right. It’s not fair. The first man has poisoned the well before anybody could drink from it. He has hamstrung his opponent before he could even start ... Polly, I’m proud of you.”

“Pshaws,” she murmured, blushing with pleasure.

“You see, my dear, these things aren’t so hard. All you have to do is concentrate. Think—examine—evaluate. Come now, let’s review everything we have learned.”

“Fire away,” she said with an airy wave of her hand.

Heartened by the knowledge that Polly was not altogether a cretin, I began a long, patient review of all I had told her. Over and over and over again I cited instances, pointed out flaws, kept hammering away without letup. It was like digging a tunnel. At first, everything was work, sweat, and darkness. I had no idea when I would reach the light, or even if I would. But I persisted. I pounded and clawed and scraped, and finally I was rewarded. I saw a chink of light. And then the chink got bigger and the sun came pouring in and all was bright.

Five grueling nights with this took, but it was worth it. I had made a logician out of Polly; I had taught her to think. My job was done. She was worthy of me, at last. She was a fit wife for me, a proper hostess for my many mansions, a suitable mother for my well-heeled children.

It must not be thought that I was without love for this girl. Quite the contrary. Just as Pygmalion loved the perfect woman he had fashioned, so I loved mine. I decided to acquaint her with my feelings at our very next meeting. The time had come to change our relationship from academic to romantic.

“Polly,” I said when next we sat beneath our oak, “tonight we will not discuss fallacies.”

“Aw, gee,” she said, disappointed.

“My dear,” I said, favoring her with a smile, “we have now spent five evenings together. We have gotten along splendidly. It is clear that we are well matched.”

“Hasty Generalization,” said Polly brightly.

“I beg your pardon,” said I.

“Hasty Generalization,” she repeated. “How can you say that we are well matched on the basis of only five dates?”

I chuckled with amusement. The dear child had learned her lessons well. “My dear,” I said, patting her hand in a tolerant manner, “five dates is plenty. After all, you don’t have to eat a whole cake to know that it’s good.”

“False Analogy,” said Polly promptly. “I’m not a cake. I’m a girl.”

I chuckled with somewhat less amusement. The dear child had learned her lessons perhaps too well. I decided to change tactics. Obviously the best approach was a simple, strong, direct declaration of love. I paused for a moment while my massive brain chose the proper word. Then I began:

“Polly, I love you. You are the whole world to me, the moon and the stars and the constellations of outer space. Please, my darling, say that you will go steady with me, for if you will not, life will be meaningless. I will languish. I will refuse my meals. I will wander the face of the earth, a shambling, hollow-eyed hulk.”

There, I thought, folding my arms, that ought to do it.

“Ad Misericordiam,” said Polly.

I ground my teeth. I was not Pygmalion; I was Frankenstein, and my monster had me by the throat. Frantically I fought back the tide of panic surging through me; at all costs I had to keep cool.

“Well, Polly,” I said, forcing a smile, “you certainly have learned your fallacies.”

“You’re darn right,” she said with a vigorous nod.

“And who taught them to you, Polly?”

“You did.”

“That’s right. So you do owe me something, don’t you, my dear? If I hadn’t come along you never would have learned about fallacies.”

“Hypothesis Contrary to Fact,” she said instantly.

I dashed perspiration from my brow. “Polly,” I croaked, “you mustn’t take all these things so literally. I mean this is just classroom stuff. You know that the things you learn in school don’t have anything to do with life.”

“Dicto Simpliciter,” she said, wagging her finger at me playfully.

That did it. I leaped to my feet, bellowing like a bull. “Will you or will you not go steady with me?”

“I will not,” she replied.

“Why not?” I demanded.

“Because this afternoon I promised Petey Bellows that I would go steady with him.”

I reeled back, overcome with the infamy of it. After he promised, after he made a deal, after he shook my hand! “The rat!” I shrieked, kicking up great chunks of turf. “You can’t go with him, Polly. He’s a liar. He’s a cheat. He’s a rat.”

“Poisoning the Well ,” said Polly, “and stop shouting. I think shouting must be a fallacy too.”

With an immense effort of will, I modulated my voice. “All right,” I said. “You’re a logician. Let’s look at this thing logically. How could you choose Petey Bellows over me? Look at me—a brilliant student, a tremendous intellectual, a man with an assured future. Look at Petey—a knothead, a jitterbug, a guy who’ll never know where his next meal is coming from. Can you give me one logical reason why you should go steady with Petey Bellows?”

