:-)

[bloodline]

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

[Turambar]

Sounds like someone needs to take a course in Technical Authorship....

[Karlos]

I just misread that as a flouride of oxygen and was waiting for the bit about finding the charred scattered remains...

(anybody with any experience of the compound affectionately known as FOOF - dioxygen diflouride - will know what I mean)

[Doobrey]

Turambar wrote:
Sounds like someone needs to take a course in Technical Authorship....

You mean you don't recognise Jack and Jill when it's rewritten by a copper ?

[blobrana]

Hum,
We don`t hear a lot about “Vinegar and brown paper” these days...

[Wilse]

@bloodline:

Cute.

[Doobrey]

blobrana wrote:
Hum,
We don`t hear a lot about “Vinegar and brown paper” these days...

I guess swallowing a couple of Nurofen is better than smelling like a chip shop. Anyway, I have a hard enough time fumbling about trying to find the damn tablets, I'd probably be up for manslaughter by the time I managed to find any brown paper.

Anyway, in a similar vein to Bloodlines post, something I got in my inbox the other day, pretty much sums up all the political correctness and nannying bullsh*t that's taken over the UK...

Twas the eve of the battle of Trafalgar.

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye aye, sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' What gobbledygook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it....full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life."

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. What ever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case ...kiss me, Hardy".

[Karlos]

@Doobrey

Oh man, my sides are hurting. That was sheer class :lol:

[bloodline]

:lol:


I had to take a test set by my employer yesterday... I scored 100% and recieved a certificate! I am now officially not a racist! :-D

I must confess that I guessed the answer to one of the questions though :-(