“I certainly can,” declared Polly. “He’s got a raccoon coat.”
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on August 13, 2008, 12:48:35 AM
Damnit man, I'm not reading all that!  :-x

I'll read it tomorrow.... ;-)

Just saw this one recently:

An old nun was lecturing the drinker on the evils of drink as he tried to enter the pub.
"Listen Sister," he said. "Don't knock it if you've never tried it! If you'd tried even one drink you'd know what you are talking about."
She agreed that he had a point.
"OK, I'll try just a small drink then," she said, "I don't want to be seen drinking from a hotel glass so can you get me some in this water flask?"
He went up to the bar and asked for a gin in the flask.
The barman laughed, "Don't tell me that damn nun's still out there!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on August 13, 2008, 12:45:46 PM
@Gadget

:lol:

That's actually pretty good :-D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on August 13, 2008, 04:24:10 PM
Tragic news just in:

Ireland's worst air disaster in almost a decade occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on August 13, 2008, 06:55:15 PM
A man goes to his GP for a check up.

Doctor: "I'm going to need a urine sample, a semen sample, a blood sample and a stool sample".

Patient: "I'm in a hurry. can I just leave my underpants?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 09, 2009, 02:52:40 PM
Oh yes indeedy, Groaner's is back, bigger and better than ever.

Now that we're using VBulletin, which handles immensely long threads with ease, this thread is now unlocked for your amusement. What's more, Groaner's Corner Reloaded and Groaner's Corner Revisited and Groaner's Corner 4.0 have been merged into the original behemoth.

Enjoy :D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 09, 2009, 07:15:48 PM
In true groaner tradition:

A man goes into a pub with his Labrador, makes his way to the bar and asks for a drink. Seeing the dog, the landlord objects, "I'm sorry sir, you can't bring that dog in here. You'll have to leave him outside or leave immediately."

The man, without hesitation, says, "Please, I'm blind. This is my guide dog"

"Sorry mate", the landlord apologises ashamedly, "Here, the first one's on the house. Enjoy.".

The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another man walks in with a Chihuahua. The first man sees him and warns, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog."

The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The landlord says "Sorry sir, you can't bring that dog in here."

On cue, the second man responds, "This is my guide dog."

Shaking his head, the landlord replies "Erm, no, I don't think so. Since when did they start using Chiwauas as guide dogs?!"

The man pulls an incredulous face and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: the_leander on June 09, 2009, 10:34:30 PM
Was in Asda today with two full trollies of booze and shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk, so I said:

"Is that all you got love?"
She replied gently "Yes"

So I did the decent thing and said "if I were you I'd F-off to another till - I'm gonna take ages!"

I thankyou!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: GadgetMaster on June 09, 2009, 10:49:29 PM
Quote from: the_leander;510264
Was in Asda today with two full trollies of booze and shopping when a little old lady got behind me in the queue. She only had a pint of milk, so I said:

"Is that all you got love?"
She replied gently "Yes"

So I did the decent thing and said "if I were you I'd F-off to another till - I'm gonna take ages!"

I thankyou!

:roflmao:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: GadgetMaster on June 09, 2009, 10:52:10 PM
Quote from: Karlos;510179
Oh yes indeedy, Groaner's is back, bigger and better than ever.

Now that we're using VBulletin, which handles immensely long threads with ease, this thread is now unlocked for your amusement. What's more, Groaner's Corner Reloaded and Groaner's Corner Revisited and Groaner's Corner 4.0 have been merged into the original behemoth.

Enjoy :D

Woot! It just keeps getting better.

I wonder where you done all that testing on long threads. ;) Actually I'd better not ask. It'd probably just be much ado about nothing.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: adz on June 09, 2009, 11:01:16 PM
Nice work Karlos :)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on June 09, 2009, 11:03:22 PM
I figured the biggest thankyou I could give was to add to it, but yes, thankyou :-)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: adz on June 09, 2009, 11:22:31 PM
How do you get Picachu onto a bus?

Highligh below for answer...

Pokemon!


Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on June 10, 2009, 12:11:25 AM
My pleasure. I never really forgave Red for locking it in the first place.. :p Seriously though, he was quite right as xoops never really liked big threads that much. Not much of a problem now though, I've seen 1000+ page threads on other VB sites.

It's all good fun :)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Speelgoedmannetje on June 10, 2009, 12:52:43 AM
Quote from: Karlos;412913
Tragic news just in:

Ireland's worst air disaster in almost a decade occurred early this morning when a small two seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues.

Oh gosh, I know that one, but then with Belgians (kinda the Irish here in NL).

Belgian inventions:
An indoor airstrip
A jump seat for a helicopter
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner Reloaded
Post by: Karlos on June 10, 2009, 01:28:24 PM
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Andy on June 17, 2009, 11:49:48 PM
Getin groaners is back. Nice one Karlos.

A women goes into M&S for a maternity bra. The assistant asks, "What bust?"
The lady replied, "The condom."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Andy on June 17, 2009, 11:58:56 PM
A lady with very small boobs goes into M&S and asks for a bra size 32AAAA. The assistant tells her that they don't do anything that small. She then goes into La Senza and asks the same question. They don't do anything that size either. After several stores with the same answer she storms into Debenham's marches up to the lingerie section, pull up her top and yells, "Do you have anything for these?" The assistant asks, "Have you tried clearasil?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on June 21, 2009, 04:45:33 PM
Lol!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on October 31, 2009, 07:56:23 PM
I once had a bad experience at a pantomime.

Fortunately, now it's behind me.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on October 31, 2009, 08:00:25 PM
Ok, this one made me laugh. I know it shouldn't have, but what can you do?

Patient, "Doctor, you have to help me. My wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages""
Psychiatrist, "Nonsense! I like sausages too."
Patient,"Great! You should come and see my collection, I've got hundreds of them!"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Tension on November 01, 2009, 01:31:40 AM
Back in 2003 when this thread started, all i did was drink, take drugs, fuck, and fight.

Good times.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on November 02, 2009, 07:51:11 PM
And now?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Zac67 on November 02, 2009, 09:03:10 PM
Quote from: Karlos;528205
And now?


Now he's broke.

*SCNR*
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: gizz72 on November 04, 2009, 02:17:18 AM
Post 801st for this thread. -- :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on April 19, 2010, 09:42:19 PM
A couple of things I spotted on sikipedia:

Quote
Hats off to the Icelandic people.

First they declared themselves bankrupt...

Then they set their island on fire....

Anyone else smell the mother of all insurance frauds?


Quote
What's the difference between the Iceland volcano and Cheryl Cole?

The volcano is still blowing ash.


And finally, my favourite:

Quote
Life is starting to return to normal for the people in Norfolk for the first time in nearly a century now that regular sightings of "the big scary metal dragons in the sky" have suddenly stopped.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: whabang on April 20, 2010, 07:57:07 PM
Quote

Dear Iceland,

We said send cash.

Yours sincerely,

United Kingdom

^^
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on April 21, 2010, 09:31:29 AM
One ticket to Hull please...

Quote
The last time Poland saw that much ash in the sky they were related to it.


--edit--

Yeah, I figure I'll get roasted for this one...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on April 21, 2010, 01:31:17 PM
In related news, Bjork is said to be furious at the fact she's no longer the biggest thing from Iceland to spout crap all over the UK and cause so much suffering to so many innocent people...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: whabang on April 21, 2010, 04:12:23 PM
Quote from: the_leander;554690

Yeah, I figure I'll get roasted for this one...


The worst part is that I can't stop laughing. :D
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on April 22, 2010, 05:51:53 AM
Quote from: whabang;554745
The worst part is that I can't stop laughing. :D


Well at least I know I'll have company in Hull :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on June 14, 2010, 10:10:50 AM
Shamelessly copypasta'd from another forum:

Quote
Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So, since I'm bored and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a**e and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from the Co-op.

Better watch what you ask us bored people. We have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on June 14, 2010, 08:04:38 PM
:lol:

That's a good one. I can actually imagine that...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on June 14, 2010, 08:23:51 PM
I'm afraid I've rather submitted to the dubious humour over at the cheezburger network, particularly the comixed site:

(http://cheezcomixed.files.wordpress.com/2010/05/129180014065557750.jpg)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: TheBilgeRat on June 15, 2010, 12:23:46 AM
Oh, wow.  What a groaner! :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on June 15, 2010, 01:01:14 AM
Quote from: TheBilgeRat;564610
Oh, wow.  What a groaner! :lol:

If you're really into self-harm, try reading the whole thread :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 10, 2010, 02:31:00 AM
Quote from: Karlos;564586
I'm afraid I've rather submitted to the dubious humour over at the cheezburger network, particularly the comixed site


More a sikipedia fan myself:

Quote
Sky News: eight-year-old girl found dead at a North Wales holiday camp.

North Wales for a holiday? My money's on suicide.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 12, 2010, 07:21:23 PM
On typos:

What's the difference between radial Islam and crossply Islam? Is one better in the wet or is that just a tyred old joke?
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 26, 2010, 08:25:22 PM
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.?

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 26, 2010, 11:17:01 PM
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you £500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 27, 2010, 02:11:26 AM
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY: £150,,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on October 27, 2010, 02:21:29 AM
I thought it was outlawed ages ago.... outrageous! (http://i57.photobucket.com/albums/g210/bartrouble/bLACKS.jpg)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 27, 2010, 02:26:07 AM
A Polish immigrant went to the DVLA to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed

him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.



"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 27, 2010, 02:33:48 AM
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all
the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman all the time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the
pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and
you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.

Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"


Cabbie: "I married his ******* widow."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on October 27, 2010, 03:37:43 PM
Q. What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What's the first question during a chav quiz night?
A What you looking at.

Q. Why are chavs like slinkey's?
A. They're both useless but it's fun to watch them fall down stairs.

Q. Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river?
A. A start.

Q. Where do you take a chav girl for a decent night out?
A. Up the arse.

Q. What's the difference between a chav and a coconut?
A. one's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

Q. Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a chav girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old chav girl?
A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a chav in a box?
A. Innit.

Q. What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?
A. Sorted.

Q. What do you call a chav in a suit?
A. The defendant.

Q. Why did the chav cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova a shame?
A. Because a Nova has 4 seats.

Q. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's?
A. A liar.

Q. What do you say to a chav with a job?
A. Bigmac please.

Q. What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl?
A. A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Tension on October 28, 2010, 03:58:45 AM
Quote from: the_leander;587378
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all
the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman all the time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the
pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and
you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more....He had a memory like a computer.
Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.

Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake."

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good.

He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -
he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"


Cabbie: "I married his ******* widow."


Hahaha fucking excellent mate!
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: gertsy on October 28, 2010, 01:11:57 PM
I like them sharp sweet and groanable...


How much does a Pirate pay to get his ears pierced...?


About a buccaneer.....   (o:

(Works best for aussies and yanks)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: gertsy on October 28, 2010, 01:18:42 PM
A Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash.
His troublesome wife is lying on the bed reading a mag and eating chocolates.
"This is the cow I've been ***ing when your not around" He says...
The wife looks up, "You're so stupid" she says, "That's not a cow you idiot"
"I was talking to the sheep." The man replies...
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Andy on November 07, 2010, 03:07:37 AM
Archie and Jock are discussing Jocks wedding.
"Ach its all going well i've got everything organised, i've even bought a kilt to be married in."
Archie says, "Thats good, whats the tarten?"
Jock says, " I imagine she will be in white."
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: nicholas on November 07, 2010, 01:24:26 PM
Quote from: Tension;528020
Back in 2003 when this thread started, all i did was drink, take drugs, fuck, and fight.

Good times.


Sounds eerily familar to moi! :lol:
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Templario on November 07, 2010, 04:25:22 PM
Eminem is a provocative simple, with not buying their albums and go to their concerts, it would be so famous.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on November 10, 2010, 10:38:05 PM
This one straight from IM:

Quote

(22:33:37) Adz: why do men die when they retire?
(22:33:52) karlos: because they spend all day at home getting browbeat?
(22:34:00) Adz: no, because they want to!
(22:34:01) Adz: LOL
(22:34:04) karlos: ROFL
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Tension on November 21, 2010, 06:47:50 PM
P.S. Your **** is in the sink.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Tension on November 21, 2010, 07:03:58 PM
Quote from: Tension;593431
P.S. Your **** is in the sink.


http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=228281119427
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Andy on January 29, 2011, 10:37:16 PM
Renault and Ford are building a car between them designed to beat the credit crunch.  Based on the Clio and the Taurus the all new "Clitaurus" will be available in pink and will comes with an optional fluffy dash.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: Karlos on January 29, 2011, 10:38:39 PM
Quote from: Andy;610701
Renault and Ford are building a car between them designed to beat the credit crunch.  Based on the Clio and the Taurus the all new "Clitaurus" will be available in pink and will comes with an optional fluffy dash.


:roflmao:

Long time no see (at least here, that is). Welcome back, mate :)
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: the_leander on February 18, 2011, 02:36:19 PM
Heard this one at work yesterday:

So the British government are to reduce army by 7,000 soldiers.....
Probably by equipping them with insufficient equipment and sending them to Afghanistan.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: nicholas on February 18, 2011, 03:59:41 PM
Went to my local Sainsbury's and saw a sign "Try something new today", so I turned around and went to ASDA.
Title: Re: Groaner's Corner [was:EMINEM]
Post by: nicholas on September 26, 2011, 11:51:16 PM
Three Wall Street millionaires are all on a plane leaving the U.S.

One says, "I'm going to throw a check for $100,000 out the window and make one family happy." And he throws the check out the window.

The second says, "I'm going to throw two checks for $75,000 out the window and make two families happy." And he throws the two checks out the window.

The third millionaire says, "I'm going to throw three checks for $60,000 out the window and make three families happy." And he throws the three checks out the window.

Then the pilot turns around and says, "Why don't all three of you jump out the window and make all of the U.S. happy?"